Coffee-Talk on Jay Bakker and George Beverly Shea: Round-up of Today's Good News & Christian Gossip

Jay Bakker: Today Jay Bakker announced via Twitter the new location for his new Minneapolis Revolution church-bar: Bryant Lake Bowl.

Bryant Lake Bowl: Jay Bakker moved to Minnesota for this... to be where all the cool kids hang out.

I know I swore I'd not set foot in his Minneapolis church, but he picked a place I won't be able to avoid.  BLB and I go way back, like it does with every other 1st-wave hipster around these parts.  I've pulled a groin muscle bowling there, read countless newspapers over coffee before the interwebs hit the phone, scribbled piles and piles of crap in notebooks there, made it a pit-stop from my bike-ride home from the library, morning-after brunched with at least one hot bearded man there, attended numerous shows supporting friends in the back room/theatre (where the church will most likely meet) and witnessed the old-school Minneapolis hipster movement turn into boring couples with their kids while we all rolled our eyes at the subsequent waves of hipsters who cram into the door.  I love that place, though I'm also well-versed in a number of reasons to hate that place... mainly... the fucking hipsters.

Bryant Lake Bowl will forever be that place where I met an old friend from childhood back in 1999, before I moved to The Cities, and I witnessed her order a Bloody Mary... for lunch... in the middle of the week!!?!  Shocking for the little teetotaler me at the time. All downhill from there.

Bryant Lake Bowl was also the place that I attended the show that I reviewed here in 2010: Get Mad At Sin! in which one man performed verbatim an entire vintage sermon by Jimmy Swaggart.  It was awesome.

So, ironically, Jay will be preaching/meeting in the same theatre space where a Jimmy Swaggart impersonator kicked Sin's ass.  Also, likely in an apropos tribute to his mother, Tammy Faye, the first service will be on Mother's Day.

I wish Jay Bakker luck.  No doubt he'll have more than this back-slidden Baptist to answer to around that part of Uptown.  I also wish myself luck in not having a boozy brunch turn into a, "OhMyGod! I've been harassing you online like, FOREVER! Can you sign the screen of my smartphone with this sharpie?! OMG! You're shorter in person than on Twitter.  I bet you get that ALL the time. Can I buy you and your lady friend/sister wife a derinck?" fiasco.

Seriously.  Nipping that shit in the bud before it happens.

George Beverly Shea: George Beverly kicked the bucket yesterday.  I grew up on his music and testimonies.  He was in Billy Graham's travelling sideshow... aptly dubbed the Billy Graham Crusades.

It should have been called The Billy and George Beverly Show.

Music sticks in your psyche the way sermons never will.  Or at least for me, the daughter of musicians who loved George Beverly Shea's music... the music stays long after the rest fades.  The songs of his that I remember best: I'd Rather Have Jesus and How Great Thou Art.

Despite my half-assed hipster facade, you're looking at a woman who used to spend hours and hours and hours standing at the piano and/or Hammond organ (we had 2 of each in our home at one point) turning the pages for my mother and then my sister and singing hymns and gospel songs while other kids my age watched Transformers and Rainbow Bright and Friends.

The music of George Beverly Shea and his ilk shaped the first 26 years of my life.  You don't forget that shit.  I've said it before, and will say it again... MUSIC is one of the most effective indoctrination tools out there.  Be Selective.  That shit can make or break your entire philosophy on life.  The emotions people attach to music, regardless of the situation, are nearly impossible to break free from. Like scents that bring back floods and waves of memories, good and bad, Music does the same thing.  George Beverly Shea singing "The Old Rugged Cross" is in my brain for life.  Thanks a lot, mom and dad!

In other news: Billy Graham is not yet dead. Pretty sure the world will end when that happens.  Baby Boomer Born-Againers will Not be able to carry on without him.  True story. You heard it here first. Sign of the fucking times.

"The Rest of Us" : A description of heaven and god found in part of a poem by Jude Nutter

Happy Poetry Month, America!

The following excerpts are from Minnesota/International poet Jude Nutter.  In this poem The Rest of Us dedicated "for Roger" she describes a friend coming out of a long coma.  As he regains his speech he tells her about "heaven." I'm including only the portions that are relevant to that description.

William Blake

 ...And so heaven is built, one
thick mouthful at a time: god,
you tell me, is a casual flame burning
around the trunk of every tree and under

the shelf of every leaf, and how can I
not think about Blake, who saw angels
bleating with fire in the trees and then lived his life
with the lord's bright body caught in his throat

like a hymn.  There is no heaven;
only birds and wind.  And your mind
flirting with its own absence. And the late-
blooming flowers sending out dark fleets of blossom.
......

.....
There is no god, just the limned

and tooled body of the wind at play 
among the plumes of the lilac; and trust me,
there's a warmth down in the grasses, right
where they enter the soil, and it will coat

your throat like a hymn.  Come, let me wheel
you out through the streets of the world,
where the rest of us live, where there are no angels;
only girls on every corner baring their beautiful limbs.

-From The Rest of Us found in Jude Nutter's poetry collection The Curator of Silence.

Pegasus by William Blake

I'm on a creative writing kick.  It means I'll continue to spew Hot4Jesus observations as they come, but it also means I'm rededicating myself to....

writing...
seriously...
again.
Serious writing. Very serious.  Very.

So yes, I've started ANOTHER blog that you are welcome to read if you're into reading about the writing process and seeing my purely secular side.  There are original book-porn pics too.  (pics of books, you freaks)  It is a deliberate step toward rediscovering the pieces worth sending somewhere to be published on this old-fashioned thing called "paper."   Please stop by!: Archiving The Labyrinth. 

Jay Bakker... the Prodigal Son returns to the home of his mother: Minneapolis & Minnesota

Jay Bakker has moved to Minneapolis… and is starting a “church” here.   

StarTribune Headline: Son of televangelists Jim and Tammy Faye, Jay Bakker to start church in Minneapolis

Part of me doesn’t give a shit and the other part of me is a touch sentimental. 

Sentimental?

#1. Jay Bakker was the inspiration behind one my first Hot-For-Jesus Former Fundie posts back in 2007 (on tattoos) and 2008 (Poem by Philip Larkin dedicated to the likes of Jay ... who once upon a time I Hot4Jesus crushed on).  You never forget one of your firsts.

#2. There is vague family lore about his mother.  I won’t go into it, but one of the reasons my extended family never supported the Bakker ministry industry was because of these vague family lore reasons that came up during family reunions. (Sentimental in part because I don’t do family reunions anymore… at all.)

#3.  If I hadn’t fallen off the Jesus bandwagon entirely I would be in the Jay Bakker fan club, hard-core… and probably stalk him after every service.  In a parallel universe/reality thingy, right about now I would be leaving the Solomon’s Porch music scene behind to head the original worship music and JohnnyCash-esque cover songs for his new bar church here in Minneapolis.  Or whatever they don’t do for music… I would be his go-to for not doing it.  In a parallel universe, I would be a female deacon in Jay Bakker’s church, which wouldn’t have deacon but special helpers with special gifts.  My special gift would be performing original Jesus music and encouraging others to do the same. Or maybe I finally would be sticking my neck out and… horrors… preaching!

#4.  I HAVE entirely fallen off the Jesus band wagon.  I will never be able to say that I’m 100% over the whole she-bang… as in… I still have hymns run through my head, get angry about spiritual abuse and American state-sanctioned religion, experience flashbacks, will still write about it as the spirit moves me, etc, etc, … but I have no intention of setting foot in Jay's church. 

Hell, I’ll encourage other ex-fundies to go to his church until the cows come home and the chickens come home to roost, or whatever, but I’m done with that scene… yes, even the uber-liberal and liberated Jesus-IS-Love beer-drinking hipster Christian scene.  I don’t disagree with their approach and I truly believe Jay is on the cutting edge and has wisely chosen Minnesota (it will be a challenge and affirming) but the sentimental aspect to this is… you can never go home again. 

Trust me… I’ve tried… literally and figuratively (church-wise). 

On the subject of prodigal son's attempting to go home again... By coming “home” to Minnesota, Jay may discover something different.  I hope he finds Minnesota to be less of a bitch than I am… but to be honest, though my process of letting go of my spiritual past has been sometimes messy, sometimes funny, sometimes sexy and sometimes hard work… I know he has gone through a similar process and come to a very different conclusion than I have.   

Where I’m coming from now is that one does not need to be a Believer/believer or have Faith/faith or even seek Forgiveness/forgiveness or Love/love or Grace/grace from God/god.  We all have to live with ourSelves, and I understand a lot of people are conditioned to not love or forgive that self.  They will seek the words and encouragement of Jay Bakker.  He will not disappoint the people who won’t/can’t/don’t need to let go the way I did.  

#5. For those who do let go, and even for Jay, there is this wonderful Former Fundamentalist group in Minneapolis/St.Paul that is still going strong, even after I walked away as organizer a year ago (another reason for sentimentality… an anniversary of letting-go…one year ago this week) and I encourage anyone/everyone who needs Jay Bakker and/or the grace and love of Jay Bakker’s Jesus in their life to realize there are people out there who will encourage you regardless of whether or not you listen and pray at the feet of Jay with a beer in hand.  The Former Fundies drink beer sometimes, too.  If you go… tell the Former Fundies, Evangelicals, catholics, Lutherans, pentacostals, et.al., that I say “Hey.”

So… yes, it is sentimental time here at Hot4Jesus… but that is in part what this blog is founded on… Sentimentality.  It is also founded on Anger and Love and even finding the understanding to “forgive” (no, I don’t believe in “forgivness”… but I do believe in a deeper, kinder understanding…)  those who impose their unrealistic beliefs on others, especially children.

Jay, like I’ve said before… gets it. He has seen the worst of the worst when it comes to religion.   

We survivors are on your side.  Keep your chin up, Minneapolis, and tell Jay I said, “Hey.”

Diogo Morgado as Jesus: Meh.

I’m contractually obligated to say something about the new History Channel/A&E/Disney show The Bible.

Honestly? I’m watching the Netflix Shakespearean drama House of Cards and find it far more titillating than the so-called #HotJesus trend that the actor, What'sHisButt... Diogo Morgado, is creating on Twitter.

The Bible viewers who think Diogo Morgado represents Jesus Hotness are wrong.  

Plain and Simple. He is not hot.  

I know.   

I Am the HotJesus Expert.  

This latest Jesus specimen is mediocre at best. No need to argue.  This is my field of expertise.  They/Disney/History Channel really dropped the ball, imo, when they cast So and So as Jesus.  

Don't believe me?  Does This Look Like A Hot Jesus???

 

No. I thought so.  This actor is Brendan Fraser waiting to happen.  End of story.

You want to fight?!  Okay... so there are pics to be found where Diogo pulls off the Emotionally Tortured Bearded Man look quite well.  But then there are pics of him, once again, looking like this.

  

 

Go ahead.  Tell me I'm shallow.  I'm well aware that not everyone can pull off the gaunt, tortured soul look.  Point being, Diogo is just way too.... cheeky ?  for this role.

His nose... sure.  Okay.  Maybe.

I'll even give you the upper lids of his eyes and parts of his brow...  But as a whole package, I'm not buying it.  I'd rather watch nothing but a Pack of Cards... I mean a House of Cards.

My fight-picking skills are a bit underdeveloped.  If you'd care to argue about it, we can pretend to give a shit in the comments below.

I do have some deeper rumination about this #HotJesus Bible bit.  Mainly… sometimes we forget that Hollywood actors are mere thespians, and thespians are people who weigh the pros and cons of taking a part, and of when/what/how to audition.  I often wonder what goes through the head of actors auditioning for Jesus.  Of course, not only do all of them have a special relationship with God and the Character, in this case Jesus fucking Christ, but it probably involves a multitude of additional head games where they find themselves asking God to bless the audition.  

 Let’s listen in, shall we?

Dear Heavenly Father, You have blessed me with marvelous talents and You have called me to be a Light unto the world, particularly among the often unholy studios of Hollywood.  You have blessed me, and I desire to use my talents for Your Glory.  Please, may the Holy Spirit speak through me, and may your Son’s face shine upon me during today’s audition for the part of Jesus Christ.  I desire not only to be a witness for you, Lord, helping light the path to the foot of The Cross, but I also desire to most accurately represent the Word of God Made Flesh in the artistic choices I need to make; artistic choices regarding the best way to depart to your followers how Jesus moved his long flowing locks from his face when confronted with gusts of wind from the desert, how he managed his robes when squatting to heal the sick, and how to look intently upon the face of attractive actresses playing whores, and the like, without showing the desire, the human desire, within my facial expressions (for I am only human, a man blessed with manly desires, ThankYouJesus).  May my face be a face that does not show lust, or incite lust, in the hearts of the viewers, and may you bless this screen test and audition.  Not my will, but Thine be done.

What kind of prayers and head games do you think thespians need to pray/play when auditioning for the Ultimate Role of #HotJesus?????? Share with the class, please.

Btw: to those English/Latin majors out there. Is it just me, or does Morgado suggest.... Death???!!!

Ode to the Jesus Beard

I'm lucky to have a friend who sends me pics and links via text message throughout the week... and they always seems to catch me when I need a Pick-Me-Up. Sometimes they are cute kitty pics, sometimes e-cards along the lines of "i need a fucking drink," sometimes links to fascinating blogs (Beardboy), and sometimes NSFW pics of hot guys who know how to wear a beard.

Bart and I have similar tastes in men, and he is my date to the 2013 Minnesota Beard-Off. To get everyone primed for next week's (Saturday, February 9th) festivities at First Ave., here is an ode to a good friend who is always game to drooling over pics of hot men while drinking mimosas or beer. I don't have any identifying info about who is in these photos, but if you recognize one of these men, please... tell him to give me a holler and we'll work out a method of reimbursement for using his face on this blog.

Jesus never tires of hearing your life story.

Jesus doesn't want to wear the pants in this relationship.

Jesus being a drama queen.

Back Porch Jesus. enough said.

 Thanks, Bart!  I seriously could not have created this blog post without you!!!

Behold! A Virgin Shall Conceive: The Christian Tradition of Legitimizing Rape

I finally figured it out. I finally understand why all these Republicans are getting by with going on and on and on and on about how pregnancies from rape are no big deal and should not be reason for the woman/rapee to choose abortion.

BIG FAT ASIDE: Doesn't it bother anyone that we are even having this conversation since abortion is a legal choice of the impregnated woman regardless of whether it is a result of rape or a busted condom? The fact that they can have this discussion trying to get rid abortions in all cases suggests we've moved so far to the right that... wait… why are we even  discussing the legality of abortion period, much less abortions as a Normal and Healthy response to extremely traumatizing scenarios?  That we've become that desensitized to how far right we've gone that we're willing to even debate this to begin with… well… it is just plain silly.

Soooo. Top 5 or 6 or 7 Reasons Why the Choice of Abortion as a Healthy Response to Rape or Incest is NOT an Option (according to many Republican men and holier-than-thou women) :

#1.  She was asking for it and the pregnancy is a reminder that she shouldn't be so friendly/slutty. 
#2.  The rape wasn't legit... ala Akin. If she didn’t want to be raped, every inch of her body would have fought back harder… including her uterus and the egg would have kicked the sperm’s butt to the curb. 

#3.  She wanted to get preggers then decided against it and now she wants an abortion. So convenient.  Women are wishy-washy and notoriously don’t know what they want. 
#4.  Remind me why we are even having this discussion?!
#5.  Mary, Mother of Jesus, was raped. It is an honor to bear a child resulting from rape.
#6.  Men in power and self-righteous women know what’s best for.... Woahhhhhh Horsey! What was that last one?!

#5.  Mary, Mother of Jesus, was raped. Bearing children that come from rape is as Christian as you can get.

Okay. Now it is time to move into Roman Numerals.
Some theories/myths/stuff Freethinkers and atheists think up:

I.                
 Mary was raped by a Roman soldier. This is one of the oldest heresy shockers pushed by evil Jews and even more evil Pagans who weren't all that thrilled about what was being pushed down their throats. This is an old-school myth. Some atheists are especially attached to this one because it is so easy to process. And they have proof. Sorta. It's written down ... in this stack of papers... somewhere. One accompanying theory goes that Mary was so traumatized by the rape that she reinvented her life and the story of her son's birth just to deal with the pain... which people definitely do. I do like that perspective on the theory. OR Mary was a temple virgin prostitute/priestess, which was also common practice, and whether raped or as a result of a ritual gone awry, the child had a holy beginning.

II.              
Joseph hooked up with/raped Mary outside of wedlock (Mary was a child even by today's standards… about 12 years old) ... and had to smooth things over.  The smoothing-over story got a little out of hand, but 2000 years later, no one is worse for the wear, right? Take that asshole preacher, Jack Schaap, who took that girl over state lines so having sex with her would be legal. It's within Christian tradition.  Get used to it already.
BIG FAT ASIDE: ANOTHER SEXIST HYPOCRITE GOT CAUGHT RED-HANDED!

III.            
God impregnated Mary. This theory is totally legit because G/gods have been impregnating human female virgins for eons, and Christianity needed to latch onto something familiar among the gentiles, so viola! Now, considering the power dynamic, in today's world, a gazillion year old, all-powerful man who has sex with a barely tweenager... well that is pretty much always considered rape. It's not like she had a choice. So if God comes knocking... it doesn't matter if you're 13, 14, 15, 26, 65, 78... you take it... and you like it... or pretend to like it. It's not like you have a choice. Sure, go ahead and act humble and honored that he wants to knock you up, but we 21st century ladies know too much about power dynamics to not scoff at the assumption that any teenager would choose to have sex with an immortal.

Shit. Twilight Series! Damn. Nevermind.

So God meets Girl. Sounds like a Rom-Com for the ages. And it is. Christianity needed to get in on it. They were relative latecomers.

Late-comers. Heh heh.

Okay.  Let's go back to the whore thing. There is no such thing as rape among prostitutes, right?

Wrong. Even if Mary was a whore, sex workers can experience rape... and back in the day when there was barely such a thing as rights for sex workers, I'm guessing non-consensual sex happened frequently.  And they were considered prostitutes, sluts, and whores because ultimately women who practiced any form of goddess worship as a priestess, which is a common theory about both Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene, were easily targeted and demonized by the early Christian church once the translations reinvented them into Literal Virgin and Literal Slut.  Goddess priestess became synonymous with prostitute, regardless of how accurately this may have or not have reflected their rituals as female-wisdom worshipers. 

Point being… Mary, whether a barely consenting tween smitten and coerced into sex by an an all-powerful god or raped by a Roman soldier, Joseph or by a john… point being… Christian tradition is rooted in pregnancies carried to term as a result of rape or barely able to consent sex. 

 

And before I bore you any further… though I had my AHA! moment and typed this out before this Onion article beat me to the punch, I currently live internet-free… so beating The Onion to the punch is an impossibility.  Go ahead.  Doubt the veracity of my brilliant insights.  Once the Onion points out the obvious, all the rest is just commentary. 

At the very least, I hope this has helped you better understand how this Rape-is-a-legit-way-to-get-pregnant mentality is nothing new under the Christian sun.

Tale of Two Fathers, Which Art in Heaven: My Parallel Universe Sibling Paul Ryan Made Me Write This

Once upon a time – a couple years after Paul Ryan’s lawyer father died, leaving four children – Paul Ryan being the youngest in 10^th grade – my public school teacher father kicked-the-bucket (he’d want me to use that line), leaving seven children behind, the oldest in 12^th grade.  I was in 8^th grade. 

My family towed the Reagan/Bush Republican Economics line pretty well.  We didn’t ask for government assistance.  My RN mother moved us closer to her and my father’s family.  She found a big farm house in the country – dirt cheap in the early 1990s but she’d never be able to afford that same house now.  She joked that she thought she got such a good deal on the house because the elderly Catholic farmer widow probably thought she was selling to a fellow Catholic.  Yep - we fundagelical Baptists had moved from Lutheran country into Catholic country.  Rural Minnesota – ‘the Country’ – was a member of our family and she would never have considered forcing us to remain sane in even a small town environment.  We moved from the middle of wheat fields to the middle of corn and soybean fields.

While my mom looked for flexible nursing work, she accompanied us kids on bean-walking expeditions – dirty, mud-up-to-the-knee work for a well-to-do, kind farmer neighbor.  We pulled weeds in those soybean fields as a family that first summer after my father died.  That farmer eventually hired me as a babysitter and my brothers as farm hands. 

Paul Ryan received Social Security Survivor Benefits money upon his father’s death.  He put that money in savings to pay for college. We also received Social Security Survivor Benefits upon my father’s death – something my mother didn’t know we had coming until someone told her she basically didn’t have a choice but to take it.  It was basically money our father had already paid into Social Security.   

Normally the government passes this Survivor’s Benefit on to cover the expenses of the surviving children through high school graduation.  However, thanks to living the Procreate-For-Jesus Quiverfull lifestyle, there were seven of us – and they only give those benefits for three children at a time.  The money went to pay for some living expenses – mainly health and car insurance for all of us and paying the new mortgage on a big old house that needed constant repair. 

We may have survived without that money once my mom found a decent gig as an RN.  However, when it rains, it pours.  One of my brothers got in a serious snowmobile accident that required he remain in a hospital for over a month – and then once he got out he was in a partial body cast for months that required constant care and intensive physical therapy.  The hospital was almost an hour away so my mother made the difficult decision to quit her RN gig to care for my brother.  Could she have worked full time AND visited, then care for my brother in a body cast?  

Maybe – but this is the type of situation Republicans like Paul Ryan just don’t get... or worse... don't care about.  His father’s death found Ryan in an unfortunate situation, but not so unfortunate that the money he saved for college had to be used to make ends meet.

Paul Ryan doesn’t get that misfortune often happens in spades.  Social Security and government social programs are there for people in Ryan’s situation – but also for people much worse off than Ryan’s situation, and people much, much worse off than my teenage situation.  It appears Paul Ryan didn’t understand poverty then – and he doesn’t understand poverty now. 

There is a poverty that hard work doesn’t put a dent in, but I will not expect people who are born into wealth, or even Comfort, to understand what ground zero is.  I’m lucky to know what ground zero is from the ground level.  Paul Ryan looked down at ground zero.  Too many Americans look up at ground zero. 

There is no Pride in having to rely on strangers for help – but that is in part what we as a nation guarantee through taxation – the kindness of strangers.  Churches require a 10% tithe – much of that money goes to keep the buildings open, pews dusted and pastors paid – not to support widows and orphans as the Bible asks.  No church EVER offered assistance… in fact… single mothers were looked on so suspiciously in the 1990s that you'd think they had never heard of something called 'being Christ-like'. 

Neighbor farmers can offer work to fatherless children – but these kids need transportation to get to work away from the farm.  Cars cost money.  Lots and lots of money.  The list goes on and on and on.  Social Security and government assistance programs are NOT pin money for many Americans.  And the government does NOT anymore cause or encourage poverty than wealthy people who jump through tax loop holes are job creators.

Heck, riding public transit costs money… transportation that Republicans of Rand/Ryan ilk think they should not have to subsidize with their taxes.  If they had their way, every street would have a toll booth at the end of it guarded by someone who can force payment out of you with the end of a semi-automatic.

I rejoice that I have jobs that take taxes out that go to programs that might help out total strangers less fortunate than myself.  It is a secular tithe I am grateful to offer up.  It sure beats the begrudging charity (if you're lucky) of judgmental churches and too many to count so-called Christians.

Why do people need safety nets set up by the government?  Because the government cannot discriminate based on race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, etc, etc, etc… all things private businesses can do and do do… and way too many churches do too.  In fact, I remember discussing the biblical suggestion that widows marry their husband’s brother.  Thank goodness my dad had no brothers and that my mother had already produced more than enough sons.  

Does it bother Paul Ryan that such a large percentage of non-Caucasian children rely on Survivor Benefits?  Does Paul Ryan think Social Security Survivor Benefits is pocket change that can go into savings accounts?  Does Paul Ryan not realize that in the grand scheme of things, his father’s death may not have been nearly as economically earth-shattering as the disability or death of parents starting off in a much less privileged situation?   Did it hurt his Pride that much that the government gave him money that he had coming to him?  Does his and Ayn Rand’s hypocrisy go unchallenged?  Not if I can help it.

Social Security was designed to keep people’s chins up.  Social Security is not welfare that discourages the poor from getting work.  Social Security Survivor Benefits is not something to be ashamed of.  Judging by Paul Ryan’s budget philosophies, you’d be tempted to think otherwise.

Yeah – we also got reduced priced lunches at (public) school.  Is that next on his agenda?  Probably. 

I currently work two jobs.  One is a public service job in local public libraries… my dream job… a job I went to school for and am extremely grateful and excited to have.  It pays peanuts. For the first time in my life I’m union. 

I am also a woman.  Women are more apt to take service jobs that pay peanuts.  My second job is to ensure that I can have a little money left over after I pay my minimalist bills (no car, no cable, no internet, no credit cards) and buy groceries. 

Like Ryan, I know all about frugality.  I also know that losing a father in death is fairly rare in the modern America… and fairly difficult to process.  Like Ryan, I too have a father which art (not) in heaven.  Unlike Ryan, I have no desire to return to the corrupt, Victorian days of Charles Dickens’ England where whoring widows and street orphans abounded and public schools were barely heard of… where schools were run for profit by close-minded men and the bread of charity was doled out in exchange for conversion.  I’d like to think that somewhere in our parallel universes Ryan also read “David Copperfield” around the time of his father’s death….

No wait! If he had read Charles Dickens, he’d have likely turned into the bleeding heart, sob-story liberal that I am.  He read Ayn Rand.  Never the ‘Twain shall we meet. 

In the end, Paul Ryan is one of the most dangerous candidates the GOP has ever produced.  Unlike Romney, he BELIEVES in slashing of government resources under any and all circumstances.  Ryan is Romney’s way of sucking up to the men and women who glamorize the culture of Victorian times… who are unable to understand that we (women, children, workers, minorities) are much better off for having left those times behind us.

Paul Ryan’s world is not a world I want to live in.  I will not stand idly by and let Paul Ryan’s parallel universe become my world. 

Please help me stand strong against him.

Social Security Survivor Benefits

Last Gasps of 2012 Women's History Month

One for the Ages: Classy Female Submission to Jesus

I got a little weirded-out a week or so ago.  I rented the movie "Young Adult" because... Charlize Theron? Boredom? It was still officially Winter?  I can't remember.  Then the beginning credits informed me it was written by Diablo Cody.  And my weirded-out reaction morphed into the long-time-coming ode to Women's History Month... before it is April and we have to stop talking about Women for another 11 months starting on April Fool's Day.

If I had known Young Adult was written by Diablo Cody, I probably wouldn't have rented it.  I nearly had an allergic reaction to what's-that-movie's-name which Cody (Brook Busey) won a Screenwriting Oscar for back in... (thank god for google)... 2007.  It left such a bad taste in my mouth I haven't seen anything by her since.

Off to a good start with celebrating the achievements of women, huh?

Okay... so I more or less liked Young Adult... though the theme of women's worth ultimately revolving around ability and desire to procreate offends me. Afterwards, I ended up doing some old-fashioned web-surfing and discovered that Diablo Cody was raised Catholic.  I had a mini AHA! moment.

Then I had a mini WTF?! moment when I discovered her newest project.

It's about...

A fundamentalist young woman (hmmm) who grows up without a tv (check) and wearing skirts (only required for church & concerts) who loses her faith/has a crisis of faith (HHHmmmm) after she gets in an accident (wait a minute...?) ... okay... a plane accident that leaves her with major burn scars (car accident thankfully did not cause any burns!) and moves to Sin City/Vegas and .... ahem... finds her faith again? 

Okay.  I'll admit it:  It was a bit weird reading the synopsis for her upcoming movie after spending over four years feeding my rabid Hot4Jesus fans tidbits of my own former fundagelical life that I left behind soon after I moved to the big city and was in a car accident.

It makes it weirderer that Cody used to live and write in Minneapolis.  I used to appreciate her writing for the City Pages.  Yes, I thoroughly disliked Juno... but I appreciated Young Adult... and I appreciate that Cody sticks her neck out in a world that loves to pigeon-hole women.  My weirded-out moment subsided when I realized... probably tons of former fundie girls who grew up without a tv lost their faith in an accident. 

Purely coincidental!  

No really!  I mean it.

One thing I don't miss about my exFundagelical days is, believe it or not, believing that 'there is no such thing as a coincidence.'  It is mentally exhausting to be brought up in a culture that reads into patterns and number combinations and mundane events as Secret Signs of the Times and Coded Messages from the Spiritual Warfare Front.

(hmmmm.... sounds like some heathen hippies I know)

For a good year or so after my accident and deconversion, via habits of a lifetime, I read into things in a way that allowed me to be agnostic about the possibility of a Larger Consciousness/ SubConciousness/ Connectedness.  Thankfully it tapered off and I say Good Riddance!

There IS such a thing as coincidence and social milieus.  I'm not about to attempt to prove it, mathematically or such... but the world is small and the world is huge.  In the grand scheme of things, this blog is a cliche.  So be it.

So... I'm looking forward to Diablo Cody's Yet To Be Titled movie (Lamb of God apparently didn't make it pass the head-honchos).  She's directing it ... and goodness gracious, in this world we NEED more female directors in Hollywood... I don't care what they are directing.  I'm especially looking forward to it because, apparently, the young lady RETURNS to her faith... which is one thing I cannot imagine ever doing.
  
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In the meantime, I cannot highly enough recommend the movie "Higher Ground" directed by, and starring, Vera Farmiga.  CANNOT RECOMMEND IT HIGHLY ENOUGH!

Got that? Good. 

While writing this, I've discovered that it is based on the memoir "This Dark World" by Carolyn S. Briggs.  Many parts were too close for comfort... but done so beautifully and in such a trusting, honest manner that the flashbacks to my own first, second and third tastes of Belief as a child of the '70s, '80s and '90s were more cathartic than painful.

As usual, the hymns and gospel songs always hit me where it hurts and were the most difficult to hear... in part because I couldn't help but sing along.  Music causes some pretty intense and unwelcome flashbacks.  ARGHHH. How embarrassing.  So cool to be that chick who has hymn lyrics pop into her head ... while drinking beer.

And speaking of Coincidence... the turning point towards faith comes in the form of... a car accident.  I've long said, my accident was a catalyst.  Something like Newtons 1st Law of Motion.  No... maybe his second Law?  Hell... to be on the safe side, let's just say all Three Laws of Motion are relevant.

3. For every accident that sends a person away from faith, there is an accident that hurtles someone toward more extreme faith. 

1. A person will keep moseying along in their belief system until acted on by an external force.

2. ERGGG. Um. It takes more muscle to move a big stone the same distance and same speed as a little stone? Go ask Jesus about that one.


The movie was so good that it probably ruined the book for me.  Vera is a thinking woman's actress and I'm thankful that she had the intelligence and thespian guts to do this movie.  It's more than just about belief, but about outdated female roles that religion accentuates while the outside world claims to have moved past such sexist silliness.

As we are learning, slowly, I hope, the outside world has NOT moved past its silly sexist expectations and movies like this can hopefully be a good reminder why we DON'T want to go back to the way things were. It's always disturbing to see women not only live in, but promote outdated sexist rules and regulations... but this movie hopefully helps some outsiders of religion better understand that when you're in it... surrounded by it... believing it... immersed in it... that women like Michele Bachmann might make a little more sense.

The way the secular library becomes a safe haven for her awakening... Been There!  The accuracy of the clothes worn and the discussion about what women can wear... Yes! Perfect!... I still have some of my home-made dresses in my closet.  The awkward transition of the 1970s Hippie Jesus Movement into the stifling 1980s... Spot On!  The many, many, many moments of mixed messages given by men, from a woman's point of view... Pure Gold.... and unfortunately Too Accurate. Watch it!!!

There is a book and author I wanted to talk about in this post, but I'm even boring myself at this point.  I may have to talk about her in a month not designated to the Herstory of Women.  Are you okay with that?

(Not that I care what my minions think... mwhahahaha).

3rd Annual Minnesota Beard-Off: Beards, beards everywhere but barely a Jesus to wink at

We ex-fundagelicals sometimes have to force ourselves to NOT read into things… and to NOT take life too seriously.  In the spirit of trying really hard to NOT give a fuck about the fucked up state of the United States… this is a follow-up to the skin-deep post regarding Jesus-Hotness and Jesus-Beards from earlier this month. 

OR to put it bluntly… I attended the 3rd Annual Minnesota Beard-Off!

The 3^rd Annual Beard-Off was held at First Avenue in Minneapolis.  I haven’t been to the "Purple Rain" sound stage since the early 2000s, soon after I dumped Jesus. 

Quick Hot4Jesus Back-story: Ironically, the first time I visited the den of iniquity (First Avenue) was back in the late ‘90s… with a member of my JC Posse from southern Minnesota… one of those former fundamentalists who had survived some extreme Christian Fundamentalist bullshit yet, like me, still Very Much Believed (yes, a preacher’s son who still believed).  One way we JC Posse kids self-medicated our fundagelical pasts, while still being very active in the gospel-preaching circles, was to listen to “rock & roll,” jam in the basement between practicing worship-team songs… and go to concerts such as the HardCore, MegaRocker, BabyKilling Ben Folds Five. Or Sonia Dada.

Yes.  My first experience with 1^st Ave was with a preacher’s son at a Ben Folds Five show.  I secretly preferred thrasher and metal music, but that’s another story. 

Every time I set foot in or near First Avenue I think about those first trips to sweaty "rock" concerts in the heart of a Sinful City… which is also one reason why I don’t set foot in there too often.  It is a time machine.  Sometimes I don’t like visiting the past.

BUT I suffer for my art.

What got me back into First Avenue after years away? Jesus. Duh.

The 3^rd Annual Minnesota Beard-Off last night was the first time I’ve been there for a non-music related shin-dig.  No dancing.  No singing along to lyrics.  No head-banging.  Just a room brimming with male testosterone in a throw-down, shout-down contest for who had the best beard in Minnesota.

There were a ton of Distractions… none, except maybe one Distraction, that made it into the final round, imo.  That’s why it is so helpful to have a niche-blog hobby like Hot4Jesus that keeps my sights set on my Biblical Ideals.  There were well over a hundred male and female beards to peruse, but Jesus is the Only One for whom I have eyes.

And in a room full of competitive beards, only three are making it onto this blog… by name and description only. 

The Categories of beards fell into 1. Partial Beards 2. Mustaches 3. Freestyle Category (girls and dogs and other circus freaks) 4. Full Beards.

I'm resisting a strong temptation to talk about the Mustache Category.  The Full Beard Category is where all three of my Hot4Jesus contestants contested.

     1. Jordan OR Blonde-Nordic-esque Jesus.  At the beginning of the show, one of the judges inferred that sandals on a bearded guy might detract from the beard score.  Jordan wore sandals… proudly… and rightfully pointed out that ‘If sandals were good enough for Jesus, they are good enough for me (Jordan).’ 

Amen, Brother.  He was the first and ONLY contestant to reference our Dear Lord and Savior.  You might ask… how could a Beard contest go so long  into the final Full Beard category without a JC reference?!  Perhaps because Jordan also was the first contestant that could handle the Hot Jesus look. 

One thing blatantly clear to me last night was that in a room full of beards, you will be lucky to have the Jesus-Look represented. 

Lumberjacks? Plenty. 

ZZ Top? Yes. 

Left-Over Hippies? I’m afraid so. 

Sons of Left-Over Hippies? Yep.

Dead Presidents? Yes.

Santa Claus? Yes. 

Charles Dickens? Yes. 
Charles Dickens’ Characters? Too Many to Mention.

Steam-Punkers? Whatever.

Moses? Yes.

Bearded Ladies? Of Course.

Jesus?  It’s a look that a lot of guys either can’t pull off, or are afraid to pull off.

And after we (Jordan & Kyle & I) talked, they might freak out and shave immediately.  But life is too short for a girl to not creep out a guy every now and then with her Hot4Jesus schtick.

Jordan represented the Golden-Boy Jesus and did it well. He was a cross between our favorite H&M JesusMale-Model and Head of Christ painting by Ron Marsh.  Thanks Jordan for being such a great sport and for spreading the Sandaled Jesus Love!

2. Kyle OR Brunette Piercing-Eyes Jesus.  I don’t know what to tell you about Kyle, because, well, we barely know each other … only a first name basis… which can be kind of hot… but point being, when Kyle came on stage he reached up and unleashed his gorgeous brunette shoulder-length locks and… I fainted.

Just kidding.  I just screamed.  My vocal chords hate me today.

Funny Story: this is similar to what happens when I let loose my luxurious brunette locks. It's always a little embarrassing to see men faint and hear them scream.

Tall with great bone-structure, poise and longing-looks, Kyle represented the Jesus-look that makes you feel at peace AND sinful at the same time.  In other words… you feel at peace about sinning.

They say that God is a merciful God, but when Jesus looks like Kyle and Kyle looks like Jesus… that's not mercy.  That's just God being a tease.

What more can I say about Kyle?  Nothing.  Like I said… I don’t know him.  Congratulations on a Male-Model Bearded Jesus-look well-done!  It’s all in the eyes, and the hair, and the nice teeth.

Yes, Jesus had great teeth.

     3. Frank OR Charles Darwin-Look-Alike.  Frank is the only contestant mentioned here that I did not talk to directly.  He also earned the Crowd Favorite Award.  He wore a shirt with Darwin on it to help those Evolution-Challenged audience members make the connection between himself and Jesus’ greatest arch-nemesis.  He deserves to be mentioned here because of his Darwin-look… and because something he said when accepting his Crowd Favorite Award (as a long-lost-sorta-related-descendent) “… and remember Uncle Charlie.” 

Former fundagelicals here who grew up on Uncle Charlie’s Children’s Bible Hour… you know who I’m talking about.  I’m taking Frank’s acceptance speech out of context, but it can be our own little inside joke for those of us who would rather NOT remember Uncle Charlie. 

And I mentioned that Frank was the spitting image of evil-incarnate/Charles Darwin, right?

Right.

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Okay boys and girls.  I’ve had about enough beard talk as I can handle for one weekend.  I could critique the judge’s final selections until the cows come home, but instead, here’s a little secret: I’ve never “dated” a Jesus-look alike… nor do I have any desire to.  I’d make an exception for a red-headed Jesus … but only if he can hold a decent conversation.  And buy his own beer.

PICS of SOME of the Contestants (includes Darwin and one or two hunks not mentioned here... though plenty hunks are not represented) Twin Cities Metro Magazine: Minnesota Beard-Off at First Avenue .

For those of you craving more substance around here… great minds think alike.  Keep checking back.

swing batter batter swing: Game's On between Baby Jesus and Adult Bearded Jesus

I don't know shit about baseball... or any competitive sport for that matter.  I'm blissfully clueless about nonprofessional and professional sports.  However, I live in a city that has numerous professional sports teams that wreak havoc on the local taxpayers' pocket, a city that is debating whether or not to subsidize a new NFL stadium for the Vikings, arguing about how much money to sink into renovations for the NBA Timberwolves Target Center, and a city proud of the new outdoor Target Field for the MLB Twins. 

And though I don't want to give a shit about baseball, or other competitive national league sports, I sometimes have opinions that veer off into rants about how local public schools and other public institutions have to FIGHT to get shrinking funds and that teachers should be making CEO/professional sports players' salaries.  So I'm biased... as a musician's daughter and as a "teacher"... and as someone who usually only pays attention to sports to humor whomever I might be messing around with.

But it's spring... and at Hot4Jesus that means a number of things.  #1) Ya'll due some shallow, noncontroversial Jesus eye-candy.  I normally go the male model route, but for the first time on Hot4Jesus... the Jesus Look-Alike Eye Candy is represented by an athlete.  #2) We're headed into the beard-free season up north ... so there is the need for one last beard celebration before they all disappear.

So in my best jock-mocking voice (think a cross between Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger)... LET'S DO THIS!

First pic. I took this photo in a parking lot in downtown Minneapolis almost two years ago.  These clean-shaven, buff, young professional dudes in Twins gear were hanging out next to an open car trunk full of beer... and I spotted Our Lord's Name from half a block away and made a beeline for the groupies.  I told them I wanted/needed a picture of this guy's uniform... and also told them that I might post it online in a satirical blog about Jesus.  They all thought it was cool that I blogged satirically about Jesus.  Score 1 point for rebel jocks.  Though I didn't get names, the owner of the broad shoulders said it was totally fine if I posted this pic online.  It was the end of the season, and I forgot about it... until now. 

Baby Jesus' Minnesota Twins Jersey, circa 2010

Baby Jesus plays for the Minnesota Twins.  Since we have God on our side, maybe they'll win another World Series once Baby Jesus grows up to be a man. Lord knows it's been too long.

Second and third pics.  Jayson Werth.

Jesus chooses his bats based on how well they match his shades.

The Son of God scoffs at your suggestion that his head needs protection from your curve balls.

I know nothing about Jayson whatsoever other than his uniforms suggest he has played for the Philadelphia Phillies and the Washington Nationals.  Further close observation suggests that he totally pulls off the HotJesus bearded look... but also that he is of the genre of bearded men that look better with a beard than without a beard.  But let's not worry about his non-bearded look.  I wonder how people would feel about him treating baseball the way Tim Tebow treats football.  That would seriously mess with people's heads... if he tebowed every time he didn't strike out.

Finally... links for people interested in the topic of Beards. As a bit of a beard connoisseur myself, I mainly specialize in sexy beards of the Jesus flavor. If you're local, you need to check out an upcoming annual event for bearded men, and women, and bearded men lovers...  The Minnesota Beard-Off.  This year's Beard-Off falls on Saturday, March 24th at 1st Ave in Minneapolis.  I might be in the crowd... I might not.  From the looks of it I am (platonically) acquainted with a few of the past contestants.  I've meant to go both previous years... but this hooker too often works weekends.  Nevermind my social life.  Go if you can!!!  If you can't, here is a consolation beard blog for you : Build-A-Beard: scouting beards since 2009.  It's a no-brainer that I need to get on the panel of judges for next year's Minnesota Beard-Off.

Uff-da.

I don't know about you... but I feel I've done justice to the skin-deep winks at professional Jesus-look-alike athletes and Jesus-esque beards... enough so that I'll feel less guilty about future posts that wallow in the mud-wrestling pit of my favorite competitive sport... Misogynistic American Politics.