PRIDE AFTERGLOW: Is it just me, or does the sky look green?

Last weekend, under the radar, a friend of mine and his long term boyfriend were kicked out of a cab because they kissed each other in the back seat.

Kicked out of a cab in downtown Minneapolis… during Pride… for kissing.

Life is rough. But it could have been worse. It could have been subzero weather.

This is the world we live in. A world obsessed with procreation and ways to keep it kosher. From my experience, kissing a boy in the back seat of a cab is very kosher. But I’m a girl.

One more thing to get riled up about, if I let it. We pick our battles. The two young men decided to not fight that battle. They got out of the cab and walked away.

What about the couple that was arrested for passing out bibles during the Minneapolis Pride festivities? Sounds like a violation of freedom of speech, but it is more complicated than that. They were denied a permit from previous years which they had used to pass out Bibles and inform Pride celebrants that homosexuality was a sin.... and that Jesus loves them.

I predict a potential mess of legal battles regarding the arrest, freedom of speech versus discrimination versus permits versus trespassing. Sounds a lot like how Christianity can’t come to a consensus of whether or not homosexuality is a sin.

The Christians who say the other Christians have it all wrong, in my opinion, are just sitting in judgment of their fellow Christians, which isn’t exactly kosher either. Way too much finger pointing going on. But they made this bed. Let them roll around in it.

During Pride Week, the Church closest to it all flew rainbow banners including a huge flag unfurled from a very expensive steeple. The Church south of it fights amongst themselves whether or not to allow gay clergy. The Church north of it is part of the catholic church, which is a hot _____ mess when it comes to this topic.

Last weekend while riding by one of many city corners, I saw a man physically and verbally abuse his female companion who was carrying a baby. Broad daylight. Now would be a good time to explain why a loving gay couple is not capable of raising children in a healthy, hell - even Christian, environment.

Yes, I live in a city. These kinds of things happen under the radar all the time. What’s the big whoop, right?

One of our gods died over the weekend. Remember how the more androgynous he became, the more we demonized him?

Are we animals still hardwired with machismo to think that anything that stands in the way of procreation should be considered a threat? Female independence. Women who lead men (thereby emasculating them). Men and women who use contraception. Men and women who have sex with the same gender, once again circumventing procreation.

And in the meantime the two most popular searches that lead people to my blog are… “percentage spit or swallow” and “Pastor Melissa Scott is sexy/hot.” One could say I do my small part in keeping things kosher.

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Links to Very Cool! slogans regarding religion and homosexuality.

TopPun Rainbow Store: Religion - Spirituality

CafePress Gay Pride Day 2 Day store where you can buy many versions of the Love the Heterosexual, Hate the Sin slogan or Rainbow Jesus.

City Pages Blotter article: Bible-distributing family arrested at Pride Festival ... within the article's comments, a friend of the Johnsons claims that at no point did the family tell Pride attendees that homosexuality was a sin... which might be true. I can imagine any number of conversations that led Pride celebrants to think otherwise. This could get messy.

I'M COMING OUT, ONE DAY AT A TIME

**As I watch the tents go up, and the flags unfurl, I’m slightly envious of the GLBT men and women in my life who have a whole weekend dedicated to their Pride. Though I know there are many LGBT folks who have no time for and no respect for any religion, there are plenty that are batting for one Theist/Deist team or the other.

Coming out Atheist, pride fits, and it doesn’t. I’m coming out but with a great deal of humility.

I was born atheist. Without a god. We all are. I also was born again. And again. I was given the choice to believe, or not to believe. And I chose to believe as deeply as one can. My Christian walk confronted a few doubts that I easily overcame making my faith even stronger. I eventually trended left, until I trended right out of the ballpark.

I don’t play the Theist/Deist game anymore. Neither do I want to play the game of New Age Higher Power Bullshit. And in all honesty, I don’t want to play the game of Atheist Asshole.

My grandfather on my dad’s side was an atheist. Though not perfect, he was one of the kindest men I’ve ever known. Atheism didn’t make him kind – it was his personality. When his son, my father, left the traveling musician life for a settled down musician’s life, he broke my grandpa’s heart. At the same time, dad also denied his father’s atheism and his mother’s middleclass Methodist life for full-blown born-again Christian. Though dad fought the conversion/spirit, ultimately the burgeoning evangelical movement gathered him under their wing. It was a double whammy for grandpa.

As I examine my born-again and atheist roots, I wonder: are we as a nation, world, trending toward sustainable non-belief, or are we setting ourselves up for a new generation to rebel against our non-belief?

Look at Iran. Once gung-ho about their theocracy, they rebelled against a secular, corrupt monarchy. Now they are in the process of changing their mind about their previous rebellion. It seems like such a vicious circle.

Though I become ever more “proud” of my life without any god, I worry how the pendulum swings and thuds more than a few people over the head on the up-swing and then again on the down-swing. My Buddhist sympathies do not have patience for the atheist upswing. I’d prefer to just sit and watch the pendulum sway.

Recently I came out atheist to some family members who I thought already knew. I’ve broken a few hearts. I will continue to break hearts. My severe empathy streak means it hurts me to see others hurt. An empathetic life requires carefully placed calluses.

Within my "soul" searching, I struggle with the habit of suppressing my desire to join anything. But I am putting the Scarlet A up, for now. I’ve not felt the need, yet, to read any more than two of Sam Harris’ books on atheism. Though I know the atheist elite include some very very wise men and women, I could care less about Dawkins and the other luminaries of The Out Campaign. The branding bothers me. But here I go… adding my name to the Atheist Blogroll… for a trial period… a trial period that expires and renews one day at a time.

“One day at a time, sweet Jesus
That’s all I’m asking from you
Give me the strength to do everything that I have to do
Yesterday’s gone, sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
Help me today
Show me the way
One day at a time.”

So I’m asking you… the Collective Consciousness to do just that, with me, with each other. Vote on my poll>. Comment. Help me help you (wink). Be kind.

Yes, I fear the crowd that is attracted to the Scarlet A. Both sides are capable of making fools out of themselves.I see fear in the eyes of both. Anger in both. Pride in both… and not all Pride is pretty.

When my atheist grandfather died I was 10. I had already asked Jesus into my heart, pre-public declaration and baptism, and I knew I was a child of God and that if I died I would go to heaven. I was devastated to find out that my grandfather who I loved so dearly had no qualms about proclaiming his lack of God/Christ/Holy Spirit. When my parents told me that he would Not be in heaven, it broke my heart.

My born-again father died suddenly and “too young” when I was 14. But his Faith in Christ defined his every waking hour. He KNEW where he was going after death. And when death took him so quickly, I knew he was going to heaven.

I didn’t stay and grow within Christ for 13 more years just to be reunited with loved ones in heaven. I stayed and grew because I believed Christ’s love, teachings, sacrifice and resurrection was all that mattered.

So what do I believe today?

My born-again father and my atheist grandfather are in the same place. They lay side by side on the prairie. It just so happens that one is a little more decayed than the other.

I will continue to love deeply. I will continue to wrestle with my empathy. I will continue to break the hearts of believers who love me. I will continue to love the Jesus who taught me to take
One
Day
At
A
Time.



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**Die Heilige Dreifaltigkeit - Painting/Poster - for those who weren't taught the german version of "silent night," I'll give you a clue... Heilige means Holy. Good luck with the rest.

I HAVE DECIDED TO FOLLOW @JESUS: A Guide to Recognizing The Real Deal on Twitter

In the fundamentalist circles, I was taught that the devil and his demons mislead Christians who have the best of intentions. The devil is deceptive. He’s the wolf in sheep’s clothing. He is the most beautiful of fallen angels. He is capable of leading us all down the wrong path. He props up false prophets who place roadblocks and detours throughout our faith journey.

In an effort to not be led down the wrong path, I am testing the Twitter spirits to decipher which Jesus on Twitter is the Real Deal, or biblically speaking, separating the wheat from the chaff, or culling the herd in less biblical language.

What are my criteria?

@Jesus was Jewish, so there must be some evidence of that.

@Jesus performed miracles, so I’m looking for a Jesus that performs subtle or large scale miracles never performed before. BEWARE! False prophets are quite adept at tapping into the tools of the devil and leading people astray with illusions and slights of hand. Test the Twitter spirit!

@Jesus loves me. He loves you too. How does he demonstrate his love on Twitter? We don’t want Jesus stalking us, after all we know he believes in free will, but we do want Jesus showing unconditional love (whatever that is). We’re looking for a little reciprocation here. Does he return your DMs or respond to your @ prayers? If not, best to cut your losses and move on to the next Jesus.

@Jesus wants to dwell in my heart. Has he knocked on my virtual door yet?

@Jesus has a thick martyr streak. Is he willing to be thrown under the bus for the redemption of humankind? What kind of controversial topics is he engaged in that may set him up for scapegoat status? Current topics on his Twitter account might include homosexuality, pro-life vs pro-choice, the middle east, taxes, separation of church and state, or your mom.

@Jesus was smart. Does Jesus post well worded, grammatically correct updates?

@Finally: Contrary to popular opinion and this blogger’s fantasy, Jesus was NOT that good looking. Does his avatar reflect this?

I test the spirits on Twitter to see what kind of response I get from the many Jesuses claiming to be Jesus. You should do the same.

Take a moment and search your heart:

What characteristics do you look for in the real Jesus? Are you a follower of Jesus who places importance on his ability to forgive all sins outside the sin against the Holy Spirit? Does your own personal Jesus stop you from doing stupid stuff, or does he let you get by with murder, only to forgive you later? Is your own personal Jesus more of a warrior, nerd, or a rebellious threat to the status quo? Does he help with the dishes or prefer that you sit at his feet and listen to his wisdom in a meditative state? Works or Grace?

For those of you already on Twitter, my starter kit of Jesuses for your browsing pleasure are listed below. Some of these Jesuses write blogs that allow for deeper study of his true intentions.

baconjesus
iphoneJesus
OfficialJesus
Jesus_M_Christ
kingofthejews
tweetus_christ
openjesus
JesusHChrist

There are other Jesus figures I follow on twitter, such as Jay Bakker, Gael Garcia Bernal and ThankYouJesus.

Each #Follow Friday I’ll introduce a new Jesus worthy of online worship on my teandoranges Twitter account. It's the one Twitter gimmick in which I participate.

Have I overlooked a gem of a Twitter Jesus? Let me know! After all, I don’t want to fall for the wrong god.

I Have Decided To Follow Jesus
“though none go with me, I still will follow
though none go with me, I still will follow
though none go with me, I still will follow
no turning back
no turning back”

Famous.Last.Words.

O HOWE I LOVE JESUS: Fashion for the Growing Boy

For you hipster boy-men ready to grow up and start doing the work of your Father....

Number One: Give yourself a break. Jesus didn’t hit his prime until his early to mid 30’s.

Number Two: You can make that transition in your own Personal Jesus suit by the Hause of Howe for a mere $250. Number Three: Good luck in looking as hot as Howe’s Jesus-look-alike model.

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Top pic (Howe) from LATimes "All The Rage" blog article by Melissa Magsaysay
Bottom pic from Jade Howe's blogspot blog: http://www.doyouknowhowe.blogspot.com/

Buy Online:

Spring Collection 2009 : http://www.hauseofhoweclothing.com/

Fall Collection 2009: http://www.hauseofhowe.com/

Jesus In My Hood: Stretching The Local Canvas

Ary Scheffer’s “Christus Consolator” recently caused a stir at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts (MIA). Quite revered in its heyday, circa 1837, even an inspiration to Van Gogh, Scheffer painted "Christus" copies that sold around the world. One found its way to rural Minnesota, and hence the recent unveiling at the MIA. As I stood in front of “Christus Consolator” I noticed that the composition, detail and plot were delightful, but I failed to see the charm, perhaps because “Christus Consolator” has to compete with sensual, modern, macho Jesus art that has the son-of-god doing heroin. (Stephen S. Sawyer version of "Calvary")
Which reminds me of the “The Cross and the Switchblade”(1970). If anything turned me off from a life of glamorous drug use, that movie did. Thank you, Jesus! And Officer Poncherello!

Heroin Jesus in connection to Minnesota? I live in The Land of Ten Thousand Treatment Centers, Sober-Club City. Some of my best friends are NA, AA, or just plain MIA.

But I digress.

Which reminds me of "This American Life", the TV series. To be honest, Ira Glass's formula for story telling has also lost its charm. Blasé. The piece on Jesus painter Ben McPherson, in “God's Close Up” (2007), I found tolerable. Basically this guy goes around Utah like a regular old Norman Rockwell, looking for bearded men to model for his Jesus series. McPherson is a connoisseur of beards. I’m a bit jealous. Ironically, the girl who dates the HOT Atheist Jesus model has left the (Mormon) faith… so the story is about her too. If she gets too uncomfortable with her boyfriend as Jesus, as apparently she is, I’d be glad to take on her Wifely Duties with Him.

You ask, how can I claim this “This American Life” episode as a representation of local art? PRI has a Minnesota mommy. Ira Glass would be SOL without us Minnesotans. Thanks to the first public radio station EVER… WCAL. (BTW, I can fit more acronyms into this paragraph if you insist...)

At least McPherson’s Hot Atheist Jesus Model is not put in compromising poses as Thomas Blackshear likes to do with his Jesus. “Forgiven”(1992): Another modern day homo-erotic classic. I own a book dedicated to this painting. I know I'm stretching it, but some of my best friends are.... you guessed it... which makes this painting Minnesotan enough for me.

Finally, check out Minnesota artist Jessie DeCorsey. I enjoy her work over coffee. The iconic art-nouveau-ish gold leaf backgrounds and borders compete with photo-realistic portraits of ordinary people as saints and biblical characters. Her work allows me to indulge my soft spot for realism, though there is a bit too much realism going on for my taste. Don’t worry, right next to my soft spot for realism is a much larger soft spot for surrealism. It’s just harder to indulge when talking about HOTTIE Jesus art.

My favorite of DeCorsey's paintings is “Adam and Eve.” They watch me read the newspaper when I'm too lazy to make coffee at home. I also enjoy studying her remake of “The Last Supper”. Jesus is very modern… an unbearded (5’oclock shadow) short-haired blond… a cross between Thom Yorke and Chris Martin. Cute.

I've always wanted a reason to reference Thom Yorke on this blog. Thank You, Jessie!

If I had to guess, and I do, I’d guess Jessie DeCorsey comes with catholic baggage. But catholic baggage makes for decent contemporary icon paintings. Once again, I’m only guessing. If I actually gave her a call and straight out asked her, “are you catholic?”… well, that would be too much like original reporting for this half-assed blogger. And a bit creepy.

On that note, still waiting for Minnesotan Dan Lacey to come out with a Pancake-On-Jesus series. Come on Dan... you know you want to.
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Looking forward: I'm semi-excited about the Pre-Raphaelite "Sin and Salvation" exhibit coming to the MIA June 14th. Will keep you posted about how I feel about one of the original Jesus Knocking on Your Door pics.... assuming I don't fall into a dead faint at his feet.
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(if you prefer a link-free, picture-free post, see below)

Local Girl Seriously Pissed Off That End Of The World Falls On Her Birthday, 2012.

ode to The Onion
*See Disclaimer Below*

If you spend more than half an hour per month on the internet, you’ve heard that the end of the world is scheduled for 12/21/2012. You’ve heard that an Ancient Mayan Calendar ends its cycle and with it “experts” point to a general “falling apart of things.” You’ve seen teasers for the upcoming disaster movie "2012" which encourages you to “google 2012”. Maybe you hang out with wide-eyed conspiracy theorists that have clued you in that the date adds up to the number 11... a prime number and bad omen.

“I’ve known about 12/21/2012 for a good three years,” explains Minnesota native Xtine. “And I’ve been pissed off about it for a good three years. It sucks to have my birthday right before Christmas, but this end of the world prediction is the last straw.”

Xtine says she “plans to put an end to the end of the world baloney." She encourages everyone to google debunking, disproving, criticism of 2012. As much evidence as there is for the end of the world, or the ushering in of a New Golden Age, there is evidence that “a whole lotta nada” is going to happen on her birthday… again.

“I take that back,” Xtine says. “My birthday seems to be a cosmic magnet for shit-hitting-the-fan. People die, things break, blizzards, no sunlight, finals due… nothing surprises me anymore. But I’m not going to let the bastards get me down about yet another birthday. No sirree!”

How does she feel about the theory of a New Golden Age of Enlightenment shepherded in on her b-day 2012?

“Better than the alternative… but I’ll believe it when I see it. I’ve been told that my inability to believe the unprovable has something to do with me being German*. How can you call your own mother racist?”

What about all the prophecies that point to the Doomsday theory of 2012?

“My whole life I’ve been told that the end of the world was going to happen soon. In the ‘80s, churches predicted the End Times would start within 20 years, tops. I grew up believing I had a 1 in a zillion chance of ever maturing enough to find a mate, much less a soul-mate. Why bother with human men when Jesus-fucking-son-of-God is going to come and pick you up for a very hot date in heaven? I’m well versed in the biblical theory that 'this generation will not pass away until all things take place' (Luke 21:32). In other words, since the birth of the state of Israel in 1948, the baby-boomers won’t be cold and dead before the 2nd coming. I also am well-versed in how often end-time scholars point to the scripture that No One knows exactly when Jesus comes again (Matthew 24:36), but the lord will come like a thief in the night (1Thes 5:2). Don't get me quoting scripture... my dad taught the book of Revelation during my home-church days, for christ's sake."

She admits she is not allowed access to the copious notes he left behind.

“She’s going off on a tangent, again, and obviously is starved for attention,” friend Mouser quips. “Typical middle-child pranks. The end of the world is going to happen sooner or later, and someone’s birthday is going to be fucked, so I don’t know what the big deal is. She needs to grown-up! She’s such a whiner. She should be honored. I know I would be.”

While the "Left Behind" series reinforces fears of death, torture, and abandonment (not necessarily in that order) among a new generation of Christians who debate tribulation versus armegeddon versus the rapture versus the 2nd coming versus the apocalypse versus revival versus hardening of hearts, the rest of the world population gets to look forward to three years of debate between the New Golden Age and Mega Catastrophe 2012 schools.

For those who believe that the 2012 Doomsday theory is true, Xtine has a solution. She wants 2012 Doomsday believers to know that she was born on that day so she could save the world from damnation. She has no intention of letting anyone get hurt or die on that day, or for that matter the week surrounding it.

What if She dies before that date?

“Legitimate question. Shit happens.”

Xtine promises she will come back from the dead to deflect whatever pole-shifting comet or sun-spot threatens you and your loved ones. She says she has a few tricks up her sleeve.

“There is no way you’re going to get me to spill the beans on my secret powers. Suffice it to say, I don’t practice alternative-nostril-breathing meditation for nothing!”

Xtine believes that people who buy into misinterpreted new-age, or old-age prophecies by men in beards should have no problem with her proclaiming herself as their salvation.

“Obviously, those who latch on to imminent doom and gloom are A. willing to believe anything, B. have mommy issues, C. need to spend less time on the internet, D. are easy to take advantage of, and E. need to find a licensed therapist. In the meantime, I will offer them hope, comfort, and salvation from absolute, total destruction on my birthday. It’s the least I can do.”

“Ironically, Xtine’s behavior is indicative of Biblical end-time prophecies,” counters Pastor Holymoley. “She is setting herself as a false prophet. There a school of Biblical thought that there will be a great falling-away from the faith before the second-coming. Her life is an example of this. She cherry-picks scripture that supports her hardening of the heart, her loss of faith, and ignores scripture that doesn’t fit her theologically weak arguments. Now that 2012 date… a bunch of hooey. No one can know. But we’ll see how she feels when she stands before the throne of God and has to explain her (ahem), Physical Yearnings for her Lord and Savior.”

Xtine shrugs off the criticism.

“You leave one doomsday cult behind, and find out that humans are determined to join any doomsday cult available. Why are people so infatuated with theorizing on the destruction of mankind? In my book, doomsday cults are a lazy-ass way to avoid committing to a better world and life, right now. Heck, we have a whole genre of Christian politicians who refuse to fund environmental or economic sustainable futures based on their belief that the mess we’ve created can only be fixed by Jesus. Pro-life indeed!”

Though still seriously pissed, and desperately in need of a chill-pill, Xtine says she has big plans for the day. Drinks and Dinner and Dancing, etc, are all on her come 12/21/2012. If you’re smart, get in her inner circle and she’ll pick up the tab for your 2012 celebration.

Some people are saving up for a time-space warping starship to another galaxy by 2012. Some people are saving other people’s souls for the 2nd coming of Christ. Xtine is saving up cash for a birthday bash to end all birthday bashes.

"I knew my mattress was good for something."

Once the doomsayers come to their senses, they too are invited to join in a yet another of Xtine’s 26th birthdays. After all, if she is "saving their ass" from death and destruction, the least they can do is join in her birthday party.

She’s launching a campaign to boycott the movie "2012". Though she admits she’ll probably go see it incognito, Xtine encourages people to generally speaking just-say-no.

“I’ve always wanted a reason to boycott something. Now I have one. At the very least, donate your popcorn and diet coke money to a non-faith-based cause of your choice.”
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*Disclaimer Below* Any similiarity between real people, living or dead, is terribly unfortunate, purely coincidental, and/or to be taken as a sign of affection. After all, it takes a German to know a German.

Quickie: Jesus Groupies

Check out the Jesus Groupie site. You can purchase all sorts of cool stuff, including a t-shirt that informs us that "pretty girls love christ too!" Good to know.

Good to know that other Hotties are On fire for Christ... for $23.99.

Good to know.

In this economy $23.99 is too rich for my blood.

But don't say I never told you about all the beautiful women hanging out with Jesus.

Pastor Melissa Scott: Well-Endowed With the Spirit

Over a year ago, I first read about the former porn/adult entertainer Melissa Scott turned preacher through the blog Mothrust. Recently at the gym, I succumbed to Marie Claire, one of those magazines that tell women how to be beautiful on the outside. Like Playboy, sometimes one can be pleasantly surprised at the sorta in-depth articles… slightly juicy, fairly educational, occasionally well-written.

In this month’s Marie Claire one can read all about the former porn-star turned born-again multi-millionaire preacher. I’ve avoided writing about Pastor Melissa Scott for over a year, partly because … I don’t know why… too good to be true?

So this one’s for the guys out there…. Look at what you’re missing by not going to church. Melissa Scott plays right into the mythology of hot female nymphomaniacs crowding the pews of repressive churches. Though I appreciate the desire to deride her, and for some the desire to ride her, I can’t help but secretly cheer for her.

She broke into one of the most difficult good-old-boys clubs out there… the Christian pulpit. So what if she is making millions? So what if she qualifies as a spiritual con-artist? So what if she once posed naked?

Scott’s found a way to head a church in a religion that really dislikes women behind the pulpit. Who cares if she slept and married her way to the top? Who cares if it is a result of nepotism? What money-making machine isn’t a result of inappropriate mostly-male-dominated nepotism?

How can I be so lenient with her, as one who gets sick to her stomach reading about corrupt, money-grubbing Bakker-esque spiritual/Christian empires? It sickens me that her fellow prosperity-doctrined motivational speaker/preacher colleague Joel Osteen is about to visit Minneapolis and pack the Target Center like a bloated rock-star.

Neither have any formal seminary training.

Maybe I like to see the born-again Fundies squirm. According to Paul, women should NOT be the head of the church. Of course we all know Jesus doesn’t say anything about this, so you’ll find some left-handed Christian churches with female and gay pastors. But female pastors are still very much a minority… and seldom, if ever, in the evangelical fundie circles.
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A couple years ago I dressed up as Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann for Halloween. I coined the phrase, “A vote for me is a vote for Jesus.” Combine it with a firm handshake, and introducing myself as Michelle Bachmann, and I found an easy way to make enemies in Minneapolis.

Michelle found a way to circumvent the prevailing fundie/evangelical philosophy that women should not work outside of the home and rarely should be in roles of power over men by letting us all know that she and her hubbie had prayed about it and that her husband not only allowed her to run for the office, but that God spoke to them and said it was okay.

Wildly popular, that Halloween I was invited to appear as candidate Bachmann at a party, where I found an assassin hired to kill me. People spewed so much anger and hatred and hexes at her/me that it got me thinking. Sure, we all love to make fun of the "crazy" Fundies and conservatives (you have to be a little crazy to run for office), but in all the poking fun, I noticed a serious inability to take these people seriously... while blinded by fear and hatred towards them.

Even conservative Christian MILFS are capable of ruling and ruining the world. Look at Germany. Or don't. Not here to debate the hotness of Angela Merkel.

Bachmann not only won the election after that Halloween, but was RE-ELECTED two years later. And she’s giving it another go in 2010.

BTW, I do have pictures of "Michelle Bachmann" in a series of politically compromising poses. Pictures of her with the male stripper are unavailable, but there were several reliable witnesses.
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Likewise, his-herstory repeats itself with Melissa Scott. In the 1920-30s, infamous tabloid-friendly female pentacostal evangelical Aimee Semple McPherson started an evangelical church movement that has tendrils all over the world… the Foursquare Churches.

For those Christians who are okay with women behind the pulpit, Melissa Scott’s story is as legit as any other charismatic male sheep-herder. For those Christians who aren’t okay with women behind the pulpit… it’s a shame. Women are hardwired, either by nature or nurture, to not be ashamed of their spirituality… whether bullshit spirituality or less-bullshit spirituality.

(I really dislike that word “spirituality” which imo is better defined as mind-body wisdom.)

The sexual and the spiritual are twins, not identical, but twins. Currently as Cain and Abel, one tries to off the other.

It’s a shame that men still hold a monopoly on telling people how to run their spiritual and sexual lives. It’s a shame that women are still demonized for how they do or don’t express their spiritual and sexual lives.

Sure, Scott may have shown her tits and twat to strangers, but that is no reason to blow her off as a pastor. After all, as hypocritical as it is for mega churches to pay mega dollars to mega pastors, she still has as much right to the claim of “Christian” as Palin, Bachmann, Billy Graham or Obama.

The Marie Claire article tries to follow the money and tells a fairly straight story. I don’t like how the author uses loaded words to describe Scott: she coos, licks the tips of her fingers to turn bible pages, flings her endless chestnut locks, is doe-eyed, smacks her berry-stained lips, flashes a smile.

I dare you to sit through any male-led church service and NOT notice the not-so-subtle machismo going on behind the pulpit. I’d prefer Melissa Scott’s story to be a reason for Christians to debate the doctrine of whether or not to allow women to lead a church. I’d rather not see her story as a round-about way to demonize female sexuality… just as I get tired of all the attention paid to the fashion sense of female politicians.

I need to be careful what I ask for. Scott may be just as easily used to teach the virtues of a reformed born-again life as Bristol Palin is tapped to be a spokeswoman for teenage abstinence. Also shows the conservative penchant for mixing re-virginization with born-again status.

As long as we cast women like Palin and Bachmann into the MILF category and don’t take them seriously as leaders capable of (mis)shaping public policy, why should women look at male politicians as anything but overweight, insecure breeders mishandling and misinterpreting power they take for granted? The saddest part of this story being that Bachmann had to get permission from her husband and a male-characterized god to run for the position.

Same goes for pastors. In the end I may have Melissa Scott’s back in the quest to shake up the doctrine of male-dominated pulpits, but I have to take her seriously as someone capable of misusing her power in the spiritual department (ie, the prosperity doctrine).

In the end I can’t turn a blind eye to her ability to not only lead a congregation, but to mislead. The saddest part of this story being that Scott feels as though she NEEDS to be forgiven for her sexually explicit past.
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Related Articles and Sites:
Connecting the Dots: The Link Between Gay Marriage and Mass Murders
(this gem also describes the sexual revolution, which i define as women claiming reproductive and sexual rights, as another reason behind this spring's mass murders)
xxxchurch.com (a place to get over sex addictions... pre/extra-marital lust is a bitch)
The Global Campaign to Stop Stoning and Killing Women!
Evangelist Joel Osteen Coming to Minneapolis (learn how to love God AND your money)
Teen Mom Bristol Palin: The New Face of Abstinence
Women in Ministry (a man's interpretation of scripture regarding women's place in the church)
Women in Ministry (a woman's blog dedicated to discussing doctrine of women behind the pulpit)

CAN I GET A TWITT-NESS?:Online Jesus and His Spiritual Twin

I moved on up, away from dial-up...

(space for audience to cringe, laugh and point fingers)

...and as a result of new techie equipment, I opened a Twitter account... because I can. (teandoranges). Almost immediately, I was blessed with a site that girls like me warp into Hottie Jesus spottings.

I've been twitt-nessed to.

Yes, Jesus via Ron(WayToHeaven3175) immediately found me on Twitter and directed me to a site that explains the way to Heaven. For those of you who have never had The Way To Heaven mapped out for you, feel free to soak up all the necessary information at http://www.heaventruth.org/. For people like me who know the way to heaven AND hell is a dead-end, the site is kind enough to remind me through the Seven Truths (half-way down the page) that "People who have been redeemed by the Lord Jesus Christ can never lose their salvation."

WHAT A RELIEF!!!! I'm going to chalk up Ron(WayToHeaven3175) in the Once-Saved-Always-Saved camp. I'm keeping a loose tally of those who believe one can never lose their salvation, and those who believe one can lose it. It's a toss-up. One can always spin that someone was never"redeemed" in the first place. According to many Pentacostals, if you haven't spoken in tongues, you haven't been baptized in the Holy Spirit and aren't fully Christian. Now is Not a good time to talk about my personal experience with speaking in tongues... or baptism... those bits can wait...

To make my day even more wunderbar, I scrolled down to the bottom and was rewarded with some Very Nice Hottie Jesus Pics. Behold Jesus looking Hot-On-A-Cross and Absolutely-Stunning after waking from his 3 day beauty sleep retreat in a cave.

Thank you Ron(WayToHeaven3175) for twitt-nessing to me and making me a very happy woman.

________________

Since we're talking about The Way To Heaven... I've been reading the Gospel of Thomas. I'm taking it pretty seriously as a possible more-than-Gnostic text. It spits in the face of canonical Christianity, is quite buddhist/Light inspired, and seems to have potential as a legitimate historical document either parallel to or inspired by the virtual Q(uelle).

No, I haven't read other "gnostic" texts. From what I've read so far, the Gospel of Thomas is dismissed as gnostic by theologians who subscribe to the canon but separated from the Gnostic texts by those who take a more secular, historical approach to the Christianity.

Thomas means twin, often interpreted as the spiritual twin of Jesus. If you read the canonical bible, Thomas is the dweeb who doubts Jesus' resurrection. He's demonized ever so slightly. Historically, those who followed Thomas, versus the churches of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, probably were dismissed from the canon or not available to be included in the canon (wrong place at the right time). In the Gospel of Thomas, ONLY Thomas gets Jesus. The other disciples are clueless.

For instance, when reading the canonical Gospels, one gleans that Heaven is in the FUTURE (after death/2nd coming) and in a far away place. Thomas' interpretation of Jesus is that Heaven is Right Here, Right Now... (thank you Jesus Jones). Heaven is everpresent... in Everything at All Times, All Places. If you can't find it, you're either looking too hard in the wrong place, or just plain looking too hard.

This Is It.

There's much more to the Gospel of Thomas, and by no means do I consider myself anything but an armchair enthusiast. If you're into this kind of thing, Please Visit the beautiful website for the Thomasine Church!

I encourage you to watch the following series: Corpus Christi (1997) and Origins of Christianity (2004). Last winter I gobbled up both of them, and took copious notes, because I'm a nerd. Lengthy, but very much worth it for those interested in the historical Jesus. The Gospel of Thomas enters into the discussion and debates.

Suffice it to say, Christianity as we know it does not jive with the Gospel of Thomas. Though there is word-for-word cross over of Jesus' sayings found in the canonical Gospels and Thomas' Gopsel, Jesus' underlying message is fundamentally different.

If one doesn't need to be saved or redeemed, as Thomas' Jesus suggests, what the hell is the point in starting a multi-trillion dollar brainwashing corporation that slathers guilt and sin all over the human condition? No need to be washed in the blood of a sacrificial lamb if the only person who can find the sweet-spot of Heaven (or hell) in you is YOU. The Gospel of Thomas does not kill Jesus off, nor resurrects him, no makes him into the son of god.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

THIS IS IT!

_____________

toptobottom: All Illustrations by Peter Paul Rubens: the Apostle Peter kissing some sweet Jesus ass in Christ's charge to Peter, c. 1616. The Resurrection of Christ... god, he looks healthy... wonder what his burial cloth is hiding. Doubting Thomas... with no wound in the splendid side of Jesus. Rubens painted some of the hottest Jesuses around.

RIGHTEOUS BLING: What to Wear for Jesus, Part I

You're headed out for coffee at the neighborhood wannabe-atnik java house. Your morning meditation on The Word reminded you that it is important to encourage the advances of like-minded Christians. How do you let the drama-king across the room know that you are a follower of JC? How do you encourage strangers to strike up a conversation with you, opening them up to receive your unique spin on the gospel and the opportunity to share your testimony? How do you avoid coming across as a Jesus-Freak poseur?

Sounds like you're in the market for a large wooden cross with a heavy silver chain. It will allow you to mix casual vintage with casual witnessing over espresso. Large enough to be discernable from across a cluttered room of nerds, the wooden structure of this Righteous Bling says... I'm humble... I'm approachable... I too had a cross to bear and Jesus can lift the cross from around your neck the way Jesus bore the burden on the cross for my neck.

Suddenly it's Saturday night. You're headed to a local hip-hop show and want to look your best... and give off the right vibe to inebriated members of the opposite sex. What kind of JC bling will catch the eye in a dark room? How do you let others know you're taking Jesus home with you tonight? What will make the wrong suitor think twice and turn back to his/her beer and the right suitor ask if you want to attend church with him/her in the morning?

Allow me to suggest the gold-chained Handsome Jesus Bling. He's dreamy. And he means business. It's a great way to advertise your faith to a crowded room of groupies. This evening-wear Jesus bling comes with a heads up: think twice about flashing this Righteous Bling at a concert by Brother Ali (excellent tipper) or Matisyahu (don't know how he tips). Slug of Atmosphere (fabulous tipper) probably wouldn't care one way or the other.... since he has a song entitled "Uptown Jesus." Just remember... you're representing! If you're going to wear this out on the town, don't forget to ask yourself, "How Would Jesus Tip?". ***

Eventually these items may be up for sale. You may even want to buy and wear both, as a reference to Kienholz's "76 J.C.s Led the Big Charade" installation.

Whether you wear the afternoon or evening Righteous Bling, may your aura shine as strong as the bling around your neck.

*** 18-25% bitches