Hot-For-Jesus Former Fundie

PARENTS ACTION LEAGUE... because someone's got to stand up for persecuted Christian Conservatives

2012-01-20T16:44:00.000-06:00

Two written works have inspired meto open up a new cans of Hot4Jesus whoop-ass.... starting with an article buried in the Minneapolis Star Tribune. The other deserves a separate blog post.

It is luxuriousto have time to page through a newspaper over coffee without deadlinesand homework on my mind. Though I deliberately ignored the Bachmann/Perry/Cain/Gingrich/Santorum popularity contest these last few months, if you think the Christian Right is going to taper off with their losing politicians, you may need something a bit stronger than coffee to numb the pain.

Background: Anoka-Hennepin Public School District (Twin Cities suburb and in Michele Bachmann territory) has becomethe battleground between the LGBTQ community and Allies (count me in) versus conservativeparents who don’t like all the new rules and regulations that make bullying ofLGBTQ students a big No No. LGBTQ students sued the district because of how they were treated within the school… by both teachers and students. So Anoka-Hennepindecides to consider creating a formal policy stating the rights of LGBTQ studentsto not be denied protection from bigoted bullying. Two students (or up to four according to THIS Strib article) within the district who committed suicide recently havehad parents cite bullying about sexual orientation a factor leading to theirsuicides. Now the teachers who are accused of being homophobic conservative assholes are counter-suing.

More Background: Much of the Christian Right thinks depression is just a matter of not beingfully immersed in the glory and love and presence and forgiveness and beautyand awareness of Jesus Christ’s saving grace. Tons of adults within the Christian Right deny themselves and theirchildren mental health therapy or treatment based on the belief that theirdepression or anger or addiction is just a matter of the DarkSide (Satan andarmy) having more control over a person’s life than TheForce (HolyTrinity). So…

All this suck-it-upmentality about mental illness aside, of course the Christian Right isn’t goingto believe that homophobic bullying might lead to suicide among LGBTQ kids. They obviously just need to STRAIGHTEN Up and FlyRIGHT. They might point out…rightfully … that the pharmaceutical companies have an unethical grip on the ballsof people who already hurt, but don’t let them distract your attention fromwhat is really happening here: they are expanding the legal arena in which they can claim religiouspersecution.

Ironically... they like to have it both ways, depending on who is doing the talking. Parents Action League (PAL) still believes that homosexuality should be considered a mental disorder.

Just like this article is buried in my first rant ina digital coon's age … so it was buried in the Minneapolis Star Tribune : Q&A: Parent group raises school issues : The Parents Action League says policies in Anoka-Hennepin School District are unfair to students with conservative values. By Maria Elena Baca (Sunday, 1/15/2012Metro/Twin Cities+region)

Once upon a time… I was that conservative-valued student whofelt like an anomaly in a secular public school. With the lifelong message from pulpits, Christian radio and family (anumber of whom were public school teachers) that the secular public schoolswere out to create amoral citizens, I felt like I was part of a martyred minority. My public education was Very Good. I had many conservative, milquetoast and liberal teachers who inspired me tobecome a teacher myself. But I alsofaced moral dilemmas that made it seem unfair thatI couldn’t fully understand or participate in the secular school.

I never encountered outright bullying. I don’t want to speculate what was saidbehind my back… if anything… regarding my Christian/Conservative values. However, my blood reached the boiling point in anumber of classes taught by outright liberal teachers who made me feel like Iwas a stupid Christian hick. These were not messages necessarily directed at me. Nevertheless, I did know who my conservative allieswere and tried to support them when discussions veered off into socialist,amoral liberal love-fests. I tended tolet my Christian flag unfurl more in my writing. I rarely, if ever, encountered a liberalteacher who did anything but encourage me to write and think more.

There was enough conservative/Christian bashing,even from liberal Christians, that I often had liberal propaganda to discuss with my familyover dinner. I learned a lot in thosekitchen and late night conversations about how to filter out the liberalfree-for-all from the Good Stuff. ThoughI was the family hippie and a closet liberal/progressive, I was quite ableto get bent out of shape and fume within class discussions. I notonly knew which side my bread was buttered on, but I also had a thing for moralindignation that is a lifelong blessing/curse. I kind of enjoyed getting steamed up about liberal teachers’politics, comments and lectures. It allfit into the picture of persecution that I had been taught from day one. Now I get a kick out of conservatives whobelittle victims and victim-mentality while playing The Victim like a professional.

I survived public school… and am a mega-huge-advocate for free pluralistic public education… but I do know many adults felt like that had toreprogram their children after school. While there have been various parental coalitions that work to ensureconservative-valued students are not persecuted, this new wave means business…in part because they have more financial backing than ever before.

And please, don’t get me wrong. Christian/Conservatives ARE bullied anddemeaned and mocked within public schools everyday… by their peers and by theirteachers. The problem is when Christian conservativestudents feel like they have fewer rights and specific policies in their favorthan LGBTQ students who can’t quite accept that they are living in Sin. The persecution and martyrdom buttons getpushed… buttons that have been primed and cherished their whole life. So… here we have an official organization (Parents Action League) dedicated to making sure their part of the persecution pool isnot spoiled by someone else’s (LGBTQ/feminists/Muslims/Buddhists/African-American/NativeAmerican/Atheists… etc) legitimate concerns of being bullied to death bychildren and adults programmed to demonize the LGBTQ (et. al) community. Or in other words... even hate speech is protected free speech :)

Christians have been persecuted from day one. So have Conservatives and so have Liberalsand the Middle feels torn in both directions. But when a “fringe” element that threatensthe very basic tenets of Christianity starts saying, 'We’re not going to put upwith this shit anymore'… all hell breaks loose.

Conservative Christians know they are fighting a losing battle… but theyhave been commanded to fight, and die, in order to set the recordstraight. It is nearly impossible toargue with such a huge belief system… but the LGBTQ community is just one moreto add to the already dangerous arguments from feminists and other secular/progressivecivil rights causes. When you corner agroup of Christian martyrs, don’t expect anything less than Conservative ChristianRights claws coming out.

In the Q&A article that I want you to read on your own, LaurieThompson says, “An unspoken reality about public education today is that neitherconservative students nor conservative teachers nor conservative administratorsfeel the same freedom to express their beliefs and feelings that liberalstudents, teachers and administrators do. Even if both policies [Sexual Orientation Curriculum Policy & Bullying Prohibition Policy] were eliminated, it would only be liberal teachers who would voicetheir philosophical, political and moral views on homosexuality in theclass. The left has successfully andspeciously conflated bullying, bigotry and hatred with conservative moralpropositions and in so doing, they’re able to impose both formal and de factocensorship in public schools.”

She has a point. Though I’m now a raging feminist liberal atheist, I’m not going to pretend that Christian,and Muslim, conservative students don’t feel like they are would be better off,socially and legally, if they just kept their mouths shut in certain publicschool classes. Things can and do getugly… and it can Hurt when defending one’s faith is met with outrightridicule. Same with conservativeteachers in public schools. The answeris not to force these students and teachers out into private Christian schools or to support religious school vouchers. But I’m not going to pretend that progressives should expand theirtolerance to the point of allowing and embracing Conservative Christian civil “rights”... or be overly open to religious beliefs that hurt more than help… because frankly, many of the students who feel persecuted by liberals havebeen brainwashed from day one to believe they will be persecuted andtested until their dying day.

Is the answer to create separate public school policiestailored to protect LGBTQ students from harassment? Maybe. Maybe not. For every policyspecifically protecting the rights and safety of non-straight students expectthat there will be an attempt… and sometimes successes… at amendments that giveConservative Christians the Right to say LGBTQ students, and feminists, andMuslims, have hardened their hearts, are living in sin, are brainwashed by theliberal media, and will have to explain their willful choices someday at thefoot of Christ’s nail-torn feet.

Did I already say Free Speech is a Biatch?

I sang a lot of solos back in public high school. Every one of them became a moral dilemma of toWhom did this song bring glory… me, or Christ, or the DarkSide? I justified all my decisions from “Summertime”and “The Christmas Song/Chestnuts roasting on an open fire” to “Ave Maria” and “PietaSignore”… after a lot of prayer and as an attempt to encourage otherbelievers. My senior year I turned downa lead part in a musical that I could not justify, an unmarried, pregnantcharacter, because it glorified sex outside of marriage. I was a little pissed at God for offering mesuch an awesome lead role as “a test.” But I passed. He “rewarded” me with post-college lead roles that I was able to justify by,looking back, completely whacked-out apologetic philosophies.

And until we figure out how to protect people proud to beBorn-This-Way while not making Christian conservative kids feel likepersecuted, lame losers… rest assured that these Christian conservative kidswill likely one day look back and laugh at themselves. In the meantime Christian conservative kids will learnthe language of passing the tests through persecution that the secular world throws at them. Their faith will either strengthen or weakenas a result of these tests… but don’t let their parents and preachers gain theright to preach and petrify in the public school classrooms.

Please.

Diagramming the Religious Nerd Since 2007: John Calvin is a Dork

2011-10-25T09:49:00.000-05:00

Looking for in-depth analysis of life before, during and after JC and company? This video will answer many of your burning questions while I continue to play library student nerd. (Is there anything nerdier than studying libraries and information technology? hmmm... If there is, I'd like to hear about it.)

If we're lucky, this video will open the floodgates of controversy and everyone who sees it will want to respond to the following questions:

Is it fair to compare religious people with WoW, Star Wars and RenFest nerds?
Is lack of pre-marital sex a common theme among all nerds, secular or religious?
Why do you think there are so many dislikes to the video:

(a) It isn't that well done.
(b) It makes fun of religion and everyone likes to thumb down that topic.
(c) It's too well done.
(d) There aren't enough RenFest babes portrayed as examples.
(e) There aren't enough Christian babes portrayed as examples.

4. Would we be better served if we could narrow down the religious enthusiast into a category? (see above).

Back to cramming my brain about the Reformation, Counter-Reformation and Censorship. And a side note to the religious nerds out there: John Calvin seriously pisses me off... even though he's been dead for 447 years. How much is Calvin still to blame for either/and/or the Prosperity Doctrine or the Austerity Doctrine?

Discuss.

Jesus Rode the Bus With Me: Richard Hook & the Art of Indoctrination

2011-07-11T12:56:00.006-05:00

Last night on the bus, a young lady got on after me carrying a large framed painting of Jesus surrounded by children.

A little boy asked his mother, "Is that God?"

Mom : Yes.

Little Boy: Did he die or did he pass away?

Mom : Yes. It's the same thing.

Me: waiting for it, waiting for it, waiting for it... Mom! You forgot to add that JesusGod is ALIVE because he rose from the dead on the third day, conquered death and payed for the sins of the world so little boys and girls can hang out with JesusGod after they die... And Jesus is NOT God! He is but he isn't but he isn't who he is! Nevermind.

The Plan of Salvation played only in my head... Thank JesusGod. I'm actually relieved that the mother let the subject drop... regardless of whether she missed an opportunity to provide Eternal Life to her son.

Back to the Picture!

Let the Children Come Unto Me OR Jesus & Children of the World by Richard Hook (detail)

The picture was so big that I could decipher the artist's signature in the corner: R. Hook. I googled it and discovered the name of the artist and his wife that have graced this blog at least 3 other times.

Finally! Behold... The most endearing kitsch Jesus artist of the 1960s & 1970s!

Christ at Prayer by Richard Hook can be found in my 2007 post on Matthew Murray, Dead Serious... the kid who shot up a church in Colorado... very likely after trying to get OUT of a fundagelical family and church community. I'd seen this picture out and about for ages. Glad to finally attach the artist to the sentiment.
Head of Christ by Richard Hook. THE original Hot For Jesus inspiration for this blog and can be found in Jesus Statue Beheaded in 'Sconi: I DIDN'T DO IT! (08/09). The plaque I have didn't have any information about the artist... so I'm quite excited to give Hook credit. Yes... I'm a total dork.
Jesus/Christ with Children by Frances Hook. This has got to be one of my favorite paintings of Jesus EVER! No... seriously. We had a book with this illustration in it, and I spent hours gazing at this Jesus... mesmerized by the way he gazed at the little girl... and I would insert myself into the picture. I saw myself as that little girl he's holding. I know it sounds creepy, but that's beside the point. The Art of Indoctrination worked on me. Big Time. Frances Hook's painting accompanies the long awaited, and difficult to write, post attempting to describe MY SALVATION, Part II : A Certain Slant of Light (12/10).

The Art of Indoctrination isn't all bad. For instance, the painting on the bus reiterated the children's Bible School song "Jesus loves the little children... ALL the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world!"

Raise your hand if you don't know which song I'm talking about.

I'm pretty sure knowing or not knowing the song does not excuse either of us from taking racism very seriously... or childhood indoctrination that replaces non-Christian gods with Christian JesusGod.

But yes. Jesus does love little children. He loves to get them while they're young. The love in his gaze, to me as a child, was akin to nirvana. And if he didn't get you while you're young... you can still be born-again and become a child of Christ.

I truly enjoy this kitschy Jesus art of my childhood. This is probably not the last you'll hear about the Hooks. I'm glad to have found the artists responsible for helping Jesus' face shine down upon me.

Jesus & Children of the World (Full View)

Michele Bachmann Signs Her Soul Away, and America's Children, to The Family Leader

2011-07-08T09:56:00.006-05:00

Michele Bachmann recently signed a pledge written by The Family Leader that says she promises, as a politician, to fight abortion, homosexuality, pornography, Islam, small families, divorce and adultery. Please read the original PDF document for yourself (thanks to MinnesotaIndependent for the link!)

The Irony in this document is so out of control you'd almost think Michele Bachmann was the founding member of Minnesota Hipsterdom. She's following in the footsteps of fellow Minnesotan Tim Pawlenty... signing her soul away to pledges that have harmed our state and will harm the nation if either gain any more power.

Let's look at the discrepancies in the document. On the 3rd page under The Candidate Vow, among all sorts of promises to not have sex outside of marriage, to support only certain kind of judges, there is language that I as a woman NEED to address... and as a girl who grew up in an environment that would have supported much of what this document calls for.

(8 bullet points proceed the following and two follow)
Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy... from human trafficking, sexual slavery, seduction into promiscuity and all forms of pornography and prostitution, infanticide, abortion and other types of coercion or stolen innocence.
(skipping the one on the military)
Rejection of Sharia Islam and all other anti-woman, anti-human rights forms of totalitarian control.
Recognition that robust childbearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.

Readers: I know you are smart enough to see the hypocrisy and inconsistencies for yourself. While we wait for Bachmann to implode (I've been waiting since 2006) I encourage you to take this pledge seriously. Yet Michele Bachmann is probably the least of our worries here. The fact that this document exists is evidence of a much bigger problem.

I've upped the font to draw attention to the parts that especially concern me. "Robust childbearing and reproduction" is code for the likes of the Quiverfull Movement. I was part of a Quiver... a ridiculously large family... before Quivers were cool. Having many, many children is all fine and dandy if the woman wants this. But in this context it is a form of COERCION as a result of legalistic, Biblical brainwashing. Many women's bodies and minds suffer physical, emotional and spiritual abuse as a result of "robust childbearing." Within the context of this document, "The Family Leaders" appear to be blind to the irony that they are more concerned about the economic health of the U.S. by way of "robust childbearing" than the health of the woman... and that this is a form of ANTI-WOMAN TOTALITARIAN CONTROL.

The "stolen innocence" reference is a reminder of how much importance the Religious Right places on virginity... especially the virginity of girls. Check out the recent Bristol Palin interview on The View... if you have the stomach.

Virginity is overrated.

It is important that children and young adults learn healthy, happy, safe boundaries about sex ... boundaries that don't inflate the value of their virginity, but instead their ability to expect respect when they say yes or no to sex. If a person chooses to save sex for their wedding night... more power to them. However, the idea that virginity is so valuable and can affect one's worth is an unhealthy patriarchal double standard, an archaic concept that needs to be replaced with actual PRO-WOMAN alternatives.

Be careful what you wish for Michele. It would not take much for them to amend this document to Rightfully include language that forbids women from being in political office. If Bachmann's conservative theocracy wet-dream were to come true, she'd be sent back to the kitchen to make jam and help rear the many grandchildren her children will spawn.

Some of the buzz suggests that this will be Michele's undoing. If it is... I'll owe you a beer. Heck, let's make it a kegger... but until she drops out of the race, as her Hot4Jesus arch-nemesis, I'm afraid I'm contractually required to take her, and the people who support her, deadly serious. There are too many women and girls under the thumb of Evangelical Fundamentalism who are dying to support a strong female leader, ala OT Deborah, that Bachmann will keep going until some significant breakthroughs are made to encourage women and girls to own their own bodies and minds.

And that also is a call to continue the dialogue about sexism within the atheist and skeptics movements.

Need to read more about Bachmann and Women in Politics? There will be more to come, but until then:

Family Values, My Ass: The Inevitable EVOLUTION of the Role of Evangelical Women in Politics (8/31/08)

Michele Bachmann & I : "Changing the World Through Hot People" (11/7/10)

Sex & the Single, Never-Married Evangelical Woman (04/18/11)

MAX ROGERS: May I please have a side of brains with those curly locks, Jesus?

2011-06-11T12:13:00.004-05:00

Praise the Lord! I would be remiss to keep this morning devotional all to myself. I woke up this morning... to Max Rogers on my tumblr USER dashboard.

Would I buy that Paul Bunyan plaid right off his body?

You betcha!

What do you think the chances are that he has two brain cells to rub together in that pretty little head of his? When a girl hangs out with Jesus for so long - her expectations of male beauty combined with brains is sometimes kind of hard to live up to.

Sucks to be you... :)
Sucks to be me...

Speaking of sucking, this male model Jesus look-alike with the swimmer's physique can suck on my bottom lip while I suck on his top lip any day of the week.

(Both pictures found HERE - originally shot for GQ Style by Arnaldo Anaya-Lucca. )

Need a Fix? Hot4Jesus Withdrawal Remedies

2011-06-06T13:47:00.002-05:00

Going through Hot4Jesus withdrawal? Ask yourself, “Do I really need sexy Jesus pics in my life?” If your answer is yes, rest your eyes upon this handsome fellow. Kind of like the Honey Badger, this Jesus just doesn't give a shit. Irresistible, eh?!

Going through Fundagelical withdrawal? It’s not as if the American Taliban isn’t working overtime to keep Family Values Intact and force us all down on our knees. There are quite a few other positions more comfortable than hanging out on your knees, but if you need a fix from that crowd – hang out at the Faith & Freedom Coalition. Everyone who’s anyone in Christian Politics got up and gave a Jesus speech last weekend. Should keep you entertained for quite some time.

Going through an Xtine withdrawal? Come hang out on my other blog for a while: teandoranges. I’ve committed to 30 Days of Reading and will be blogging and tweeting about the books I read through the month of June and over the summer. My theme is a Summer of Censored, Challenged and Banned Books… books and authors I’ve never read, thanks to the American Taliban back in the day – back when it didn’t have quite so much money to grease the wheels as they do now : Summer 2011: Reading the Good (Banned, Challenged & Censored) Stuff.

Going through religious satire withdrawal? Check out this article in the Onion “Church Cancelled Due to Lack of God.” Then read my ode to the Onion in response to one of many End of the World wet-dreams: Local Girl Seriously Pissed Off That End Of The World Falls On Her Birthday, 2012 .

I’ll be back here to bitch about fundagelicals or to moan about Jesuses worth moaning over. In the meantime, know that I have not forgotten you, nor have I forsaken you.

Bonus points if you sign up to follow my Jesus-free blog, teandoranges … like Tai at Oh, my soul hole does. Hot4Jesus Bonus points can be cashed in for free beer after the next Rapture.

(suckers...)

Attn: Michele Bachmann -- Taxes / Holocaust. NOT the Same Difference!

2011-05-02T00:07:00.007-05:00

For all people who find this blog by searching for "michele bachmann sexy" (fyi-LOTS of people stumble through here with drool dedicated to Bachmann)... I have some sad news for you: Michele Bachmann is no longer sexy!

The following scenario should be reason to remove her from public life entirely... and be reason to ruin your hard-on for her.

Michele Bachmann invoked the Holocaust as a comparison tool regarding taxes. I have a pretty high tolerance for her fundamentalist craziness. But - this?! Nope.

All her "sexy" cred just took a nose dive. Anyone who finds this blog with the search "hot/sexy michele bachmann" after this Holocaust/Taxes comparison - good riddance!

If I have to explain how this analogy is totally SICK - good gawd. Not going to spell it out.

Taxes.

Holocaust.

Oo... ooo. ooo I get it! Both start with Consonants!!

Jesus Fucking Christ, Michele. You make this archnemesis job too easy. Unfortunately I'm not in the mood to spin this for anyone's benefit. Give me a week.

Bachmann: young workers will ask about loss of economic liberty like she asked about Holocaust - Uses Holocaust to illustrate tax point| StarTribune 4/30/11

UPDATE 6/28/11: Still waiting on an formal apology...

THE BIBLE & BUNNIES: Fun with Leviticus 11:6

2011-04-24T12:15:00.000-05:00

This Bunny & Pig Interaction is Illegal in All States Below the Mason-Dixon Line

No need to bore you with rehashing the Christian hijacking of yet another pagan HolyDay. I have to give a shout-out to Seventh-Day Adventists in that regard. They don't celebrate ANYTHING, including birthdays, (at least the Adventists I knew) and are so fundamentalist that my conglomeration of evangelical, charismatic and fundamentalist church history nearly pales in comparison. While my family tended to avoid secularization of religious holidays, we did so in part because the secularization exposed the HolyDays for what they really were: pagan, heathen and a slippery slope.

I'm surrounded by aging Mainline Protestant churches that turn my Sundays and HolyDays into Who's-Got-the-Bigger-Bell Competitions. They also make a Big Deal about Easter. In contrast, for most of my church upbringing, the story of Jesus rising from the dead showed up in pretty much every sermon - so Easter was a bit Ho-Hummish for Born-Againers. Yep - Mainline Protestant churches are kind of desperate - but that's another story.

Time to get down to business... about The Bible and Bunnies. Time to get churched on Leviticus Chapter 11 and food. (Speaking of which - am I the only one who totally gets a kick out of how Christians LOVE to roll out the Ham for Holy Day dinners? It's so In-Your-Face to their Jewish roots. What a bunch of Rebels!)

Leviticus 11:6-7

"Nevertheless, you are not to eat of these, among those which chew cud, or among those which divide the hoof: .... the camel (4)... the rock badger (5)... (6)the rabbit also, for though it chews cud, it does not divide the hoof, it is unclean to you... (7)and the pig...." yadayadayada

You atheists who get so caught up on the OT - please put aside your need to get too hung up on the OT laws that Jesus eradicated with his Sacrifice and conquering of Death. But -all's fair in love and war with... The Bunny.

Behold the words of sassy-pants, femi-nazi Barbara G. Walker from "The Woman's Dictionary of Symbols & Sacred Objects":

"The hare was a subject of much controversy among fundamentalists and Bible critics of the nineteenth century, when it was noticed that among the Bible's numerous errors was the assertion that the hare is a cud-chewing animal (Leviticus 11:6). The ancients may have assumed this from the hare's habit of rapidly twitching its nose, which may have been mistake for chewing. At any rate, this and other false statements were cited to refute the doctrine of biblical inerrancy, which the more hidebound religious authorities still maintain. Pope Leo XIII's encyclical Providentissimus Deus forbade any admission of erroneous biblical statements. The church's Dogmatic Constitution of 1965 again proclaimed God the author of the Bible and all biblical statements "accurate, true, and without errors." In defiance of the church's ruling, however, hares persist in not chewing cuds." (377)

Now - any Christian worth their weight in gold has at least 2 or 3 apologetic responses to this dilemma... one of course being that the Bible is the Inspired word of God subject to the imperfection of human scribes... But I found a real deusy worth sharing regarding The Bible and The Bunny: Do rabbits chew their cud? The Bible beats the sceptics (again)...

"However, the Hebrew phrase for ‘chew the cud’ simply means ‘raising up what has been swallowed’. Coneys and rabbits go through such similar motions to ruminants that Linnaeus, the father of modern classification (and a creationist), at first classified them as ruminants. Also, rabbits and hares practise refection, which is essentially the same principle as rumination, and does indeed ‘raise up what has been swallowed’. The food goes right through the rabbit and is passed out as a special type of dropping. These are re-eaten, and can now nourish the rabbit as they have already been partly digested.

It is not an error of Scripture that ‘chewing the cud’ now has a more restrictive meaning than it did in Moses’ day. Indeed, rabbits and hares do ‘chew the cud’ in an even more specific sense. Once again, the Bible is right and the sceptics are wrong."

TAKE THAT HEATHENS!

I don't really have anything more to add -other than Jesus Is Winning!!! (because bunnies eat their #2s).

Put This Awesomeness on a Shirt and Wear it- Sold Here!

Sex & the Single, Never-Married Evangelical Woman

2011-04-18T11:11:00.009-05:00

I have a thing for reading surveys, polls and studies... the original findings before the media filters them.... so I encourage you to go straight to the April 2011 report put out by the Guttmacher Institute - Countering Conventional Wisdom: New Evidence on Religion and Contraceptive Use. Thanks to the Minnesota Independent for bringing this to my attention!

The report describes details gleaned from "data from the 2006–2008 National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG)." It shows women who consider themselves religious - whether Catholic, Mainline Protestant, Evangelical or Other - use contraceptives. I don't think many religious women read my blog - so it is kind of hard to shake them and ask them to find their voices and turn their backs on hypocrisy when it comes to using contraception.

The report shows that the more a woman or girl claimed to go to church, the less likely they would be to have ever been sexually active. But it also shows that 75% of NEVER MARRIED young women ages 20-24 who claim the label of Evangelical have been sexually active at some point.

Just for the record - I would have been in the minority there. I was not keen on the idea of hypocrisy - and believed the common Evangelical Fundamentalist claim that The Pill is a form of abortion. I didn't want kids. I abstained - hard-core - enough to put straight-edge punk rockers to shame. Pure-as-the-driven-snow was my middle name. (See Disclaimer at end of Post)

My theory on why Evangelicals are more likely to choose sterilization? Because they might be more likely to believe hormonal birth control like The Pill is a form of abortion. If you read the report you'll notice that not only do Evangelicals have the highest rate of sterilization, but also the lowest rate of hormonal birth control usage. As the report mentions, Evangelicals have no epicenter like Rome that tells them to procreate at all costs - so they may be less afraid to get their tubes tied and snipped. These women are choosing birth control. But they are also choosing abortions (not a part of this report).

If you have any questions on how badly some Christian women DON'T want to get pregnant the first time, or again and again and again... you really need to spend more time hanging out with the Quiverfull survivors at No Longer Quivering. Evangelical fundamentalist women love their children just like any other group - but the ones who have made it out of the more extreme versions are also vocal about the toll on their bodies, the toll on their souls, the toll on their minds. I don't think we'd have to dig far to find support for birth control/family planning options that allows these women to put a barrier between them and the biblical command to submit to their husbands.

As a product of a Quiver before Quivers were cool, I can assure you - if anything is a gift from the Goddess - contraceptives are.

The survey gave the women a choice of responding to the frequency of their church attendance: never, less than once a month, monthly, or weekly. They don't give the choice of two, three or more times per week... such as was the case of the likes of me. Thrice a week was totally normal church attendance.

How many of these women consider themselves fundamentalist? A fundamentalist vein runs through more than just Evangelicalism- but also Catholicism and even among Lutherans/Mainline Protestants. I don't spend enough time here clarifying religious jargon - and the semantics matter on words like Evangelical, Mainline Protestants, Catholics, Fundamentalists and Evangelical Fundamentalists - especially when interpreting surveys. It appears "fundamentalists", "born-again", "evangelical" responses were all included under Evangelical.

But that's all the time I have today... even going to skip the pretty pictures in hope that you instead head over to the Report, read it for yourself, and Pass It On!
______________________________________
*Disclaimer for Complainers: I am sex-positive in that I do not believe anyone should feel guilty about healthy, consensual sex whether married or unmarried. I never quite understood the shame piled on sex by religion and I do not condone shaming anyone for healthy, consensual sex - with or without marriage vows. One of the biggest things patriarchal religions have going for them is the Fear and Shame surrounding sex - especially Female Sexuality. People who can leave behind the idea of Male God-sanctioned sex are moving in the right direction - and more power to them!

THE BIBLE: For Men. By Men.

2011-04-12T11:44:00.003-05:00

FINALLY, someone gets it Right. And he reminds us that he doesn't care what anyone says about him as long as the Word of God is spoken. Classic.

Beware! The Holy Spirit just laid an egg in your brain! Or should I say - impregnated your brain. Maybe both! Schaap never clarified what sexual organs the Holy Spirit is working with.

I have better things to do than analyze this sermon tidbit and rehash my past - but I do want to give a shout-out to former fundie, current progressive Christian Matthew Paul Turner of Jesus Needs New PR for bringing this to my attention via his tweets/blog. I look forward to the day when churches run by the likes of Schaap are 100% female-free. It will make it much harder for them to procreate and pass on this Message.

Women and girls in the Stockholm Syndrome death grip of evangelical and fundamentalist churches - it is okay to leave! You are never far from my heart.

FY 2011 Budget Quickie - No Cuts to Faith-Based Partnerships - FYI

2011-04-07T13:42:00.004-05:00

Yep - I just spent about two hours using the skillz I learned in library class last semester to hunt down language in the FY 2011 Budget Bill of the 112 Congress that would point to any reductions or termination of funds dedicated to Faith-Based Initiatives - officially - anything referencing the Office of Faith-based and Neighborhood Partnerships (OFBNP).

NADA.

Why should I care? Faith-based Initiatives and the OFBNP are my specialty around here. They are my baby - I watch them like a hawk. It's a dirty job, but...

Why should you care? It's just one tiny little hypocrisy of politicians in general - and this particular Republican/Tea Party endorsed Budget Bill in particular. They don't seem to have a problem with Federal Money - taxpayer dollars - going to fund Church programs.

Why should Christians care? When the Federal Government gives money to an organization - the Federal Government gets to call the shots. Eventually we might have a President who demands that all people hired to implement these Faith-based Initiatives are not turned down a job based on sexual orientation. Some churches are totally cool with that (kudos to them! - check out this Center for Public Justice article - i have faith that some of these evangelicals would hire from the LGBTQ pool). On the other hand, some churches might find it very difficult to ween themselves off of Uncle Sam's teet after taking taxpayer money to fund programs that demonize non-Christian, non-straight, single mother female prisoners - for example. Which type of Christian are you? Are you okay with federal money going to Islamic, Hindu and Native American religious organizations? Where are your lines with the OFBNP?

Why are you bumming me out? - I have the cure for those of you asking this question. View yesterday's post on Jesus and Islam - er - Cat Stevens. I'll start zoning out to American Idol with you when they discover sexy Jesus REAL talent like that.

The Christian-Right created a monster - ME - someone who views political drama like the Super Bowl. And I vote.

PLEASE correct and publicly embarrass me if I missed out on language cutting FBO$$$. Also - this does NOT refer to the FY 2012 budget - just the 2011.

What Do Jesus and Islam Have In Common? Cat & This Song...

2011-04-06T21:49:00.006-05:00

Cat Steven's/Islam Yusuf's religious heritage reads like a bodice ripper: Father - Greek Orthodox; Mother - Swedish Lutheran ; School - Catholic ; Hippie Phase - Buddhism; Born-Again - Muslim. I'll always think of him as a Buddhist... and as an extremely sexy Jesus look-alike who probably was a really good kisser.

Before his most recent conversion to Islam, Cat wrote this song as Jesus - and dedicated it to girls like me who left Jesus for the Wild World - or so I like to imagine. The way He tosses His curly locks out of the way throughout the song - I can't remember why I left Him.

(Not the best YouTube recording - but the Hottest - which is our primary concern around here.)
Cat was one of the singer-songwriters who wrote my belated hippie secular-esque soundtrack during college. None of the others who made it onto my mixed tapes will probably ever make it onto this blog - so enjoy. And sing along. Or not. He's come out recently as a homophobe - so I wonder what my chances would have been for making out on a couch with him in the first place.

His recent silliness is not going to stop me from counting "Harold & Maud" as my all time favorite movie... Or from admitting that yes - it made me very confused that I was attracted to old album cover photos of a guy who looked like Jesus... again.

Thanks - S.A. :) - if you see this - I really, really mean it! Really!

And Thanks last.fm - for an amazing Cat Gallery!

PS - I am very aware of how God's Ordained Politicians are making life miserable and entertaining - hence the need for a little zenning out...

"The Bigot's Creed" by Anonymous - For ALL of Us in the USA

2011-03-28T14:05:00.001-05:00

Believe as I believe -- no more, no less :
That I am right, and no one else, confess ;
Feel as I feel, think only as I think,
Eat what I eat, and drink but what I drink
Look as I look, do always as I do ;
And then, and only then, I'll fellowship with you.

That I am right, and always right, I know,
Because my own convictions tell me so ;
And to be right is simply this : to be
Entirely and in all respects like me.
To deviate a jot, or to begin
To question, doubt, or hesitate, is sin.

Let sink the drowning man, if he'll not swim
Upon the plank that I throw out to him ;
Let starve the famishing, if he'll not eat
My kind and quantity of bread and meat ;
Let freeze the naked, too, if he'll not be
Supplied with garments such as made for me.

'Twere better that the sick should die than live
Unless they take the medicine I give.
'Twere better that sinners perish than refuse
To be conformed to my particular views ;
'Twere better that the world stood still than move
In any other way than that which I approve.

-Anonymous-

Citation:

Blakely, William Addison. American State Papers Bearing On Sunday Legislation: Legislative, Executive, Judicial. Rev. and enl. ed. New York: Da Capo Press, 1970. Print. (page 165 - originally published in 1890/1911 - also scanned by Google Books)

I'm still looking for the original publication of this poem which I found in my library. This poem is as much a reminder for me - as it is for you. We need all the reminders we can get around here these days... I HIGHLY recommend the book American State Papers Bearing On Sunday Legislation for anyone remotely interested in digging into how the Founding Fathers REALLY felt about church-state questions. The book is mostly original documents and correspondence with footnoted commentary... where the poem resides on page 165. Pass it on.

o mon dieu, Brad Kroenig!

2011-03-07T10:57:00.000-06:00

Je t'aime!
(found here)

Je j'adore!
(found here)

Praise Jesus, and pass the hair gel!

Women in Prison Protest Sexist, Homophobic Faith-Based Initiative: Pass It On!!

2011-03-04T11:22:00.004-06:00

It’s Women’s History Month. I am begging you to read the linked story and pass it on. Please and Thank You!

Former Chaplain at Shakopee women's prison settles with state over firing (3/3/11 Pioneer Press @TwinCities.com)

My Analysis:

A female prison chaplain, Kristine Holmgren, who worked with women in a Minnesota prison (Shakopee), sued the prison for firing her one day before she was due to not be fired without any cause. She claims they were upset about her protests of solidarity with the inmates against faith-based initiatives that the women saw as homophobic and sexist and demeaning. So – yeah – she was standing up for the women she ministered to who didn’t want evangelical Christianity shoved down their throats.

InnerChange Freedom Initiative, based in evangelical Christianity, is traced to reducing recidivism (in Texas). Reminds me of Minnesota’s TeenChallenge – the FBO darling of politicians that scares the bejesus out of kids on drugs – teaches them Assembly of God style Hell that keeps them straight and narrow. So I don’t doubt that this Women’s Prison ministry might keep women from re-offending (in Texas).

However, the women prisoners who are against this program are being ignored. Kristine Holmgren, though she settled the suit about the firing, is not willing to let this go… giving a voice to women in prison. These women don’t like “how some of the volunteers were framing alcoholism, lesbianism and out-of-wedlock childbearing as sins.” If you have the stomach – read how Kristine’s explanation of women prisoners angry about the subordination to men message is poo-pooed by a head honcho of the Initiative (Cox). Kristine also explains that ‘“Pride is not a sin for most women. Women need more pride. Standing up for yourself should not be a sin”’

African Woman Kneeling in Prayer by David Claypool Johnston

Damned straight. The fact that Holmgren has passed on these complaints about the so-called "sins" of pride, homosexuality, alcoholism, and marriage-free childbearing strongly suggests that the attempts by supporters (Cox) to argue how certain passages about female submission are actually examples of creating equality/"mutual respect" for women in the early church – is an example of the program trying to spin their theology in a modern light to draw attention away from the other sins they are committing.

What sickens me even more is that by claiming that the passages they are preaching about female submission are mutually expected of men shows how flawed Christianity is – that it will spin and spin and spin to keep the money flowing. As a former fundie steeped in the evils of cherry-picking, I have to say - I'm not impressed. What sickens me even more than the spin, is how Cox is demeaning the women who are upset about the subordination of women Bible passages. Basically he’s saying – Kristine Holmgren and all the women complaining about this program aren’t smart enough to conduct the thorough exegesis/spin as well as he does.

So these women are taking passages of the Bible too literally? Talk about a slippery slope, Cox...

I don’t think Kristine is that stupid. She wouldn’t be playing this chaplain role if she hadn’t thoroughly vetted all sexist drama in the Bible. She’s pointing out that these women have been offended by the message being shoved in their face – and they have every right to be.

Exegesis this. ..|,

Gloria Steinem & Dorothy Pitman Hughes

Show your solidarity. Pass it on.

Thank YOU! to the Women's Prison Book Project for passing this on! Those of you who don't know about the project - now you do. Help them - if you can.

The Jesus Matrix: Google Is Watching You

2011-01-20T13:30:00.005-06:00

Full Disclosure Time: I'm able to keep tabs on what keywords bring people to this site. This won't be news to other bloggers - because we all have this capability. But the general public is pretty naive about these things. So here goes...

Last semester, fellow library student Brian dug into the newer search engine of DuckDuckGo. After using it for a while, he started preaching its virtues and if I had access to last semester's discussion boards I'd tell you what they are. Long story short - DuckDuckGo.com is an attractive alternative internet search engine to Google.

Wired magazine recently featured an article about DDG and its sole founder/coder Gabriel Weinberg: DuckDuckGo Challenges Google on Privacy (With a Billboard - 1/19/11 / Ryan Singel. According to this article - via a billboard near SanFran, DuckDuckGo points out to the innocent masses that Google tracks, shares and stores the keywords that lead people to certain sites. DDG does not. By tracking keywords, companies (often spammy online companies) take advantage of the keywords you use to lure you to their site. The debate also points out that alternative search engines such as DuckDuckGo can brag about this because DDG isn't big enough to attract spammy sites and companies the way spam/scams/The Mans target Google.

The article also labels people, like fellow library student Brian, who use and prefer search engines like DDG as "alpha geeks." Who doesn't want to be an Alpha Geek?!!! Seriously.

One thing DDG has going for it? Library students and librarians (many who are alpha geeks - regardless of sex) recommend it to people who are over/under-whelmed by Google.

WTF does this have to do with Jesus?

Like I said - because this Hot4Jesus blog is via Blogger/Google - and because I use other means to track traffic - I know what brings people to this site. I thought I'd let you in all the dirty little secrets I have stored up about what keywords people use regarding the Hot4Jesus take on religion. I also want to make it perfectly clear that I don't really pay that much attention to it - not enough to track down IP addresses - I'm not that geeky. Also - this site generates NO revenue for me. If I were in the money making business here - every other post would be dedicated to the following topics

All Time Highs for the past year (less than a year - Google hasn't shared stats on Blogger until a few months ago).

Keith Green: yep - believe me - people treat him like a god/prophet/rock-star. Keith is Contemporary Christian Music's Elvis.

Pastor Melissa Scott: within this category Hot4Jesus also attracts the following hits: well endowed women in church; hot women/female pastors; hot female christian preachers; hot pastors; sexy women in church.

Next in line for salaciousness:

michele bachmann hot: within this category - hot for jesus; hot michele bachmann photos; michele bachmann sexy; michele bachmann milf.

Hot Jesus: I see lots of NSFW keyword searches regarding Jesus. No big surprise since in part this blog is dedicated to the Virility of Jesus. One of the most recent keyword searches via Google is hot jesus porn.

Finally - lots of people show up here because of the presence of Gael Garcia Bernal. I don't blame them. Recently, there has been an onslaught of people looking for Christian Bale. What I wouldn't do to see those two in the same frame on the silver screen!

I've seen a few Jesus Metaphor keyword searches - and I'd like to see more - but not going to kid myself. Sex (& Keith Green) Sells. Just ask Christianity. Too bad I'm not selling you anything here.

So - in the name of lack of privacy - consider yourself warned. Also - consider this an education - or a thought-provoker about internet privacy. Do you even care that Google tracks, stores, and shares what keywords you use to find sites?

If you do, consider the options found in the article above. I myself didn't start using Google until a couple years ago. By default, I searched via MSN - now Bing. As a library student, I challenge and encourage you, and myself, to become just a little less reliant on Google. You might be surprised where your non-Google searches lead you.

For those geeks who found this post hoping for a discussion about Neo, Keanu, Jesus and The Matrix... come back another time. I'll get around to it.

Christian Bale: Dedicated to the Jesus Look

2011-01-17T23:24:00.001-06:00

While you slave away on your New Jesus Metaphor No-Contest assignment - thought I'd insert a fluff piece. Here's a peek at what Jesus might look like in a black-on-black tux holding the whole world in his right hand.

Christian Bale: Golden Globes Press Room (via cbsnews.com: Credit - Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

How about that Christian Bale?

Christian rarely plays fluff. He's played Jesus before (Mary, Mother of Jesus, 1999)- so it's high time I dedicated a post just to him and his Jesus-ness. It appears that Christian might be about to have another go at a Jesus role - or at least the Jesus look.

Have at it Christian! Pretty soon you'll be too old in RL to play Jesus in His prime... or to pull off the Hot Jesus Look without resembling The Dude.

(Sorry Jeff Bridges - that's as close as you'll ever get to being featured on Hot4Jesus)

New Jesus Metaphor No-Contest

2011-01-08T00:43:00.012-06:00

THE ONLY WAR THAT MATTERS IS THE WAR AGAINST THE IMAGINATION
THE ONLY WAR THAT MATTERS IS THE WAR AGAINST THE IMAGINATION
THE ONLY WAR THAT MATTERS IS THE WAR AGAINST THE IMAGINATION
ALL OTHER WARS ARE SUBSUMED IN IT

from "Rant" by Diane di Prima

I have a degree in secondary English Education – and I’m not using it - but every once in a while I get this strong urge to force everyone in the room to sit down and write.

Hence - The New Jesus Metaphor No-Contest!

I want you to tell your Jesus story in 50-200+ words by extending a metaphor.

Give me your Elongated Jesus Metaphors.

Never thought I’d say that.

Metaphors bench press brain cells that nonfiction narratives and opinions only wiggle.

It’s Winter. We need to exercise our brains. We need to create new ways to talk about stuff. Starting with Jesus. Starting with your deconversion. Starting with your first communion. Starting with your ethics/morality. Starting with Everything.

Think Parables. Think Allegories. Think Conceits. Think Prose. Think Poetry. Think Creative Nonfiction - or Fiction.

Rules?

Don’t play by the rules. If all else fails - this is the default setting.

Incentives to get involved?

• A fabulous brain work-out.
• Impress others.
• The power to turn on light-bulbs in human brains about religion and spirituality and atheism and doubt and morality.

Does it have to have Jesus in it?

No - but think WWJW(rite)? It could reflect on the themes of what you think Jesus might expound on. It could be a way to describe your past or present relationship with Jesus (please don't use the marriage metaphor - unless you can put a fresh spin on it). It could be anything related to religion, spirituality, disbelief, good/evil or your experience with these themes.

Humor is allowed. Serious is allowed. Sappy is allowed. Surprise me.

What am I going to do with your Jesus Metaphor?

What are YOU going to do with your Jesus Metaphor? Post it on your blog and then send me a link.

I’ll collect the submissions and links and ask readers to vote on their favorites via a poll. The best loved Elongated Jesus Metaphor wins utter admiration AND front-page posting. You keep all rights to your Metaphor. No exchange of gifts. No exchange of money. No exchange of anything but Metaphor.

Don’t have a blog?

Email it to me to publish under a special New Jesus Metaphor tab.

What is a metaphor?

A metaphor is not LIKE anything, it IS the thing. (Metaphor: He’s the lily of the valley. Simile: Thy two breasts are like two young roes…) Misguided Jesus Simile submissions will be filed under Jesus Look-A-Likes.

How is an elongated (extended) metaphor different than a regular metaphor?

Extended Metaphors go on and on. They get the job done. They don't wuss out. Instead of one sentence or mention they are extended throughout a paragraph or an entire story. Elongated metaphors can be a challenge – and that is why I’m giving you (and me) so much time to work on it.

Deadline?

March 21st, 2011.

Examples of Elongated Metaphors?

Check out Song of Solomon for starters – and almost anything the prophets say – and parables – and allegories ala Pilgrims Progress. But shorter. 50-@200 words please.

Questions about the No-Contest?

Post them below. There is no such thing as a stupid question. However, you might get a stupid answer.

Submissions?

Go to my Contact page and email me forthwith.

Happy Metaphoring!

And like I learned from all my best writing teachers - is any assignment the class gets - I have to do too. I'll be New Jesus Metaphoring right alongside you.

Please pass the New Jesus Metaphor No-Contest on to your friends.

Related Links:
What is an Extended Metaphor
Extended metaphor
Metaphor - Widipedia

Intervention Time - Please HELP Ex-Christians, Ex-Fundamentalists, Ex-Evangelicals!

2011-01-06T15:49:00.005-06:00

DISCLAIMER: This post is an emotional reaction.

I just stumbled upon and read Bill Zeller's suicide note and was shaken and upset about his description of darkness and anger as a result of childhood sexual abuse. Then I got to the part about fundamentalist Christianity. I will NOT filter it through my own words... but I do ask that you read it for yourself... Please. http://documents.from.bz/note.txt

Please - if you are thinking of suicide or hurting yourself and/or others - Please - seek help. I beg of you - please reconsider thinking in terms of being stoic or hopeless. Please - consider counseling - consider sharing the honest depth of your pain face to face with someone you trust - and if there is no one you trust, please seek help from a professional - and if you don't like the therapist or professional you find - keep looking - try again - Please.

This post won't scratch the surface of the problem of physical and spiritual and psychological abuse in the world - but I'd rather attempt to make a dent than not. I myself have not ever considered suicide - but I take those who consider suicide very seriously. I also know I can't stop people from hurting themselves - and logic fails sometimes - but I will continue to encourage people to Take Good Care of Themselves.

I learned at Quivering Daughters that January is Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month. I wasn't sure how or when I'd bring that up at Hot4Jesus - because DebbieDowner posts aren't exactly fun to write... but after reading Zeller's letter - which he asked to be copied and read and passed around (yes - i realize the fuzzy ethics of passing on words from someone who takes their own life) I was reminded how, from the beginning of this blog I've wanted to bring awareness to the difficulties of leaving the confines of Fundamentalist Christianity - Evangelical Christianity - Evangelical Fundamentalist Christianity. This is not a rant - this is a plea for YOU - whether you're atheist or agnostic or skeptic or still a believer - to STOP enabling psychological and spiritual abuse - Take it Seriously!

How do you take it seriously?

Help - Don't Judge - Ex-Christians, Former Fundamentalists, Evolving Evangelicals.

Non-believers have a long way to go in offering healthy alternatives to Jesus. What are you doing to help people leaving Christianity? What are you doing to help people find a happy, loving community outside of the Jesus fan-club? What are you doing to help those who are ostracized by their Christian community - people who have been judged and cast out - people who are conditioned to attend church on a regular basis - people who are conditioned to turn to the Bible for answers - people who are conditioned to spin Everything in terms of sin, evil, Jesus' love and sacrifice... only One Way to survive this World? What are you doing?

Need suggestions? Look into what kind of secular organizations and support groups are available in your community. Don't like the options? Consider starting one yourself. Support the efforts of secular organizations that strive to create healthy alternatives to religious communities.

Need help yourself before you reach out to others? Get help. Be willing to make a fool out of yourself in how you explore being Alive right here, right now. Be healthy even when you take risks. Seek emotional support from someone who is not emotionally involved. Work hard on re-defining the source of your strength and identity. Find your boundaries. Find your strengths. Don't fear or judge your weaknesses. Reach out - Listen - Take Good Care of Yourself. Please.

And Thank You.

Related Hot4Jesus posts and links:
Living and Dying for Jesus - 12/10/07
Dead Serious - 12/12/07
Here To Help
HOT LINKS: Blogs, Websites, Networks

Also check Solid Ground sidebar links>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Classy Hot4Jesus Discussion #2: Pastors, Preachers, Sheepherders...

2011-01-04T21:35:00.002-06:00

This week's Classy Hot4Jesus Discussion is to limber you up for future discussions about the role of pastors. Once again, this post is meaningless unless you throw in your 2 cents from your infinite wealth of wisdom - and I mean Wisdom when I say it. Last week's responses were beyond wonderful. Thank You!

Pastors, ministers, priests, reverends, fathers, rabbis, shamans, teachers, clergy, what-have-you...

For starters, which term are you most comfortable using when you reference Flock Leaders? Anything other than Preacher or Pastor or Brother feels foreign on my tongue. What lingo do you use when describing spiritual shepherds?

What memories do you have of the pastors who crossed your path? Are they negative, positive or both? I suspect there are plenty of horror stories out there, so if you can, what positive experiences have you had with clergy? Feel free to get the ugly stories off your chest too.

Depending on your spiritual disposition, what do you think are the catalysts behind a pastors' calling: Someone too good or too smart for politics? the pastor's psychological insecurity? weak masses yearning to be led? burning desire to hear oneself talk? special opportunities to selflessly serve a community? ...?

What emotional and psychological talents or weaknesses are most common among preachers?

What do you most admire about the work of spiritual leaders? What attracts the most criticism from you of spiritual leaders? At their worst, how do Holy Men (and Women) take advantage of their Power? At their best, how do spiritual shepherds and healers make The World a better place?

How is a clergy member different than a therapist or psychologist? How are they similar? What other secular roles could fill the shoes of minister to the Seekers, Lost or Hurt? Does a good pastor have a corner on the market that no secular person can or should compete with?

Raise your hand if you're a PK.

Raise your hand if you've "known" a PK.

Raise your hand if you know all the lyrics to Son of Preacher Man.

CLUSTERHUMPING FOR JESUS: Will the Ladies Please Take Their Bows?!

2010-12-29T01:15:00.004-06:00

It’s been a while since the last Wednesday Clusterhump, but I'm pretty sure we can get back into the swing of things without too much awkwardness. Ready for another go?

I am.

This clusterhump is dedicated to the ladies.

Bloggers:

I’ve mentioned Ex-Fundie before – and I’ll mention her again. I still hope she’ll draw up a flow chart for those disclaimers about my salvation. Maybe I need to actually email her about that instead of passive-aggressively asking in a public forum.

Another former hard-core Christian boldly tells her story at Oh, My Soul Hole. Tai Bee is just getting started so let’s lift her up! No – you cannot peak under her skirt when you lift her up! Well, maybe you can – but you’ll have to ask nicely. (I think she can handle that.)

Next – I know I’m coming late to the party of this one but Why I Left Christianity by Lori needs to be on your radar. I wish I had known about it sooner.

Same with Leah at Whore of All the Earth. Goes without saying – her blog is amazing – though I’m pretty sure all my readers know that already. Leah (another public message alert - i like to keep my stalking out in the open) - if you're ever in my neck of the woods, let's meet for coffee!

More Than Bloggers:

Women bloggers who do more than just blog – but work to right wrongs created by hard-core Christianity in America.

Not the first time I’ve mentioned Dr. Marlene Winell – and it won’t be my last. Go to her site – read her book – she’s lived through this and is reaching out to help those of us who struggle with turning off that ‘my-way-or-the-highway’ record that spins in our heads. She has a retreat coming up in January for those in the San Fran area. From my understanding, she is also working to have Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS) recognized among psychologists. Please support her work as you can. You can also check out the Here To Help tab for more details.

If you haven’t heard about the site Stop Baptist Predators – well - it's too late now. Christa writes about her own abuse by Baptist clergy (check CB’s Testimony links) and spreads the news about sexual predators within the Baptist circles. From what I can tell, she doesn’t write as a nonbeliever, but instead encourages those who have been hurt to seek help. The site includes links to SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) and other resources for victims of abuse. She is working to hold corrupt men accountable – and corrupt men are more often than not supported by other corrupt men. The least we can do is support Christa’s work.

Finally, Vyckie Garrison of No Longer Quivering. She blogs and started a forum and blogging platform for women and girls recovering from the Quiverfull movement. She herself is the mother of seven children and writes and works from the outside after spending many years on the inside of the movement.

What is the Quiverfull movement? The best way to find out more is to visit the site…. and check out the about pages – particularly What Is Quiverfull? (duh). Many of these evangelical and fundamentalist women have been spiritually and psychologically coerced into large home-schooled families that revolve around the patriarch and the church... sometimes leaving the women with broken bodies and unreasonable expectations of their faith and family. The Blogroll tab offers dozens of amazing blogs and sites including Quivering Daughters which works to help deprogram girls from the expectations placed on them by their church and family.

How to say this?

I am from a Quiver. A Quiver is an OT biblical reference. Allow me:

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD;
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of the warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them
They shall not be ashamed,
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.

Psalms 127:3-5 (NAS)

The official Quiverfull movement started in the early 1980s. By that time all my brothers and sisters were born. I love each and every one of them more than words can express. Though I wasn’t homeschooled, other siblings were church-schooled.

I’m not ready to go into detail here - but suffice it to say – I’ll never forget the envy and awe in the eyes of the men of the churches we attended. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

And to soothe that sickness, I cannot express my thanks and appreciation and gratitude enough to all the bold women who work against fundamentalism – whether it is blogging their personal testimonies as current atheists or by working with their faith intact to speak Truth to Power.

As I started spreading my wings upon leaving the faith, I was, and am, constantly amazed at how so many secular women take feminism for granted. If you want to witness feminism alive and well – and btw, feminism is nothing to be afraid of – look to the girls and women picking themselves up and brushing themselves off from the confines of hard-core Christianity. If you can, do more than just gawk. Listen to them. Join their ranks. Encourage them. Support them.

And yes - I'm aware that an entire blog post dedicated to women, just because they have a vagina, is soooo pre-1990s feminism. I try. Solidarity is a Bitch.

Classy Hot4Jesus Discussion #1: Churches

2010-12-28T15:21:00.000-06:00

Let’s get You talking – about religion, religion and politics, spirituality, fundamentalism in America, evangelical fundamentalism in America, evangelicalism in America, atheism, secular humanism, agnostic atheists, science, art, math, music, deprogramming, reprogramming, well-fed kitty cats napping in sun spots, and, of course, your mom.

Every week I’ll dedicate a Hot4Jesus post to you – a post that goes nowhere, accomplishes nothing, unless you comment.

Today’s topic for you to discuss and yack about?

Churches, cathedrals, tabernacles, chapels, and/or your body as a temple.

Inspired by a photographer I discovered online, Christopher Crawford, who takes gorgeous photos of abandoned buildings, including churches, in Indiana, inspired by o so many ugly and beautiful holy places I’ve worshipped in and toured, I have a few questions for you:

What House of God made the biggest impression on you and why? What was the ugliest church you’ve been in? The most beautiful?

What are the pros and cons of home churches?

Have you ever thought of your body as a temple? If so, what did that mean to you – your body as something to inspire awe in others or your body as the place where Jesus and the Holy Spirit lived? How did this concept as your bodies as a dwelling place for the Divine direct your every day decisions?

Is there such a thing as a secular church in your community? What would be an example of a secular church? What secular alternatives to churches – buildings or gatherings are there out there?

Raise your hand if you’ve never stepped foot in a church.

Raise your hand if have and you never want to step foot in a church again.

Finally raise your hand if you would go to a church, cathedral or chapel just to experience the space, light and sound or other superficial aspects of the place.

Put your hands on the keyboard and write. Get used to this – I have a writing assignment headed your way soon.

Christmas Music to End All Christmas Music, Part II: BEAUTIFUL SAVIOR

2010-12-25T16:29:00.002-06:00

I can tell you are all clambering for more Christmas music! Hold your horses... I have more from where that (AVE MARIA) came from! Settle down!

The next song isn't necessarily considered Christmas Music, but it is beautiful Jesus music - and I had the pleasure of singing it at the end of St. Olaf Christmas Concert described in the previous post: Beautiful Savior. The version I'm posting here is as the St. Olaf Choir sings it - alone. It's their "signature piece" and absolutely gorgeous. However, for the Christmas Concerts, all choirs sing it - spread out through the candle lit auditorium ... the Grand Finale.

Now imagine this - surrounded by hundreds of voices, instead of dozens.

My first solo ever? What Child Is This as a 5th grader in the tiny Southern Baptist Church. I got to dress up as Mary :)

What was/is your favorite Christmas Song?

Christmas Music to End All Christmas Music, Part I: AVE MARIA

2010-12-24T01:22:00.008-06:00

I cannot stress enough the Power music holds as an emotional and psychological indoctrination tool. To me, music is a drug. I've used it and abused it. Part of my use and abuse took me to St. Olaf College which each year presents the Christmas Concert to end all Christmas Concerts.

If academics don't kick your butt at Olaf, then the preparation for the St. Olaf Christmas Concert during Fall Finals will. Once I sang in this Christmas Concert as a freshman I had already sung with Anton Armstrong as my director for two choir camps - All-State and Summer Camp. The St. Olaf Choir is world-renown - as is the PBS and NPR broadcast of the Christmas Concert every Christmas season which includes six choirs, orchestra and handbells.

Every four years they film the concert. Every fourth year happened to be my freshman year.

What does this have to do with Jesus?

If you're not already saved (as so many Lutherans aren't ;) surround yourself with some of the most beautiful singing in the world, hold hands with the singers, feel the Vibration of Sound pass through the entire body of singers, listen to the overtones ring long after a song is finished. If Jesus can't save you, Ave Maria will.

The tenor I sat in front of was passionate and operatic. O lord, the chills that went through my body. And the tenors from the St. Olaf choir (purple robes)?! O Jesus. Too bad the director blocks your view of me - for the most part. I'm surprised I wasn't foaming at the mouth.

I have posted three arrangements of Franz Biebl's Ave Maria; The St. Olaf one was sung in a converted gymnasium with likely over 100 men singing it, producing a much different sound than a small group as demonstrated by the second recording by Chanticleer. The third version is sung by young women, Pro Musica - by far the most crystal clear of all the recordings. I've become partial to the women singing it, in part because the video demonstrates it as it was supposed to be - with the smaller choir in the cathedral choir loft. I've heard and seen Biebl's Ave Maria sung this way too - by men - definitely in the St. Olaf Chapel and very likely for one of many choir festivals I attended in St. John's Abbey - built by Marcel Breuer.

By the time the top St. Olaf recording was made, I'd already struggled with Ave Maria because of its Catholic origin - the first blatantly Catholic songs I sang as a solo in high school. As a fundagelical I struggled to wrap my head around that - and though I nailed Schubert's version, I believed that singing such a beautiful song in praise of the Virgin Mary was playing with pagan fire.

But - I sang it and loved singing it. When I hear Biebl's version again today - in waves of music memory my full body trembles the way it did each time I've heard this song - and I see more than Jesus - I see the Goddess - your Mother, my Mother - I see her sitting in awe of her child.

For every fundie girl out there taught to suppress worship of Wise Women - this song is for You.

MY SALVATION, Part II: a certain slant of light

2010-12-17T23:57:00.005-06:00

I Feel My Savior's Love by Greg Olsen

Where did I first hear about the Prayer of Salvation - the Sinner's Prayer? It could have been the Evangelical Covenant Church or the Mennonite Church or the playroom at the Evangelical Women’s Conference on the Canadian border, but most likely it was through Christian Radio.

We didn’t have a tv but we did have radio. 80% of the time it was tuned to the Christian station.

I loved Jesus before I dedicated my life to him. The music coming out of the 1970s Jesus Movement taught me how Wonderful he was. “Welcome to Agapeland” anyone ? Bullfrogs & Butterflies - they must be born-again? Children's Bible Hour with Uncle Charlie out of Grand Rapids, Michigan - Calvinist country? Baptist hymns? That was my childhood. Through praise songs, modern parables and gospel hymns and Bible stories and more Bible stories and talks with my parents, I KNEW Jesus loved me.

I just didn’t know that I had to do anything but love Jesus back.

And then I turned 5. I turned from Mary as my intercessor, private goddess and turned to Jesus. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I talked to God and told him mundane stuff. I discovered the need for the Holy
Spirit and talked to God again. I discovered the need for Christ to die on the cross and be buried and rise on the 3rd day in order for my past, present and future sins to be wiped away so I could live in his heavenly presence for eternity when my physical body died. I talked to Jesus. I asked the Holy Spirit to talk to God. I asked Jesus to talk to God. I asked God to talk to Jesus. I thanked all of them for their sacrifice and love.

Finally, I prayed for Salvation with utter conviction.

My prayers matured, but I didn’t stop praying for 22 years.

I felt so blessed to know. My heart would burst and ache and burst and ache thinking about how beautiful God was, how amazing His Power was, how gorgeous His Creation. Chills in my spine. Kundalini Rising.

The Holy Spirit worked in my heart. I felt it in the music. I felt it when I sang. I felt in it every cell of my body. I saw it in Everything. I knew something so Wonderful as eternal life through Christ's sacrifice was not only possible, but REAL! I was full of Love. I was excited. Once I prayed the Prayer I KNEW I was saved. I could feel it in my skin, in my bones, on my lips. And I wanted people to know.

Suffer the little children to come unto me... "Jesus With Children" by Frances Hook

I told my parents. There was joy, joy, Joy.

I went through a phase when I asked my parents for forgiveness when I did anything remotely sinful (never really learned how to misbehave). They explained if Jesus was in my heart I didn’t need to be forgiven by them. There was a difference between human mistakes that hurt no one, and willful human sin. God could tell the difference. God was the Only Judge and Jesus’ Blood, His Grace covered ALL.

I loved talking to God as I fell asleep. I loved listening for his voice.

And we did talk. He comforted me. He told me I was His child. He told me I was a child of the King. He told me I was forgiven. He told me everything would be okay. He told me to be a Light unto the world – to create happiness and peace and laughter.

And I did shine. I was more than just a good little girl. I was a happy little girl. I was so happy to be alive that it hurt. I was so excited to go to heaven that that hurt too. I was willing to risk being made fun of to tell the people around me about Jesus. I wanted more people to know about the Beauty Within.

For those fundagelicals who have made it this far, you’re wondering, ‘Sure, she prayed the prayer, felt the Spirit move her, and believed – but where, o where, is her Baptism?’

Lucky me. In addition to our Sunday morning church and church shopping we started home-churching on Wednesday and Sunday nights with deep Bible studies with a new, like-minded Baptist family. With them we started a Southern Baptist Mission Church in northern Minnesota.

The Southern Baptist church not only believes in baptism by immersion, but also in going forward. Yes, I was saved – but my salvation was not complete until I went forward and was baptized.

Go Forward? (you heathens...!)

Yes. Go forward: you walk to the front of the church and declare to the elders that you believe, have asked Jesus into your heart, are cleansed of sin and want to demonstrate (and complete according to some doctrines) your salvation through the symbolic rite of Baptism.

By the time I COULD go forward it was around 3rd grade for me. For over a year we had met in abandoned storefronts and in our homes. Then we bought an old white-washed country Lutheran church on the edge of town. Once we settled in I started squirming during the Invitation.

The Invitation?

Yes. The Invitation after every single service and often every single prayer – asking new believers to come forward, publicly declare their faith and be baptized… inviting sinners to Come Home.

I squirmed because I knew this was a step I wanted to take and a step I had to take. But I didn’t like going up alone. Satan was playing with my soul, trying to keep me from making a public commitment.

But the Holy Spirit had the upper hand. Each time “Just As I Am” started playing I would bare-knuckle the back of the pew ahead of me like a life-long philandering alcoholic afraid to give up the bottle and dames. I wanted so very badly to go forward! I wanted to be baptized!

One Sunday, our parents gathered the clan and made a pre-Sunday night church announcement. They were going to go forward and join the church. They were already baptized and saved but the Southern Baptist Convention required that in order for them to be members with voting privileges or to participate in communion they had to physically go forward and share their testimony.

And if any of us felt the Holy Spirit was moving us to declare our Salvation too, they encouraged us to consider going forward as God called us.

That night – sweaty palms, shallow breath, beating heart. The Sunday night sermon was a blur but I was acutely aware of my physical surroundings. The pitch-black tundra cold screeching up against the white-washed wooden church. The quaker-esque steepled windows. The kind drawl of our old Southern Baptist preacher. My fist in my lap. The squeak of the pews. The shuffling of my siblings spread out on either side.

The church glowed white and bright that night.

Behind the pulpit, my dad led us into the invitation hymn. My mother at the piano.

When my mother left the piano, everyone continued to sing. My dad stepped out from behind the pulpit – reached out to my mother and turned to face the preacher and the deacon.

I couldn’t sing anymore. The words choked my throat. My older brother and sister, more than just shuffling next to me, left the pew and walked forward.

That was when the damn broke for me. The Spirit moved mightily.

You’ll hear this in quite a few born-again stories, but I don’t remember walking down the aisle – if I walked – or floated – or ran. Time fast-forwarded. It was one of those time warps we all experience in life here and there. Before I knew it I was standing next to my siblings and my parents. Crying.

The enormous weight lifted as I faced the wee congregation. Crying and happy and o so relieved! I was safe and saved – and not afraid to show it.

And I’ve never had stage fright since.

Problem is – I was pretty young, 10ish, and my family being so large, we ALL went forward, even the babes younger than I. Not all of us were allowed to join the church that night because of an arbitrary age limit around 8-10. After I explained that I had prayed the prayer of salvation, I had asked Jesus into my heart, I believed dagnabit!, they were convinced that I was old enough to know what I was doing.

Duh. In my mind I had been saved for at least 5 years by then – but jump through the hoops I did.

Now the problem of Baptism. The Lutheran church we had bought had no baptismal tank. Lutherans don’t Baptize by immersion. So – we had to go elsewhere to be baptized.

Baptismal tank? That's another story.

Like I said – I’ve been holding off from trying to write this.

How can I explain how it felt to stand up there with the family I loved, knowing my mother and father and brothers and sisters would all be together for eternity?! How can I explain the Love in my heart for the world, for the people in that room, for Everyone and Everything?! How can I explain - the certain slant of light - within... the darkness without?

Trying to explain cheapens it.

But I hope – you can understand – that night – we, the wee church, formed a Circle. We held hands. We sang “Blest Be the Tie That Binds” harmonized a cappella.

If I have to explain anything more – then obviously you have never been born-again.
;)

Blest be the tie that binds
Our hearts in Christian love;
The fellowship of kindred minds
Is like to that above.

Before our Father’s throne
We pour our ardent prayers;
Our fears, our hopes, our aims are one
Our comforts and our cares.

We share each other’s woes,
Our mutual burdens bear;
And often for each other flows
The sympathizing tear.

When we asunder part,
It gives us inward pain;
But we shall still be joined in heart,
And hope to meet again.

This glorious hope revives
Our courage by the way;
While each in expectation lives,
And longs to see the day.

From sorrow, toil and pain,
And sin, we shall be free,
And perfect love and friendship reign
Through all eternity.

Lyrics by John Fawcett
Music by Hans G. Nageli

MY SALVATION, Part I: Disclaimers for Complainers

2010-12-16T02:20:00.004-06:00

The Rescue by Nathan Greene

It’s been a while since I've written a Disclaimer post, but the stakes are high.* This First of Two, maybe Three, posts on My Salvation is entirely devoted to Disclaimers.

These archived posts chronologically lead up to my salvation story:
BORN INTO IT: Nature VS Nurture, Part I

MY ORIGINAL SIN: Nature Vs Nurture, Part II

SPEAKING WORDS OF WISDOM: Something about Mother Mary

I’ve waited to write this because… hmmm… testimonies were something I was programmed to not share in mixed company. Yes – I attended churches that encouraged witnessing, some much more than others, but

within my family one’s born-again experience was not something to bat around the church or secular stage for shits & giggles. Testimonies were to be shared after much soul-searching, preferably with hearts that were ready to receive the Gospel of Love, Sacrifice and Forgiveness.

Right there I’ve lost the respect of some Christians who believe that nothing, but nothing, should discourage one from spreading the Good News. kthxbai.

My family and I witnessed most through music and through lifestyle choices that set us apart from the world. Telling total strangers how Jesus saved us from eternal damnation fell into the “pearls before swine” philosophy some Christians have about sharing their testimony with just anyone in just any situation. And it was just plain rude.

Growing up Minnesotan, raised by Minnesotans, play-nice rules about not talking too much about politics or religion rubbed off on us from our Lutheran surroundings.

I’m still Minnesotan – but no longer playing nice.

Search terms for you religious nerds to Google or Bing or Britannica : Calvinism, Arminianism, Apostasy, Deism, Lutheranism...

A number of things will occur when I tell my story of salvation. Everyone, but EVERYONE, including you, including me, will go away feeling smug.

1. Some Christians will point to details I deliberately or unintentionally leave out and say, “She was never born-again in the first place.” This will free them up to ignore what I have to say henceforth and forthwith. You can’t leave behind salvation you never had. They will feel better about their own salvation and less threatened by my leaving if they can dismiss me. This ability to claim my lack of salvation may stem from their sect’s doctrine, their personal interpretation of scripture or the Spirit of God might move them to doubt the validity of my salvation. I can claim to have been a Christian until I sweat blood but after the blasphemous stunts I pull around here it will be obvious that I was never saved in the first place. Easier to ignore that way.

2. Some Christians will say, “Only God can judge the heart” and let me say my peace. They may even acknowledge the “kernels of Truth” alongside the claims they question. My falling away is merely evidence of the End Times and a Hardened Heart. There will come a time, in hell, when I will regret this. Sad, but True. Even so, come Lord Jesus.

3. Some Christians will say, “Sure sounds saved to me! Once saved, always saved!” and dismiss the threat of my deconversion by believing that as a once-true Christ-follower I will eventually find my way back to Jesus or that his Grace will cover even this sacrilegious phase. In their head, they get to keep their faith and I get to keep mine. It’s all good.

4. Some Christians will see this as a continual soul-searching Journey. They will accept my skeptical phase and give me brownie points for doubt. They might thumb-up me for going beyond mainstream Christianity to find the true Christ in Everything – the Christ that all other religions point to. They’ll applaud my embrace of the historical Jesus. If really liberal they may even say, “Heck – as long as she believes in or talks about a Higher Power she’s in good shape.” (I don’t believe in a Higher Power, fyi – though some will interpret the effort I put into deprogramming as evidence of that belief.)

5. Lots of Christians will say, “She was too young to make this decision.” But I'm an old soul. I have a memory and awareness reaching back to the cradle. The salvation story that spans my 5th to 11th years is as legit as it gets. I knew what I was getting into. I knew what was at stake. The twenty some years that followed demonstrates how seriously I took the growth and maturing of my faith. However, I will acknowledge the wisdom of the Amish rumspringa and their inability to become a member and be baptized until the age of 16.

6. Everyone else. Former believers. Never believers. How will they/we feel smug? Well – that’s the beauty of echo chambers.

Hello...
Hello
hello?

Would it be easier if I made a flow chart?

She doesn’t know this yet, but that is exactly what I want to commission ExFundamentalist to draw for me… for free.

All that said and one more caveat via one of those too-cool-for-school #outlawpreachers on Twitter, Khad Young: Salvation is not the point of Christianity any more than the wedding is the point of a marriage. #outlawpreachers

No – but the point from which all special privileges and expectations begin…

As you wait for My Salvation Story part 2, did I miss any Disclaimers I’ll regret in the morning? Is there a place online where you've written about your own Salvation Story?

*This post is verbose - and just one of those over-analytical things I write when I feel like I have to explain everything - and as I recover from a verbose semester. I know I don't have to explain everything. That's what heaven is for.

Jesus is The Man: The Man is Jesus - comprenez-vous?

2010-12-04T01:54:00.003-06:00

The French Connection is more than just an awesome 1970's French New Wave Wannabe. It's also a clothing line for women - and men. And to make it perfectly clear that the mens' clothes are for men they hired Beatnik Jesus to demonstrate everything from Trousers and Cinema to No Shoes - in black and white for the 2010 Spring/Summer campaign.

In color for the 2010 Fall/Winter collection, Hippie Jesus tries his hand at pigeon kung-fu and 'strides where he likes.'

And to round out this unholy trinity - a French Collection photo of Grunge Jesus as Shepherd critiquing his flock.

What wise life lessons can we take from this fashion-plate Jesus? Every man needs un petit chien? French Cinema isn't for sissies? Hell is other people? Other people are hell? Our perception of other people's judgment of us is hell? un peu.

SEXY SUNDAY: Michele Bachmann & I - "Changing the World Through Hot People."

2010-11-07T12:30:00.029-06:00

Once upon a time in October 2006, Xtine needed a sexy Halloween costume for a friend’s Birthday/Halloween Party. Since 2003 this friend had inspired Xtine to dress up and celebrate and embrace Halloween, something the formally conservative young lady had not done until 2003.

Xtine rummaged through her closet and pulled out a vintage power suit with padded shoulders and a pretty red, white and blue floral pattern. She thought, “Hmmm… I could wear this and go as a flight attendant.”

But the young lady was not pleased with her decision. Sexy flight attendant was so unoriginal! For days she meditated on this suit, tossed in her sleep, trying it on, trying it off, ready to give up on it – discouraged, distraught, dissatisfied.

Then while reading the newspaper, getting all worked up about the upcoming election, she had an epiphany: Michele Bachmann! Mrs. Bachmann was running on an anti-gay, anti-tax, anti-public education platform. Xtine found the following quotation inspirational from one of many articles that described a video of the politician campaigning in church.

In the video, Bachmann, a well-known opponent of gay marriage and of abortion, is shown talking about how her faith has guided her life, showing her where she should go to college, which is where she met her husband.
"It wasn't a big romantic surge that led us to each other," she said. "It was His Word."
She said she had a vision of "marrying this man, in the valley where his parents have a farm in western Wisconsin."
Bachmann said God led her to law school. Then her husband suggested she get a post-doctorate degree in tax law.
"Tax law? I hate taxes," she said. "Why should I go and do something like that? But the Lord says: 'Be submissive, wives, you are to be submissive to your husbands.'-"
She said God also called on her to run for the state Senate and then for Congress.

(Kevin Diaz, Rob Hotakainen, and Staff Writers. "Videos, Internet recalibrate campaigns; In Minnesota, bloggers are targeting Michele Bachmann, posting a clip of remarks she made at a church Sunday :[METRO Edition]. " Star Tribune. 19 Oct. 2006, ProQuest Newsstand, ProQuest. Web. 7 Nov. 2010)

Liberal Minnesotans were getting grumpy about her campaigning in Church, but Xtine couldn’t help notice the source: Michele Bachmann’s husband. Essentially, Bachmann’s ENTIRE career was based on not just special messages from God – but her being submissive to her husband.

This woman meant business - pure fucked-up fundamentalist hypocritical business!

So Michele Bachmann attended that Halloween/Birthday Party in 2006. Because the birthday celebrated an amazing & wonderful sex-positive girlfriend, a hot, straight male stripper was hired and an extra special cake ordered. It was the year of a mangled Siegfried and Roy, pirates and their lasses, a naughty and nice fairy and an award-winning Snoop Dogg in a rooster costume.

Life was good – and Xtine stayed in Michele Bachmann character as much as possible – even when her constituents slapped her ass. With a firm handshake and eye contact Xtine introduced herself as Michele Bachmann and explained “A vote for me is a vote for Jesus!” She flashed a smile and represented the GOP (God’s Ordained Politicians) Platform as best she could. After all, you can take the girl out of the GOP, but you can’t take the GOP out of the girl. Xtine/Michele explained how she had come upon this good luck of running for office – via a special message from God through her husband… and thumped her campaign button that read “Husbands Know Best!”... Doing what God called her to do ... Through Her Husband.

Just to be clear, Xtine didn’t look like a hot soccer mom or even a MILF – the terms used to dismiss Michele at the time. Michele and Xtine share few characteristics other than brunette hair, the ability to whip out charisma on demand and a strong foundation in GOP and evangelical fundamental quackery.

But Michele got a little out of hand that night. And now’s the time to share what evidence I do have. There are no pics of the hot, straight male stripper dry-humping Michele Bachmann while he lifted her in his strong dancer-body arms. There are numerous eye-witnesses – but no pics allowed. We were classy like that.

However, there is a picture of Michele Bachmann about to perform fellatio on a giant, erect penis… and from the looks of it I believe she’s dealing with a fire-crotch.

Yes – there is a picture and before all ya’ll get too excited – there also are tiered platters of sugary treats blocking the full view. This was right before digital cameras and 100 shots of one banana. I cropped the picture to zoom in on the main event… which again is Michele Bachmann going down a massive cock in October of 2006.

A massive cock-cake. After all - what is a degree at Oral Roberts good for you if don't know how to blow a cake cock or two?

Michele was so popular with the crowds that night that she was invited to show up at another weekend party. Xtine went to her tip-whore job as Michele and many people thought from a distance she was just doing the sexy flight attendant-secretary bit. Up close – people in the know FREAKED OUT!

It was then that Xtine realized how frightened people were of Bachmann on one of the most liberal corners in the most liberal city in one of the most liberal states in the USA. All night – at work, at the party – people voiced their anger and frustration – pissed off that Bachmann thought people would take her seriously, pissed off that Bachmann and her husband supported programs that “fixed” homosexuality. The fear and anger directed toward Michele was palpable. The assassin hired to take Bachmann down refused to talk with Xtine. This could be the end of Minnesota as we know it!

That night Xtine realized:

1. Halloween is AWESOME! – because it helps people name and face their fears;
2. Michele Bachmann was not being taken seriously enough – many people felt she was a harmless Bible-Thumper who would affect only the lives of the people in her district;
3. Many people oversimplified the depth and detail and power of the Christian Conservatives – and that made Xtine mad.

For over a year, Xtine tossed and turned in her sleep over this. She was getting used to being treated as a little bit of a circus freak. She became the go-to person when questions about Conservative Christianity came up. People asked her to go watch "Jesus Camp" with them in the theater – so they could Watch Her Reaction.

And then one night Hot-for-Jesus Former Fundie happened. At the time, a blog seemed like a good way flesh out her Library Science grad school application. She brainstormed titles: “Former Fundamentalist” - boring and taken; “Female Former Fundie” – not taken but still boring.

Then she thought of how Jesus’ sexy rock-star status made all the Christian girls hot for Him and all the Christian guys confused and want to emulate Him. Hot-for-Jesus popped up under her fingertips so she googled it. Nope – no other blogs titled Hot for Jesus, but the Michele Bachmann video popped up… which Xtine couldn’t watch because of dial-up connection.

Xtine can testify that she too was Hot-For-Jesus – both in the scriptural context Michele presents (Revelations 3:14-16) and in the context provided by the secular sex-addled world. Christine was on Fire for Christ. Christine Loved Jesus almost as much as Jesus loved Christine.

Dear Michele Bachmann – Thank you for winning/buying three elections to represent Minnesota’s 6th District in Congress. You will not leave me, nor will you forsake me. Thank You for sparking the flame to testify about what it is like to be you – on fire for Christ – HOT and not cold and sure as fuck not lukewarm. I am determined to let the world know that you mean business. It sucks that so many have dismissed you because of your MILF status or your Oral Roberts background. We Hot-For-Jesus ladies will not be dismissed. I will continue to do my best to balance your ongoing craziness by explaining my former craziness.

And thus – my 3rd Anniversary Post for Hot-for-Jesus Former Fundie.

Next up? As Hot-Librarian school allows – I have a working draft of my conversion – my born-again experience -- the story that needs to be told before any other bitching and moaning goes on around these parts.

MORE BACHMANN VIDEOS recommended by Ken Avidor:
Avidor's YouTube Channel

MNPOLITICS YouTube Channel

Bachmann on blip.tv

Dump Michele Bachmann blog

ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS: The Minister

2010-09-09T22:03:00.015-05:00

I'm trying something new - a guest blogger of sorts. When Erno and I discussed a recent Hot4Jesus post he reminded me of his brief training to become a military minister and I asked him to write it down for me. Erno Lintola is from Finland - and writes better English than some of us American bloggers. Enjoy the view from the trenches.

As a conscripted soldier, I had no special calling to serve my country in the armed forces. It does mean that I did it voluntarily, since where I'm from no-one's forced to take up arms. That doesn't mean that I was any good at it, but I did like combat training. Technically I served as a conscripted soldier, but at the end of my basic training I was trained as an army minister since back then I was still religious and studied theology so that I could take up the mantle and serve God and The Church.

After training I was positioned as a minister of a small garrison. The thing was that the garrison's ordained priest had only a part-time position there, so during weekdays I was supposed to be spiritual guidance counselor for the relatively small congregation consisting mainly of other conscripted soldiers. I served for only a very brief time.

Part of our minister training was to deal with the problem that here we all are, us soldiers, in an organization whose purpose is to... serve and protect… by maiming and killing the enemy. Yet the majority of soldiers are baptized Christians, and as sure as hell all of them weren't just paying lip-service to God. Harsh conditions make people look for solace in religion and in our cozy modern world there are few places as harsh as the armed forces, even if they've softened their training methods commendably.

Then of course there's the fundamentalists and guys from at least seven kinds of different sects and even if Joe Average might carry only nominal faith in his heart he'd still get married in a church and get his kids baptized and when he'd find himself in trouble he'd say a prayer and look for God to sort things out for him. Or if he'd be in the army and find himself seriously distraught and needing help, he'd come and talk to someone, someone who'd been trained to give counsel, to give pastoral care, whether it be a priest or a minister, or in this specific case... me.

Guns and people who feel they've been cornered don't mix well. Part of the job as a conscripted minister for the army was to listen to the troubled souls and try to alleviate their worries. If they were knee-deep in shit-creek, my job was to get them out of there, out of the army, out of the training… ASAP before anyone would figure it'd be a good idea to chew on a barrel of a semi-automatic and pull the trigger, or worse.

No worries there, I did manage to do this without starting to question the faith. But the other stuff I was appointed to do: To keep the faith? To give sermons? That was the pickle. What could I say to a bunch of people who were there learning to take other people's lives as efficiently as possible? Thou shalt not kill? Who lives by the sword, dies by the sword? Pray for forgiveness but in war, shoot first and repent later? God loves you and Jesus forgives you no matter who you are and what you've done?

For three long days I sat there, in my office, in my private purgatory, staring at the computer screen and finally finding out I had nothing to say, no encouraging words, no words of comfort and most of all, nothing to preach about. My being there, in that position, in that vocation and finding out that I really wasn't a man of faith at all, that religion had no part in my life, least of all there in the armed forces, made me realize that I was worse than useless. A man coming to me in a crisis of faith while I was going through my own and scales falling off from my eyes would find only that his crisis was justified, that either he'd have to accept that there is no God and soldier on, or do what his conscience might tell him and quit the army.

So I bailed out. I quit. Not because I felt it was against my religion to be there, by then I didn't have a religion anymore, but because I had to maintain the little integrity I had left. I couldn't even imagine that I'd maintain the illusion and speak words that I didn't believe myself, for all religions are crammed with words and ideas which define people if they believe them and I couldn't even pay lip-service to a God who wasn't there. If anyone would be willing to define themselves in that way, if they'd find a way to balance the contradiction of killing in the name of a loving God then so be it, but I'd have no part in it.

By Erno Lintola - 2010-

What are YOU going to do about the Neo-Theocracy movement?: Glenn Beck & His Fellow Zealots Strike Again

2010-08-28T13:20:00.008-05:00

I am trying to find the intelligent humor in the Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin "Restoring Honor Rally." The following link is immature and NSFW - but it is one attempt to make heads or tails out the Glenn Beck phenomenon: Glenn Beck is a penis. Warning - that site will do nothing for civilized dialogue - but sometimes we have to start at the bottom.

Instead I'm going to turn to you.

First - Watch as much of the Rally as you can. Get it while it's hot!

Restoring Honor Rally from C-Span's Video Library (transcript included)

Glenn Beck does his self-ordained zealot bit toward the end. Plenty of other pastors and preachers and Jesus songs along the way. Please - watch it. Some people are upset that C-Span broadcasted it live - gives him and his hypocrisy too much power - but if they hadn't I would only have heard about it filtered through others. You have to see it to believe it.

Can't stomach it? Then maybe we do deserve the stereotype of bleeding-heart, spineless liberal.

Second - My questions for you:

What are YOU going to do about this Neo-Theocracy in the making?
Where do you stand on this? Do you think the Tea Party/Theocracy Party will implode sooner than later - or explode?
Do you think it deserves the fear & trembling visceral response that some non-believers, skeptics and progressive Christians have?
Do you feel that this will do more to rally the troops for or against the movement?
Is there anything We The People can do to insure Glenn Beck and the Tea Party movement remains a minor blemish and doesn't turn into a gangrene-infested sore that begs for amputation?
He wants us to speak "The Truth." In what way can your knowledge of "Truth" counteract his understanding of "Truth." What The FUCK does "Truth" mean? I used to use it all the time as a Christian - but now -... seriously - How do you define "Truth"?
What God/Goddess would you pick to head a Theocracy? This is inspired by an online conversation with Tyler:

i'm all for a theocracy
i like krishna
something to do with the kama sutra makes me think we'd all have fun

Finally - Tell me - what can be done? - or am I over-reacting?

NOTES TO ON-THE-FENCE CHRISTIANS: Divorce Jesus & Quit Enabling Abuse!

2010-08-25T13:22:00.018-05:00

Last night I watched “Lord, Save Us from Your Followers” by Dan Merchant.

Dan is one of those Baby-In-The-Bathwater Christians who cling to Christianity. He’s ecumenical, which is lovely, but he also has a fundagelical background complete with fear of bar-codes as a Sign of the End Times.

He’s evolved into a more enlightened Christian but he hasn’t left the faith. In the movie (2008) he argues that we-the-people don’t sit down and talk and share experiences in a sane, civilized manner. He and guests make the point that yes – democracy means messy discourse – (and let’s not take it for granted!) – but why can’t we find the middle ground?

I appreciated much of what he said. I also cringed. I couldn’t quite put my finger on my frustration, but since he argues that we need to hear out the nuances of both sides – I want to hammer this out.

Hints of frustration started when I heard more than one Christian reference non/ex-Christians or angry protesters as people who had experienced some type of abuse at the hands of Christians or the Church henceforth lumping all Christianity into the bad-guy camp.

It was a back-handed dismissal of many people who are legitimately angry about religion or who have grown past religion, with or without spiritual abuse.

Note To Christians: NEVER psychoanalyze away the reason for someone leaving Christianity/Religion/Unicorns unless you are willing to take some of your own medicine. When was the last time you were okay with someone psychoanalyzing your need for Faith/Father/Imaginary Friend?

With each new scene I hoped that there would be someone other than Powerful Men expounding on the need for Christian-friendly dialogue. Only one heathen woman was interviewed.

Merchant went on and on about how Wonderful Rick Warren was. Rick Warren is no saint. Please don’t forget – women are not allowed to be ordained or preach in his church AND there is a history of condoning spousal abuse in his church. As he put Warren on a pedestal, I figured the movie couldn’t get much more out of touch.

But then he copied Blue Like Jazz’s Donald Miller and friend’s Christian Confessional Booth. So – Miller & “Beat Poet Friend” hung out at Oregon's Reed College encouraging Christ-like Christians and made a confessional booth after a yearly pagan party where young liberals could go into the booth and hear Miller and his friends APOLOGIZE for Christianity.

Have you read Blue Like Jazz?

I have.

A couple years before I started this blog, I read it and got so upset about the wolf in sheep’s clothing book that I emailed the author.

And Miller emailed back. I’d never written to an author before. I didn’t expect a response. Shoot - my ethics are getting in the way of leaving in the part about the gist of the emails - and WHY I was legitimately pissed off at the response... but I can say...

Thanks for the catalyst to be more vocal from the other side!

There is a whole genre of on-the-fence liberal/cool Christian writers who would have no income if they didn’t stick with their barely-there-faith spiel.

I honestly feel very, very sorry for them.

Speaking of which… Dan Merchant set up a similar confessional booth at a Pride Festival in Oregon and apologized to the gay community as a Christian and they ate it up. For the most part.
The Bride of Christ by Marion Coltman

Dan, et al., compared the church to a bride - ala too many scriptures to list here – and Tony Campolo, via St. Augustine expounds, “ The Church is a Whore AND She’s my Mother.”

That love/hate thing people have for the opposite sex… just adorable.

If they want to play the game of taking liberties with symbolism and metaphor – here goes my own sick twist on the Jesus/Church/Marriage/Bride bit:

Divorce The Bitch Already!

The problem with this confessional booth stunt is that it makes for a self-righteous confessor like the Pharisees who prayed in public AND it is a carbon copy of an abusive relationship.

I can just hear the woman apologizing to her kids, “Yes Daddy beats me/you, but He loves us! He’s doing it for our own good. I’m so sorry he does this to you – but I’m going to stick it out regardless.”

Come on People! Since when has it been healthy for someone to stay in an abusive relationship and expect others to put up with apologies from the person NOT hurting them – the person who enables the abuser? If the Enabler LEAVES the abuse and apologizes then HOWDY HI! SUPER DUPER!

But – if the Enabler STAYS in the abusive relationship and expects that their passive-aggressive apologies from someone who has no intention of leaving is going to smooth things over … well fuck that shit.

At this point it becomes painfully clear that the Enabler is so wrapped up in the abusive spin-cycle that they need help – an intervention perhaps – or they are self-destructive and beyond help.

And this goes for men too. Men can be emotionally and psychologically and sometimes physically abused by their partners. As angry as I get from seeing women & girls in abusive relationships – I also get frustrated with men putting up with relationships that are mean and manipulative and abusive.

Does any of the following sound familiar?

• He/She’s Changed! /is Changing! (NT vs OT God)
• He doesn’t mean to hurt me.
• Even when he/she makes me sad – I know he loves me. He just doesn’t know how to show it.
• She/He is jealous. That means he/she loves me.
• I can’t leave because of the kids.
• I can’t leave because of the vows.
• I’m determined to make this work.
• He/She is under a lot of stress.
• He/She is the best thing that happened to me. No one else knows me/loves me the way she does. I have to stay!

O jesus. The list goes on.

And I’m saying – GET OUT! If you have to apologize for the Church/ Christianity/ Religion over and over again… if you have to rationalize all the ugliness for the sake of the warm fuzzy feeling you get when you’re having sex/in the Spirit/eating a well-prepared meal… if you have to say – faith/love/hope/grace is worth it, even in the throes of a very fucked-up relationship… this is my tough-love saying – Honey – Walk Away!

Divorce the Asshole Already!

Quit self-righteously apologizing for someone else's abusive behaviour especially when the abuse affects more than just you! Quit Enabling Abuse!

The bright spot in the film was when Al Franken, my senator, said, “Maybe what Jesus meant was that when you look upon anyone, you look upon the Father… that there’s God/god in all of us.” Not Jesus claiming to be the son of god but that we ALL have the light within, which is very Gospel of Thomas of him, btw.

I beg of you…Use that light to guide your way out of a relationship that is doing more harm than good.
...from Jesus.

ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS: Proof that Fact is More Disturbing Than Fiction

2010-08-21T11:19:00.018-05:00

Now You Too can Put On the Full Armor of God! Buy this t-shirt at Zazzle.com!

Stop me if you've heard this before - but I rarely REACT on this blog. Need proof? I sat on the Jesus Fashion Photos for over 3 months... found in the Back-To-School post from yesterday. I'm going to blow my blogger wad one last time before the school year starts. And this is worth it:

Huffington Post Article: Troops: Skipping Christian Concert Got Us Punished (8/20/10)

With all this drama going on in NYC about the Mosque near Ground Zero, this little story CANNOT go ignored, or unpunished.

During an online dialogue with a European guy - "who used to be a minister in a European army for a very brief time until he had a crisis of faith" - he said:

the whole idea of soldiers or the military supporting one-sided religious views is appalling

a soldier's religion is war

and there's nothing holy about it

Amen to that.

This story makes me sick to my stomach. It is not the only incident of Evangelistic Christianity being encouraged or forced on our soldiers.

Have you watched or read Constantine's Sword yet? Why not?

Let's not be naive. The War on Terror is a Religious War. It won't be over until the fat lady sings - and the fat lady being Billie Holiday singing God Bless the Child (as in - until we realize - o the irony! religion/spirituality doesn't make us better people!).

"God Bless The Child" and bonus track "Now Baby or Never" - 2 of my BH favorites.

What was/is your favorite militarized Christian song?

I'm In the Lord's Army

Onward Christian Soldiers

____(fill in the blank)____

Thanks for playing!

BACK-TO-SCHOOL: The Hot Jesus Look

2010-08-20T14:25:00.013-05:00

According to the NYT Magazine's spread on Spring Fashion for Men in 2009, Jesus/gladiator sandals were going to be all the rage ("What Would Jesus Wear" NYT 2009 Spring Style Magazine pg 40). But then again, so were loafers.

Lo & Behold, Jesus fashion has more staying power than slip-ons for men. Jean-Paul Gaultier whipped out the Jesus look for 2010's Spring show as well. Sure, these looks may be meant for summer, or the Deep South, but if you're starting your winter beard, these Jesus shots should inspire - or intimidate - you.**

And Men - if you're going to wear your Jesus sandals into the fall to attract women who like to bath your sexy, giant feet with their luxurious hair - PLEASE - I beg of you - ditch the white knee high socks. You know what they say about guys who wear socks with their Jesus sandals.... right?

**Tortured-Soul Gaze not included!

Both pictures from The Huffington Post Article: Jesus Inspires Men's Fashion Week (6/25/10)

CLUSTERHUMPING FOR JESUS: For Those Who Believe There IS a Baby in the Bathwater

2010-08-04T17:38:00.000-05:00

Some would say I and other former fundagelical atheists do a disservice to Christianity. Christianity is NOT about being pro-war, anti-choice, pro-heterosexual, anti-feminism – all the things over which Anne Rice pulled her publicity stunt. Here at Hot-For-Jesus I’m nothing but publicity stunts – hence the millions of followers I have.

Christianity, according to many Christians, is given a bad name by fundamentalist, evangelical Christians. One shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water. We ex-Christians hear that argument a lot.

But wait a minute – I’ve done the Christianity that doesn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater and loved experiencing that progressive, liberal, optimistic, healthy perspective until I realized – THERE IS NO BABY IN THE BATH WATER!

Nevertheless, I also am aware that many former fundagelicals really dig hanging out with the progressive, optimistic Christians. To honor and humor the optimistic, progressive, Jesus is Love, Grace, Love, Grace, Love, I’m Spiritual – Not Religious crowd this Wednesday Clusterhump is dedicated to some big names that all ya’ll need to check out.
_________________________

Berger is Blogging! Yes, Peter Berger of the Sacred Canopy is now blogging. I got so excited to hear this from a blogging acquaintance on Twitter that I dug through my college essays, searching for the paper wherein I had referenced him.

You think my writing about Jesus and Religion/Spirituality started in ‘07? Think again. Come to find out, I’ve been writing Grade A essays on religion since 1997: “Rituals and the Delicate Balance of Head and Heart: But these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others.” Fuck yeah. (Thespians – catch the reference?)

I had to dig out my transcript but yes – I read Berger for a Sociology class. I thought it was for a Religion class – but hold on… this only gets better… it was for a Sociology of Religion class. Fuck yeah yeah yeah! Though the paper got an A, I got a B in the class. I don’t remember the class - final senior semester blur – but I DO remember Berger.

And Berger shook me to the core. He wrote about religion in a way that went above and beyond what had already tested my faith at the Norwegian Lutheran College. He is liberal, liberal Lutheran. When reading his blog I discovered he has a book dedicated to humor in religion/spirituality: Redeeming Laughter: The Comic Dimension of Human Experience. I don’t know what he would think of this blog – but if he were to visit Hot-For-Jesus it would be as good as a visit from royalty.

If you haven’t read Berger yet, please do! One of the gists of his sociological argument on religion being religion/Christianity was headed toward more enlightened times (@1967). This riled the pessimistic fundagelical in me. Tested – I was determined to come forth as gold. Ultimately – there was only one way – ONLY ONE WAY – and all those liberal Lutherans could shove it. But I quoted him lovingly in the essay.

For the sake of not throwing someone else's baby out with the bath water, I owe him and liberal Lutherans an apology. Liberal Lutherans have a head start on most Americans. I would hate to see them disappear. I am reigning myself in from quoting my quotations and summary of Berger. Another time. Same place.

Ok – so you’re all in the loop about Berger. Read his blog. Read his books.
__________________________________

Next – I’ve already dedicated a post to Solomon’s Porch but circumstances have encouraged me to mention the pastor there again. Doug Pagitt is the shit. (ha – how often do pastors hear that about themselves?) I follow him on Twitter and when he linked to a YouTube/Radio broadcast titled “Quitting Christianity?” I couldn’t help myself – having quit Christianity myself and been slightly confused by the whole Anne Rice debacle. Here’s the deal: Anne Rice still considers herself a follower of Jesus Christ – she just doesn’t have any respect for the institution.

News Flash: Even Fundagelicals despise the human imperfection of institutional Christianity. Doug Pagitt isn’t in the fundagelical camp – far from it. He’s more in the progressive, environmental, Grace/Love/Spirituality camp with visits to Solomon’s Porch from the likes of Jay "Grace" Bakker. When I quit Christianity, one of the biggest losses was not going to his amazing uber-hip, intellectual, artsy church.

Doug talks about the fact that while yes! he agrees with much of Rice’s critique – he is NOT quitting Christianity because he believes Christianity can do better. I hope he is right.

(after 6:00 in YouTube video)
"...it makes me nutty in the head because it makes me feel frustrated that... the more conservatives in every tradition tend to be the ones who keep hold and the people who want to be more Progressive and Thoughtful and Open tend to be ones who have to leave and I don't understand that..." I wish him luck.

I encourage all people who live in/near Minneapolis to visit Solomon's Porch, and those who can’t – to get to know Pagitt online or through his books - because like it or not this is the direction Christianity NEEDS to go. Pagitt has charisma and intelligence – a lethal combination. Hopefully he continues to use his talents for good and not evil.
_______________________________________

A book Pagitt might find helpful in understanding those of us who had to leave Christianity altogether was recommended to me by a young lady in the Former Fundamentalist group who also – ironically – last went to church at Solomon’s Porch.

I got the book Leaving The Fold by Dr. Marlene Winell about a week ago through interlibrary loan. When Marlene describes her own fundagelical background it’s like peeking into a parallel universe. Though I’ve only just started Chapter 3, this book is an absolute MUST for those who are dealing with the drama of leaving fundamentalism. Winell, a psychologist, is not about pressuring people into leaving Christianity or Spirituality or even Christ for good – but is about helping those who fully or partially leave Christianity to get a grip on reality minus an unhealthy “addiction to God” (39).

In some ways her book is so amazing that this Hot-For-Jesus blog is redundant next to her life work. But redundancy gets the job done sometimes – so this is me in my best infomercial redundancy saying, “If you are leaving fundamentalist, evangelical Christianity, please know that you are NOT alone. There are people out there who understand and are able to help. Respect yourself. Forgive yourself. Enjoy Life! Even Love this Life. Do whatever it takes to become healthy and whole – whether hanging out with the “Baby in the Bathwater” more liberal spirituality crowd above – or hanging out with full-blown happy heathens such as myself. Take Good Care of Yourself! You are worth it!”

!

That’s all I’ve got folks. Thanks for clusterhumping with me today. Let me know how happy you are to be here/there in the comments below.

GET MAD AT SIN!: or Get Thee to a Revival, Young Lady!

2010-07-27T22:42:00.018-05:00

I wondered what it would take to get me back into church after 8 backslidden years. I’ve plotted and speculated and daydreamed about what it would be like for me to listen to a sermon start to finish. I’ve avoided all church genres - whether my hipster Emerging church or my bible-thumping revival church or milquetoast rituals in a Midwestern chapel – and yes – rock concerts.

And then – a theatre reached out to me. Bryant Lake Bowl in Minneapolis has been the setting of many gatherings over the last eight years. I’ve bowled with family and friends. I’ve cheered on the performances of friends and strangers on the itty bitty stage while drinking good beer. I’ve brunched and first-dated more than my fair share at BLB.

And then last night Get Mad About Sin! came along.

Get Mad At Sin !
A Message to the Young People of Today
by Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart
as Preached at the First Assembly of God in Van Buren, Arkansas
a performance by Andrew Dinwiddie
directed by Jeff Larson

Brother Andrew channeled not only flawless vintage Jimmy Swaggart but reminded the mouth-gaping hipster audience of its religious heritage… a curse that we cannot take lightly.

imho

There’s no way I can convey the extent of my enthusiasm for this show. There is also no way I can claim to be an unbiased observer.

Less than a minute after I took my seat I had to get up to go get bar napkins just in case I’d need it for the tears that already choked my throat.

Before Andrew took the stage he played a mix of gospel hymns to which I found myself mouthing the words. I didn’t want to appear like an uncool crazy sympathizer so I stopped myself. Nevertheless I’ve been humming, whistling and singing “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms” for the last 24 hours.

Music is one of the most powerful tools of indoctrination out there. No wonder our Christian parents and grandparents feared rock & roll.

My verklempt eyes dried up soon after Andrew took the stage. He played the role to perfect-pitch perfection. Spit. Marriage ring. Sweat. Lunges. Finger pointing up. Finger pointing down. Tremor of the Holy Spirit in his voice. Again, I stopped myself from nodding in agreement and shouting Amen. Thankfully I found myself laughing instead of crying.

This is a fucking Revival, man. This is the real fucking thing. This is America. This is Christianity. This is US!

Pop Rock and Heavy Metal and Hip Hop are no match for the spirituals and hymns and gospel songs I suppress. While some of you sang along to Pet Shop Boys and Madonna and Michael Jackson and Aerosmith I was steeped in gospel music channeled through my dad’s suppressed jazz. For Christ’s Sake! - I moved to the Cities to write and perform Jesus music. Last night's musical overture made me feel like a crack addict getting a fix after 8 years of sobriety.

No. I won’t pretend to understand alcohol and drug addiction. But Swaggart did. He knew that so many “young people of today” struggled with addiction and lust and shame. He funneled that shame and fear and loneliness into his churches and bank accounts.

But what do I know? You probably know more about Swaggart than I do. I only heard what was available on Christian radio and my parents were skeptical of big name preachers BEFORE Swaggart and Bakker’s shit hit the fan. I have never seen his televised “I have sinned” confession. Living without a TV probably had as much influence on my Fundagelical background as the Bible itself.

I don’t know how Andrew Dinwiddie wowed the folks in NYC, but I knew I was in for a good time when he walked onto the stage and methodically opened the black shuttered windows of the BLB theatre so the audience could watch “the world” walk by. And then while “Life is Like a Mountain Railway” blasted he nonchalantly swung the stage door to the street wide open. The summer twilight poured in and people stopped to stare.

And then Brother Andrew/Jimmy started to preach:

“In your Bibles would you turn with me to Romans Chapter One, Verse TwentyOne.”

I felt naked. I can’t remember the last time I was in Church without my Bible in my lap.

For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God, or give thanks; but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures. Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, that their bodies might be dishonored among them. For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural . . . .

I have verses 22, 25, & 31 underlined in my Bible. Which ones are underlined in your Bible?

;)

I won’t give you a play-by-play of the monologue- sermon - performance, but suffice it to say Andrew nailed it. There were times I wanted to raise my beer in a toast and times when I laughed out loud and times when the expressions on the faces of the audience said almost as much as the performance – smirks, clenched jaws, gaping mouths, mirth, anger, horror, and “o – the irony.”

Ironically, Swaggart rarely mentioned Jesus. It was social commentary on turbulent postmodern times – back when Rock & Roll was still very much “of the Devil.” Topics covered: homosexuality, adultery, premarital sex, depression and pill popping, pharmaceutical companies, mini-skirts, STDs & the SDS, Vietnam, “one lovely young coed,” abortion, communism, drugs, alcohol, suicide, and a “permissive society.”

The most laughs came when Swaggart talked about his time “ministering” to beautiful young women - in hotel rooms.

I’d like to say you can watch it for yourself… but you can’t until further shows are booked. There are clips of a NYC performance floating around the web and a very favorable review in the NYTimes: Not Exactly Preaching to the Choir (6/2/10).

I went to observe myself as much as the theatrics of it all. The experience was frightening and cathartic...which is one definition of good theatre.

And for those of you who have never been to a revival meeting – it’s about damned time.

Tell me your Swaggart, televangelist, or revival story - Or so no one feels left out – the name of your favorite 1980’s sitcom.

Press Release for Get Mad at Sin!'s Chocolate Factory Theater performance in NYC.

ELISHA, ELIJAH, WIDOW & A JAR OF OIL: Bible Stories I Still Reference in Everyday Life

2010-07-22T20:25:00.003-05:00

While you were watching Electric Company and Full House this is a picture I would stare at and study for HOURS! See the tiny oil jar that filled up all the big jars?

The other day at work as I refilled the oil/lubrication bottles, I was informed that we had no more EVO/lube in the house beyond what was in the one tin.

I responded, "Maybe this oil will keep coming out of the tin like the miracle in the Bible where the widow is poor and doesn't have enough to feed her family and there is a miracle so she can keep pouring oil out of her little bottle and it never stops so she can make bread for her children and I'm pretty sure it is Old Testament but I'm blanking out - because this is kind of like a Jesus miracle - but I think it is OT when the woman keeps pouring oil and making bread till kingdom come so maybe we are about to experience a similar miracle and this tin will never stop pouring EVO. Wouldn't that be neat? Shoot. I think I'm mixing this miracle up with Jesus. I'm getting rusty. But I think there was bread too - and she kept making bread because the flour and oil never ended. So maybe that will happen too. Fuck - now I'm really confused. There was flour, right - not just oil?"

By this time - all interested parties had left the room or were looking at me out of the corner of their eyes - like - Is she going to hurt me?

I was waiting for someone to pipe up and quote the address of said miracle - but then I realized, I was surrounded by heathens!

(Apologies to the Catholic who didn't leave the room.)

This is one reason why I started the Former Fundamentalist group - for moments like this - so I could reference the miracle, someone could quote the address, another person could dissect the historical context of the miracle and then we all could have a good laugh and a swig of beer... and then discuss said miracle in entirely too much depth... "like a dog returning to its vomit."

:)

Elisha and the Widow: 2 Kings 4:1-7: Little oil jar that filled many big vessels which the widow sold to support her sons.

Elijah and the Widow: 1 Kings 17: 8-16: Oil and flour bowl that never emptied and fed Elijah and her household.

I remember sermons which compared the two miracles - endless bread - endless oil - Elijah vs Elisha vs Jesus. And o so many mundane interpretations such as 1. Don't doubt the extent of God's power - so if asked to get vessels to fill - get as many as possible - not just a few. 2. God will provide. 3. Don't doubt God's power. Oops I already said that one.

My favorite line? From the widow: "I have no bread, only a handful of flour in the bowl and a little oil in the jar; and behold, I am gathering a few sticks that I may go in and prepare for me and my son, that we may eat it and die."

THAT WE MAY EAT IT AND DIE!

I loved that tragic, fatalistic, woe-is-me shit in the Bible. Loved it! I loved how there were so many miracles where kind old men kept widows and their children from starving to death. These accompanied the George Muller story that my parents read to us and which Christian radio aired again and again and again... a Dickensian story where Muller is surrounded by orphans he rescued from the streets and they are starving to death and the little children keep asking, "Please sir, can I have some more?" but there is no more because there was no food to begin with so he tells the children to pray - so they all get down on their knees and pray and thank God for the food they are about to receive - although the cupboards were bare. Then there is a knock on the door and a baker is there with a bunch of bread. And then there is another knock on the door and there is a milkman whose cart broke down outside their door and needs to get rid of his milk.

God Will Provide.

Pray.

Ask, and you shall receive.

Christ in your heart will help you feed and fill the souls of many empty vessels.

A HOLY SHIT SIDE NOTE - GEORGE MULLER PREACHED HERE IN MINNEAPOLIS AT THE BAPTIST CHURCH THAT HAS JOHN PIPER AS CURRENT PASTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

So imagine my disappointment when my mother was widowed and no kind old men came to the door offering us bread, flour, oil or milk. Not that we starved to death. Far from it. But still - I was a little heartbroken that nothing but corrupt church politics came knocking.

These stories were also metaphors and prophecies for Christ's salvation. If you accepted Jesus into your life you would never be truly hungry or thirsty (spiritually) and he would provide no matter what.

I bake bread as a hobby - a skill I learned from watching my mom. It is one of the few spiritual practices I still enjoy but not because of these stories. Though my mother taught us that God would provide, in reality it was her Love that fed us.

READERS: What Bible story do you find yourself referencing in everyday conversation?

BREAKING NEWS: Jesus FINALLY Goes Mainstream Soft Porn!

2010-07-07T14:37:00.000-05:00

I'd be stupid to NOT blog about the Jesus spread in Portugal's Playboy.

Thumbs Up/Erect:
Jesus with Naked Ladies is a scripturally sound portrayal of him since he often came to the rescue of prostitutes, brunettes and adulterous women. Also - I was reminded to hunt down the book "The Gospel According to Jesus Christ" by Saramago.

Thumbs Down/Flaccid:
This Jesus is NOT hot... which is also probably "historically" accurate - but it sure bums me out. Why not a Playgirl spread with a Jesus worth getting on my knees for? Unfortunately this Jesus just looks like a geek who never grew out of his grunge phase, which probably makes a lot of Playboy subscribers feel right at home.

I take back the Playgirl spread suggestion. Doesn't Playgirl have more gay men subscribers than straight women? If Playboy is going to use Jesus as a prop at least make it look like he could actually get with the women in the photo shoot.

RELATED ARTICLES:
Jesus Graces Cover of Playboy Portugal [NSFW]: 7/10/2010 - more pics and commentary

MARRINA: 7/7/2010 - tumblr blog where I first saw my savior's face - in bed with another woman...

DRESSING ROOM JESUS - PART TWO: Hotter Than Ever...

2010-06-28T20:42:00.002-05:00

Today I took a fistful of my hooker cash into one of my thrift stores to check in on Dressing Room Jesus.

O Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. You are ever constant yet ever changing. Last time I saw You, You looked a little too pervy for my tastes... but now... when You look down on me with those Bedroom Eyes I suck in my gut, arch my back, toy with my hair and think, "Yeah - You're right, Jesus. These jeans do make my ass look big - but it is the ass You blessed me with and someday I'll learn to love it as much as You do. Thanks for loving all of me, Jesus - even my wobbly bits."

My glance fell to the floor - and Bonus! A hand-rolled extra-fancy cigarette hopefully with extra-fancy tobacco! Maybe I've been mistaking Jesus' Happy 4:20 Eyes for Bedroom Eyes. I hate it - not knowing if that fuck-me-look is natural or drug induced in a guy.

I gave it a sniff and realized it was just regular old tobacco - not the gate-way drug extra-fancy kind... but I kept it anyway. Obviously this was a sign from God that He wants me to start smoking.

Thank You Jesus!

When I left the dressing room, an old lady with the shakes and a tobacco drenched voice entered behind me and I overheard her exclaim, "Now isn't HE cute?!"

Yes, my dear. And always up for a Good Time.

RELATED POSTS:
DRESSING ROOM JESUS: Signs of the Times - H4JFF - 3/23/08

Bedroom Eyes - H4JFF - 12/2/07

Is Pride About Having God on Your Side?

2010-06-27T07:50:00.004-05:00

First off - Happy Pride! There are so many people in my life who have inspired me with their openness and honesty about their Lust, their Love and their Friendships. Without their display of courage and pride it's likely this blog would be non-existent. Thank you for the encouragement to speak out!

Second off - Same drama, extra channels. Last year I briefly mentioned the people arrested for passing out Bibles in the park during Pride festivities. They are back this year with a judge's approval. According to the Minneapolis Star Tribune, the original offender - Brian Johnson - is not the "Christian missionary" attracting all the crowds. John Chisham is stealing his thunder... preaching against homosexuality while Johnson more or less quietly passes out free Bibles.

Evangelist at Pride Fest is taken in stride: Star Tribune 6/26/2010

PRIDE AFTERGLOW: Is it just me or does the sky look green: H4JFF 7/1/2009

Third off - Christians come in all stripes and there is a hefty bunch of Christian churches and individuals who embrace the LGBTQ community with open arms. This is a double-edged sword - because churches need money. Just like Target has a booth or two at the festival, the churches surrounding the park would be stupid to turn their backs on loud and proud gay men and women. Just look at the ads in the Twin Cities Lavender magazine. Advertising targeted at gay men and women is HUGE money around these parts. Unfortunately for every church that preaches love and acceptance and adds a little extra padding to their coffers, there is a church that preaches love and sin from the same book - and gains financial support for doing so.

Who are we kidding? Liberal Christians and churches enable the less enlightened Christian fundagelicals. It makes for good drama - watching queens debate assholes about who has God on their side.

I'm thankful that Minnesota Atheists have the right to pitch tents during Pride. If we take away the right for the God-filled to be there, we will have to take away the right of the godless to be there - and in that case - Loring Park would be empty - and it would be a lot easier for me to get my morning coffee and get to the bus stop.... hmmm.

AntiGay Lutheran Pastor Protests Too Much: Lavender Magazine

Fourth off - MN Representative Michele Bachmann. She also inspired the creation of this blog. Her husband also works as a Christian counselor. His clinic, Bachmann & Associates, is reported to have received state funds, $$,$$$, to provide mental health services for the downtrodden.

The irony? Michele Bachmann HATES Big Government. It's pure political hypocrisy. Beyond church-state separation ickiness (the government giving money to people to say My God is bigger than Your God) the first 2007 article I read about Bachmann suggested her husband's counseling services included strategies to straighten out the bent. Is government money going to a clinic that supports anti-gay counseling?

Bachmann's Christian counseling clinic receives state funds: 6/4/10. The Minnesota Independent

Bachmann's Christian Counseling Business Gets Public Funds: 6/13/2010 Science Blogs

Fifth off - Have you not gotten off yet? Time to whip out the big guns.

SEXY SUNDAY: Name Your Poison - Jesus or 1554 New Belgium Englightend Black Ale with a Knob Creek Chaser?

2010-06-06T12:20:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I walked into my coffee shop and encountered a weekly phenomenon… a line to beat all lines of about 20 thugged-out boys in their mid to late teens with their adult male counselors. They saw me at the tail end and encouraged me and another civilian to go to the front of the line. We civilians hesitated… we can wait in line. But they insisted and formed an opening for us to walk through and ahead – encouraging us to the front – insisting we budge ahead. This act of human kindness, Minnesotan or not, cannot go unsung.

At the front of the line, one of the boys explained to the other civilian – “We’re from the Minnesota Teen Challenge – a Christian chemical counseling group. We have all sorts of politicians visit us. We do this every week, get coffee and walk around the park. Don’t worry about budging. It’s all good.”

I of course, being Xtine of hotforjesusformerfundie who did a shit-ton of research on Faith Based Initiatives/Organizations last semester, I perked up at the descriptor “Christian.” With caffeine in hand, I plopped down on a park bench, whipped out my BB and found out entirely too much information. So here I am 24hrs later, same place – same drug (caffeine). The fact that a few very hot adult male counselors circulate through the group is not going to stop me from passing on the information I stumbled upon as a result of that random act of kindness. Here’s to loose lips sinking ships.

6/24/09 MN Teen Challenge target of church-state complaint: Minnesota Independent

1/19/10 Faith-Based Funding for Teen Challenge Stirs Debate: Christianpost.com

Want the quickie? From the second CP article : “Teen Challenge says its mission is to help youths and adults overcome drug and alcohol problems by applying biblical principles with the hopes people can be mentally, emotionally, socially, physically, and spiritually healthy.” – Assemblies of God biblical spiritually, fyi. They are reported to have received about 10 million dollars from the federal, state and local governments.

If this were a Muslim group doing the same work, would we be disturbed? Shoot – I forget – Islam is the religion of Peace and Christianity is the religion of Love. “It’s all good.” Right?

Beyond state-funded proselytizing, the reason FBOs draw criticism, and one of the main criticisms with the MNTeen Challenge, is that they only hire like-minded Christians. That’s government funded religious discrimination.

Why does this group get so many kudos and photo-ops with politicians? Because of its 80-90% success rate at sobering kids up and keeping them off the juice.

Of course they have that high rate of success. The fear of eternal damnation or choice of eternal heavenly reward, a life-long imaginary best friend, the creation of fellowship, community and family, talk therapy – which many churches are awesome at – why wouldn’t someone stick with the program? It’s one thing to have adults choose between damnation or thousands of virgins in heaven to keep them sober, but sending federal money to a group that pushes this philosophy on kids too young to vote is not okay. For those of you who have spent any time in an Assemblies of God church – they mean BUSINESS about Hell versus Heaven… $10million dollars worth of business.

I have a bone to pick with most AA/NA groups too… and I do so fully aware that I have friends that would have stayed down the rabbit hole without it… or worse. I know people who have turned into Jesus Freaks in AA and others who have found a new relationship with a Higher Power/God/The Universe. One of the few Higher Power explanations that doesn't make me squirm is a best friend who describes the Higher Power as the Group itself – the humans - the people who surround and support him in his much-needed journey.

Alcohol was entirely missing from my life as a Christian. My born-again dad gave up boozing when he gave up jazz for Jesus. One of his sayings – right along with practice makes closer to adequate and by Grace am I saved... was “Never Take The First Drink!” I was so steeped in the Evils of Alcohol that even at the age of 4, upon finding a bottle of a neighbor's home-made wine in the fridge, a gift to my parents, I FREAKED OUT!!! Crying, sobbing, I was sure I was going to lose my family because if my parents drank the wine our family would fall apart. The reaction from me and my siblings was so strong that my parents threw it out.

Someone pointed out that my father may have been a Dry Drunk. I would venture to say that born-again churches are wall-to-wall dry drunks… people who are sober and have Jesus in their hearts plugging the hole that alcohol, drugs, sex, food, music used to fill. I learned to be self-righteous and smug about my “Never Take The First Drink” no-drinking Baptist sobriety. Post college, fellow thespians got me drunk at a wrap party and I learned to enjoy alcohol and Jesus – but until I entirely left Jesus did I learn to enjoy the guilt-free principles of moderation. Sometimes I drink too much. Sometimes I write too much. The important thing is, I've learned my limits. I respect my body and mind. I've gotten the rebellion of drinking out of my system. Some alcoholics think everyone is an addict – much like some religions think everyone is a sinner. “I’m an alcoholic” is a sister phrase to “I am a sinner.”

For some alcoholism IS a Disease. It can kill, maim, and hurt. For some there is no Moderation button. As someone who makes money off of encouraging people to eat, drink and be merry, as a yogi, I can only conclude that one’s relationship with alcohol is personal and worthy of examination and awareness… much like sex, religion, and food. We all have our addictions. We’re all human. Know Thyself. Love Thyself. Forgive Thyself. Get help if you need it!

So – yeah – I’m pissed off about the government giving $$$$$$ to a chemical dependency program that only hires Assemblies of God kosher Christians and teaches “biblical spirituality” to people under the age 18. I’m NOT pissed off that kids get their lives back – their bodies back. I am pissed that we think that it is okay to federally fund Salvation programs. Go ahead – read up on the history of the MnTeen Challenge… but most telling – read up on the Testimonials – and then tell me this isn’t state-funded religion.

What an Imaginary Friend we have in Jesus – all our sins and griefs to bear.

RELATED LINKS:

FAITH-BASED INITIATIVES: Feeding the Poor by Executive Order of the King.

Buy What Would Jesus Drink T-Shirt.

What Up?

2010-06-03T16:33:00.000-05:00

I've been busy avoiding opening my computer during this short-lived summer since classes finished. Multi-tasking is a bitch and it seems I'm drawn to blog most when other things require my attention online. Besides working my corner, working hard for my money, I do have a couple God-related points I can share from the last few weeks.

1. Former Fundamentalists (Twin Cities/Minnesota) has met for the first time!!!! A second gathering is scheduled next week. It's a diverse group of people and I look forward to meeting more people who are ready to tell their story. For all those peeps in the Bible Belt - living in the midst of extreme ridiculousness... my heart goes out to you... but I gotta say - we northerners have our own tales of woe about Christianity - in part because it is such a well-kept secret - living in the liberal north. We have our bonuses - formerly AMAZING education system and social services and "tolerance" and WELLSTONE! due to Prairie Home Companion ( i loathe that show btw) style Lutheran liberalism. But as Minnesota straddles purple, if we Northerners recognize the need to debrief from our former fundagelical ways, every state south of us has no excuse to NOT create a support system for those who have left hard-core religion. So - I encourage you to GET ON IT! Look into starting your own face-to-face support system and then tell me about it!

2. Red-headed Jesus. Paint a mental picture. I have a mental picture - but I wouldn't want to compete with your mental picture... so we'll just keep it mental - and enjoy ourselves.

3. O. I finally watched "Devil's Playground" - good stuff. You should watch it too. And Haggard is at it again. Mucking around with starting another church. Beyond "Jesus Camp" you can find him in "Friends of God" and "Constantine's Sword" -- which is an under-watched jem. Those three docs should have you all haggarded out - but wait there's more... I have yet to watch at least 2 other Haggard-flavored documentaries... but I have all the time in the world for that... Lord willing, of course...

Ted Haggard to start a new church in Colorado Springs (AP)

Time to hop on my bike and go back out into the real-world.

Evangelical Arkeologists Meet Their Match - OR - David Foley is God

2010-05-07T11:56:00.006-05:00

O let us bow down before Kids in the Hall. Alongside Leonard Cohen, Aimee Semple McPherson (Foursquare Church founder/hussy) and Joni Mitchell, Kids in the Hall make me wish I knew what's in the water up there in O Canada. When I win the lottery I'll probably move to Vancouver, BC. Thought I should give you the heads-up.

Back before our family helped start the Southern Baptist Church in Northern Minnesota, our church-shopping spree found us driving up over the border every Sunday to a Mennonite church in Manitoba. Bearded men in suspenders and women with covered heads and floor length dresses everywhere - most of whom drove cars. Very, very nice people. They always made sure someone claimed our family for Sunday dinner. My mom still talks about how their Christian hospitality stands out from the swarm of churches we attended. My parents trended legalistic - but not that legalistic. The trip over the border was a little inconvenient even though the border guards learned to recognize us on Sundays. Shipping a van full of young kids over country lines made everyone squirm back in the days when black-market kidnapping was coming to light. My dad - always the comedian - had to bite his tongue during those crossings - and we all were on our very best behavior - which was required of us anyway ... but anywho ...

Those gosh-darn (Japanese?) Evangelical Christian archeologists.... They're at it again. Noah's Ark, ay?! At last!

I'll have to go back to believing in the Old Testament Jewish God instead of the Epic of Gilgamesh. shoot. Mark over at Proud Atheists brought this to my attention. And yes - I'm pretty well versed in the apologetic, creationist explanation that supports this discovery. I'll save it for a rainier day...

But I'd love to hear what David Foley has to say about this. Probably something along the lines of... (out of context) ..."Now I know that these views are going to be controversial, but I'm also aware that if Christina Applegate were to express them wearing a halter-top - you'd eat it up."

Enter Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and assorted Christian beauty queens Stage Left....

SEXY SUNDAY: I Have NO Shame - circa 198?

2010-04-11T14:56:00.006-05:00

Dear Sunday Reader,
I've been spring cleaning and came across one of my many journals from way, way back. Is the Old Christine evident? Yes - the Old Christine crushed on boys like mad - while at church - and went into a great deal of description of what she wore to Sunday night services. If I'm not mistaken, the service that I describe below is the night we watched The Cross and the Switchblade. Sunday mornings - only dresses. But Sunday nights - watch out! And you may be thinking - how low can she go - copying her own treasured journal entries that she held sacred and created curses for those who might read them? If you haven't noticed yet, this site demonstrates that I have no/few sacred cows - and though I may have thought I was one - I was not sacred - nor was I a cow. Enough ado about nothing... Enjoy.
-names mutilated to protect identities-

Aug. 31, 198* {11:11PM}

Dear Journal,

(Blah,blah,blah ... irrelevant... okay – relevant…)

Now this thing I tould you about Ernest was when I had a crush on him. Crushes never last to long and this one didn’t either. Now I have a crush on 2 boys in a way. Let me tell you how it happened.

It all started when we stopped going to the church with NoNames. Now we go the Kinky Conference Baptist Church. The first Sunday we went there the guy who handed out the bulletins was the one I had a crush on first. His name is Such&Such and really cute. He’s going into the 11th grade, so he’s probably to old for me because I’m going into the 7th grade. Last Sunday night (yesterday) I wore a new sweat shirt and my new shoes. The sweatshirt is yellow and red and white and says Advanced in Class then in a sort of coat of arms it says University of Paris, then on the other side it says Sarrbone in bold print. Its the kind of shirt thats in style. Then I wore blue jeans that are baggey. The sweat shirt is baggy too. Then I wore tan socks rolled up over the bottom of my jeans. The white shoes were a kind of hightop that’s in style. The night before mom gave me a perm and now my hairs in style in a way. More than before. I wore the powder blush for first time in public. The colors are these…

(pink peachy flesh colors)

It’s called Perfect Peach. Then on my lips I wore lip gloss called Kissing Stick. It makes your lips shine like they’re wet and stay like that for abut an hour.

I looked actually pretty. Anyway, Such&Such during the service kept on looking directly at me for as long as he dared. On both sides of him sat two boys his age or older that looked at me to a lot espialchly the one on his right. I know they were looking at me and I’m not liaing. I think they thouhgt that I was maybe a year or to older then I am. Not that I’m that fat that I’m inbetween, actually I weight ???lb. and thats is quite a lot. I have been losing some pounds though. Mom says we’re bigboned. Such&Such, knows that I’m going into 7th though because he has a cousin named Crabby and a sister named Sorry that are the same age as me. I found out yesterday that I’m pretty in a quiet way. Such&Such + the 2 other guys probably have different girlfriends but maybe not. The other boy I have a crush on is So&So. All these guys are from a different church in Kinky exept Such&Such. So&So is probably in the 8th or 9th grade maybe 10th. Crabby says that he’s her boyfriend but I don’t know if he likes her. Such&Such and So&So are both cute but Such&Such is the kind I like the best.

If you want to put it this why Such&Such is innocently cute with sandy color hair and red cheeks and dimples. Another thing that makes him cute is the way he moves in sort of clumsy way. So&So is more a different cute then Such&Such. Hes paler and has almost white hair but is cute, but not as much as Such&Such. Such&Such’s grin is really cute. Actually he’s everything I’ve dreamed of. I don’t know if I’m in love or not but I have a feeling all its every going to be is a crush but I wish it wouldn’t be because I don’t see why the boys fall for the girls that are ugller then me but paint there faces to make them look cute. I would just love it if he even showed more interest in me and not any painted girl. He’s kind of quiet and innocent.

As much as I’ve seen of the Kinky boys, the Honky (*hometown) boys are dogs. But Such&Such is still cutest of all the boys I ever seen.

(…irrelevant…)

At 12:43 I think its time to quit. I write as soon again as I feel up to it.

(…irrelevant...)

Such&Such reminds me of the ‘50s + early ‘60s guys. He is one crush I don’t know when I’ll get over him.

Christine Realname.

PS. Anyone who reads this other than me, woe be unto you.

_______
Dear Sunday Reader,
I have realized that I have not given my conversion story -and this journal entry above, believe it or not, is after the fact - so that is on my agenda. But yes - I may stoop this low again - or may not - but damn - I didn't know how to shut up then - and don't know how to shut up now.
Have a lovely...
Xtine.

Clusterhumping For Jesus: Uniting Former Fundies with Skillz with People Who are like "WTF?"

2010-04-07T13:36:00.005-05:00

I think we're off to a good start with the clusterhumping among atheists, agnostics, deconverts and Elvis. Still open to ideas. Still hoping all ya'll continue to get to know each other and discover what you like in a clusterhump.

Today I'm going to introduce you to a young woman and a young man... both ex fundies, evangelicals and Christians to one degree or the other.

First up, and a long time coming, S. Tyler Hendrix. If my memory serves me right, this young man contacted me about a year ago via the de-conversion site. Am I right, dear? Well - he has roots in the Church of Christ - the type that doesn't allow instruments during the worship service. He also went to a Christian college of some sort. My only relationship with the instrument-free Church of Christ was that my parents avoided that denomination because my dad had Mad Skillz as a musician. Though he had left jazz behind for gospel he wouldn't have survived long without being able to whip his sax out. Or the Hammond Organ. Same with my mum. She grew up accompanying hymns in the Baptist Church on organ and piano. Nope - Church of Christ would NOT have been a good fit.

But let's get back to business. Enough about me. I know. Like Srsly.

S. Tyler Hendrix is more than just a recovering Christian. He is somewhere between humanist and atheist - and he is all the where a Writer with Mad Poetry Skillz. I like that he doesn't get his jock-strap in a bunch fuming about politics or religion. He leaves that for the likes of me. He authors 3 blogs - my two favorites being How to Keep the Sun Out of Your Eyes and Dark Skies. Naked lady pic alert on the first one. He dedicates his Hump Day to a Sexy Word of the Week - and I love it. Sunday Zen is a nice touch too. The Dark Skies is his poetry. And I love that site too. Self-described modernist. Seriously - keep an eye on this guy. He's not fucking around when it comes to Life, Love and Poetry - and I would love to have the honor of saying - I knew him back in the day.

Next, Ex-Fundie blogs at ExFundamentalist. She comes from a Fundamentalist Baptist background and has self-proclaimed "AWESOME MSPAINT SKILLZ!!" I truly enjoy her creative use of these skillz and am happy to see she is adept at the use of Brother and Sister. One of my favorite posts is Separate and Unware which tracks the evolution of a modern woman to a fundamentalist floor-length dress-wearing subservient Sister. I've been in Baptist churches that require women to wear dresses at all times, but by the time I was exposed to the dress-only Baptists I had made it through college and was headed toward a more progressive Christianity. My Jesus Posse however, were survivors of Pillsbury College in Owatonna. I lived across the street from the college, attended the church a few times (family ties) and felt just a little smug and just a little guilty about having escaped the dress wearing fate. Anywho. Ex-Fundie. Take a gander.

Last point before I rush off to work and homework and Jeepers! look at the time!

Recovering Fundamentalists. It's a fairly new site... and I would like to dedicate more time to schmoozing about it - so until then - you're going to have to do your own legwork. They are on Facebook too. Of course.

More information about the Jesus hottie above will be forthcoming. He's a beaut.

Besides yourself (and I hope to plug others I'm getting to know) who is your favorite ex-fundie, ex-christian blogger, poet, (MS)painter?

And Jesus said, "Lay Down Your Weapons and Follow Me"

2010-03-30T21:19:00.000-05:00

My reaction to Apocalyptic Christian Militia in Michigan?

Tip of the iceberg.

My parents didn't want any of us to be stupid about guns. We were never allowed to play with toy guns. We were never allowed to use our fingers as guns and say Bang. We were never allowed to go out into the woods during deer season unless we had a really, really good excuse and only if we were in orange and within calling distance. And we, the first 4 or 5 at least, went through gun training during elementary.

Ironically, the ONLY swear word derivative we were allowed to say was "SHOOT!" So in that respect, there was a lot of shooting going on in our household.

One of my rites of passage was taking that gun safety class with the rest of my classmates during the summer between 5th and 6th grade. I still have a firearm endorsement on my DL.

But I hated guns. Liked target practicing, but hated guns. Loved the compound bow and arrow, but hated guns.

Everyone in town took that gun class. It was Deer Country. But did my classmates have apocalyptic dreams/nightmares where their family fended off a world gone to hell?

I still have those dreams.... nightmares that would be wet-dreams to the Christian militia. Before Jesus comes again, all hell may break loose. The US, Civilization, Morals, will unravel, and the only way to protect the people and things you love is to be armed and ready.

Where did I come across this shitty information? I'm happy to point my finger at the Southern Baptist Church, Assembly of God, various sermons, kitchen-table talk and a hard-core Wednesday night Bible study on the book of Revelations.

These dreams are just my brain's way of dealing with stress, memory, and the unknown.

My parents were borderline pacifists, despite the mixed messages about guns. "Never, EVER, even PRETEND to point a gun at someone." My Dad probably would have dashed for the border if he had been drafted into Vietnam - but thank god for flat feet and high blood pressure!

Does my family stockpile weapons? Fuck no.

But if the government thinks that taking one group out is going to fix the problem - o boy o boy o boy - this is where my dedication to optimism fails me.

I'm continually optimistic that young men and women will turn their backs on a life that puts more trust in their guns than in their gods... and for them to know the difference. I'm optimistic that people will walk away from churches and sects that preach apocalyptic nightmares. I'm continually optimistic that once these young men and women leave apocalyptic sects, that there will be people on the other side to welcome them, packing heat that only comes from the heart.

To put a positive spin on this sad Michigan story - I would love to hear an optimistic story from you... and frankly - I don't care what about. Change the subject. Change the story.

RELATED ARTICLE:

Christian militia plotted US uprising.

SEXY SUNDAY: You MUST Be Born Again!!!

2010-03-28T12:53:00.002-05:00

There has been a request for more representations of hot female former fundies. The young lady above is crazy smart - and crazy brave. I don't care if you think she is hot or not. We women know that sometimes the only way to get people to listen is to sexualize our message. I stand guilty. I also know it gets old. If you've watched more recent videos of Laci, gogreen18 (she vlogs under many accounts depending on topic and year), you'll notice that her message has become much more upbeat. She embraces and does not apologize for her woman-ness. Reading her vlogs' comments, it is evident that some people can't see past her looks. There are so many feminist approaches to this dilemma I honestly don't know where to start - but I fully admire and respect her message, her wisdom, her candor.

I first saw Laci this last year in a YouTube video about atheism. According to the deconversion video above, she was baptized into the Mormon Church at the age of 8. She talks about her feelings then and how she tried to be a better Christian as she grew - doubting her faith - doubting her salvation - doubting and trying harder. She voices something I've mentioned here - the fear that once we died - before or after the Rapture - that we would be separated from our family if we didn't believe.

Separation anxiety was only one factor in my indoctrination. A heartbreaking scenario for any person, any age - the possibility of losing loved ones in death. But for kids under the age of 16 without a driver's license, despite their faults, you love and need your family more than anything in the universe. Or at least I did.

I grew and matured in my faith - knowing that my reaction to being afraid of being separated from my family was an immature basis for my faith.

"I was a normal kid.... but somehow - somehow they had convinced me that I wasn't good enough and because I wasn't good enough I may not see my family again." Laci.

In addition to being encouraged to believe - often from a place of true parental love - I was taught that many people who thought they were Christians were probably not Christians. When I saw this video, but especially the one below, I had moments where I realized : These girls were never truly saved to begin with!

Say what?

Yep. Were they taught the plan of salvation - the Roman Road? If one truly believes that Christ died for your sins, that by Grace you are saved, thru faith, a gift of God, not of yourself, not of works, less any man should boast, - if you made that personal deep-souled decision on your own, in your own heart, in your own time, went forward on your own, was baptized on your own, then - though I can't see your heart - you were probably saved.

However, if you just thought you were a Christian because your parents baptized you - whether as an infant or as an 8 year old (Mormons) then you probably did not make a Personal decision, did not realize your own sinful nature on your own, have not been born-again.

I've only started to explain my conversion... but that is what is at the heart of fundagelicalism. My salvation wasn't about "being good." "Being good" means nothing beyond by your fruits ye shall know them. I see many fundagelical holes in these two ladies explanation of their faith.

Should it matter? Does it matter any more? No - if the person doesn't find themselves in a vulnerable place where they have a honest-to-God born-again experience. But for those who never had the born-again experience, never realized that works/being good is NOT ENOUGH, never known Forgiveness/Grace - born-again fundamentalist evangelicals could care less about their deconversion because they were never saved in the first place.

Go to YouTube for the second video, Life after Jesus, and read all the comments. I'm not the only evangelical fundie on to her lack of salvation. She's a sitting duck.

Does my understanding of being born-again negate the logic, experience and explanation of these ladies? Hell no!

It merely brings to light for me how I was taught to recognize the weaknesses in other people's faith, how I was taught to both accept other people's claim to salvation because only God knew the heart and yet doubt other people's salvation based on holes in their testimony.

The beauty about being born-again is that mean, bad people can go to heaven and good, nice people very well might burn in hell. My born-again, baptized faith which evolved and matured gave me mad skills at identifying poseurs. News-flash!:!: being a poseur is a sin onto itself. And yes - I'm not impressed with you, Dear Reader, or the donkey you came in on.

Just kidding. :D

Or am I?

A'ight. PEACE.
____________________________________

RELATED H4JFF POSTS:

SPEAKING WORDS OF WISDOM: There's Something About Mother Mary

MY ORIGINAL SIN: Nature vs Nurture, Part II

1st Ever Cluster-Hump Wednesday for Those of Little or No Faith

2010-03-24T03:00:00.000-05:00

Raise your hand if you used to go to Bible Study/Youth Group on Wednesday Nights. Okay. So now with your other hand grab the closest atheist/agnostic/skeptic/deconvert and commence clusterhumping.

Inspired by commenter Judas, “You atheists can all go clusterhump yourselves,” I have decided to do just that – facilitate clusterhumping among atheists, agnostics, skeptics, humanists, freethinkers, secular humanists, deconverted – um – who else can I fit in this arrangement – o yes – yogis are pretty flexible so let’s include them too. And of course Jesus. Jesus can bring the wine.

As I hone the scope and purpose of these clusterhumping sessions, (to hyphen or not to hyphen?) I will start by doing what bloggers do best – linked shout-outs to other online resources.

The networking site of ThinkAtheist is smaller than AtheistNexus and much more approachable. I prefer ThinkAtheis t. So check them out.

Do you have a vagina? Are your balls internally located making you less insecure about losing them?

If so, and you are an atheist/agnostic woman, Reinette Renee started a Facebook Group just for Atheist/Agnostic Women. The world is still a sexist place. Come to find that atheists and agnostics are no exception to the rule of snubbing women. This is not to say that all or most atheists are sexist, or that all atheists should be feminists, but it is to say that sexism does exist among non-believers – even among female non-believers – so any little bit to rally the troops, circle the wagons, support, empower and encourage other women and girls who Choose not to Believe in patriarchal religions is important and unfortunately necessary.

To some a page for only women may be considered sexist. I’m guessing if you make a good argument for your inclusion in the group, regardless of sex, you will not be turned away – but I’m not sure. Only one way to find out.

Do you have a penis? Do your ovaries hang low, do they wobble to and fro?

If so – and are feeling snubbed by the good-old-girls club described above, you can still become a Fan of Atheist/Agnostic Women on Facebook. Yes – a Fan Page! Just what you’ve always wanted to join!

!

Not Facebooked Out yet? Consider participating in 'A' Week on Facebook which goes from Monday March 29th to Tuesday, April 6th by putting the Scarlet A as your profile picture. I chose not to participate last year, and may or may not participate this year, but to encourage unencumbered clusterhumping I am bringing this to your attention.

Next, if you live in the Twin Cities (Minnesota) and are interested in getting together with like-minded people, a long time ago I put out feelers for a Meetup Group for Former Fundies. I've since met with one interested party and finally started an official page today!: Former Fundamentalists (Twin Cities/Minnesota). If interested either go to the Meetup page or email me: cvyrnon (at) gmail.com. I would love to expand to a circle – or a triangle. Those deprogramming from meeting 3 or more times a week with like-minded Christians may feel a little un-anchored or just want to compare experiences, theology or beer/coffee. May I say... fellowship? Eww. I just cringed.

Finally, I would like to give a blogger nod to a young man I recently discovered. Chris Stedman seems nice enough (inside Minnesotan joke) and deserves a look-see. As a self-described secular humanist, and atheist?, he’s called out those nasty, mean-spirited atheists who may do more harm than good. Chris started a writing project, Share Your Secular Story, and is looking for submissions about an experience where you had a positive secular interaction. Go and read his blog, NonProphet Status, and see that it is Good.

For my not-so-brief coming-out as a self-described empathetic atheist on my blog, you’re welcome to wade through "I'M COMING OUT, ONE DAY AT A TIME."

I feel like I’m missing something.

O yes. A sacrilegious depiction of Jesus. Every good Cluster-Hump needs a little libation. Have at it. Vintage 2005.

Sorry if that ruined your mojo. I’ll be more sensitive to your feelings during the next Cluster-Hump.

Suggestions for future clusterhumping? I might be receptive to your advances. Only one way to find out....

Cluster-Humping 'til Kingdom Cum: Watch This Fucking Awesome Video!

2010-03-17T23:57:00.002-05:00

I found this video interview of Dr. Marlene Winell at Debunking Christianity. It's not exactly bodice-ripping material (Dr. Marlene Winell speaks about indoctrination by authoritarian religion) but for me this is Some Seriously Good Shit. And when I say it's Some Seriously Good Shit - I'm mean it's Some Seriously Good Shit. I recommend that you hit play and listen in the background. The interaction is kind of stilted - but I make this shallow remark because I hate cameras and don't have the guts (yet) to do what these ladies do in this video.

I hope this goes a little way in helping others get in the heads of those who try - or don't know how - to get Out. Walking Away from Fundagelicalism is usually easier said than done.

________________________
The Cutest Thing I've Read All Day? "You atheists can all go clusterhump yourselves." -Judas- found in the comments of Daniel Florien's blog, Unreasonable Faith, about Michele Bachmann.

Clusterhump. So much more titillating than Cluster-fuck. I love it.

Clusterhump.

I think I'll dedicate Wednesdays to Clusterhumping.

ClusterHump Wednesdays.

Wish Me Luck.

The New Trinity: Jesus/Darwin/Hunk

2010-03-15T01:00:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I watched "Darwin's Darkest Hour." I learned a thing or two, shed a tear or two (little children dying is never easy to watch - give me a break) and got a decent dose of Lusting into the mix. Thank goodness I waste time watching the extras or I would not have caught Henry Ian Cusick's throw-off comment that he had already played Jesus, so why not Darwin.

I had planned to mention the Darwin film here anyway, but once I started looking into it - downward spiral - and this is what I have to show for it.
Damn - this man - this god - this Jesus - has a way of making the gutter look very, very attractive. Hunk. Hunk. Hunk. Hunk.

And to justify my lust - if you think my Jesus blog is pathetic, then what do you have to say about the site where this pic originated... the Henry Ian Daily? Hmmm?

Yeah - I thought so.

For those here for the eye-candy only - time to get off the bus. For those with slightly longer attention spans or nothing better to do, grab another cup of joe. Or whoever you drink this time of day.

Back to Darwin. Interesting fellow. Interesting dilemma. Today I had an interesting discussion with someone about social Darwinism. We agreed that "survival of the fittest" has been "a gross oversimplification that has been bastardized."

Can something be a grossly oversimplified bastardization?

On this blog - yes.

E: The real beauty about evolution, if you'd like to get political about it... would be that only by working together, by a symbiosis, we achieve greater things
Me: So cooperation - not competition is at the heart of evolution
E: Co-operation against a hostile environment
yes
Me: Hmmm cooperation against a hostile environment - against death basically
E: Without working together, we'd still be primordial sludge instead of multi-cellular organisms

I include this - because - well - I get tired of conservatives, capitalists, competitors, survival of the fittests tossing about the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" line. Competition is God for them. And I get tired of liberals going belly-up and soft instead of growing a pair. Then I get tired of conservatives slapping liberals about once they DO grow a pair saying liberals can't do that. Liberals are supposed to play Nice. Conservatives don't have to play Nice so liberals concede again and again.

In an unrelated conversation I had the opportunity to discuss this dilemma - that beyond liberals and conservatives being the same thing, different day - that liberal socialists constantly get walked on politically - because we are so fucking Nice. And where does Niceness get us? Michelle Bachmann and the Tea Party is where it gets us. I should know. I live in the land of Nice... and a lot of good that's been doing us. Bachmann/Pawlenty/Coleman is who's been Doing us.

Sob Story Time!!!

I was 14 when my dad died. I became an expert on what the Bible says about widows and orphans and the church's role but Quick. We went from being a freakishly large, freakishly talented, borderline Luddite family with a Very Strong Patriarch to being a freakishly large, freakishly talented, borderline Luddite family with no patriarchal head. The ladies outnumbered the gents. And we were pretty poor. And socially conservative. And decidedly Christian.

We went from being a sect onto ourselves to being a spiritual burden on whatever church we happened to attend - which ended up being a small town BGC church - Baptist General Conference (Swedish Baptist). John Piper, Bethel College, for fellow religion nerds out there.

Through it all we continued to tow the Republican line. It was when Rush Limbaugh first made his splash... when Welfare Queens were demonized for buying pints of Haagen-Dazs ice cream with their welfare checks, when Single Mothers embodied all that was horrible and rotten in our society. We weren't on welfare, but we were dependent on the government - and the graces of our most liberal christian grandmother who was without a doubt The Matriarch.

Churches went from drooling over the pew-filling brood, the envy of every patriarchal Quiver Full Promise Keeper, to being very uncomfortable around the single, widowed mother in their midst. We got to the very core about what it meant to be a Christian... and though they begged for money to send to missions all over the world, our family represented - well - a dilemma in their midst. That's when I first began to appreciate the more liberal Christians - the Competitive Sport Do-Gooders. The churches we attended were much more focused on Saving Souls than Shoveling Snow.

It made me uncomfortable, knowing that we made fellow Christians uncomfortable. But the treatment we did and did not receive from the Church did not test my faith. If anything I learned how hard it was for people to walk-the-walk, and I was very forgiving. It wasn't their fault we didn't have a dad.

And we girls learned very quickly that though our status plummeted without a father, we didn't need a Man to survive in the world. I still haven't figured out how to make a guy feel needed... no matter how much I may want them.

Ok - what does all this have to do with Darwin? Social Darwinist Republicans pretty much put us in the camp of Sink or Swim. Tax dollars shouldn't have to go to pay for someone else's well-being. Taxes shouldn't exist!

I distinctly remember the day when my older sister said something about how heartless Republicans were - that they had no idea of how sexist they were, how unfair, how inhumane they were in expecting the poor - especially poor women with children - to buck-up and stay afloat without outside help. It became difficult for the ladies in the house to vote Republican because of how unrealistic they were about poverty, how selfish they were about property - but because of less-government and Pro-Life platforms and guns and taxes and Family Values we stayed Republican and ripped the likes of Hillary Clinton to shreds with the best of them.

The irony that without government assistance our family would have been damned near destitute was not lost on us - or was not lost on me - and made tight-fisted hypocritical Christians look very un-Christ-like. But the Christians who lent a helping hand (we never took or asked for money) - those Christians GLOWED.

We were stoic about it. And proud. Perhaps proud to a fault. We lived within our means, and we lived well enough. So many people had it so much worse - I truly can't complain. But when my sister said those nasty things about the new breed of Republicans - the neo-conservatives of the 90s - my heart soared. I had a glimpse of freedom from conservative competitiveness.

Maybe Christians didn't have to vote Republican.

Maybe I didn't have to believe in survival of the fittest while being taught that evolution was a joke.

I voted survival of the fittest Republican, with the exception of Wellstone, right up through the first round of George W. Bush. If I had clung to Christianity past my deconversion experience, I was well on my way to becoming a Democratic Christian, influenced by the likes of Solomon's Porch.

Now - all politicians make my stomach churn, but I'm more socialist than liberal. I believe that Darwin was far more accurate about the origin of our species than Moses. And I believe that cooperation is more conducive to happy, healthy men, women and children than cut-throat competition.

RELATED ARTICLES:
Galen Robinson vs. the govenor (MN Republican Gov. Pawlenty sued by lawyer for the poor) 3/15/10 Mpls Star Tribune

NSFW: Who's Reading Over Your Shoulder?

2010-03-13T10:59:00.000-06:00

The more artistically inclined among you will see two major pop cultural references above. I'm going to spell it out for the rest of you. The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort, illustrated by Charles Raymond and Christopher Foss (1972; pg 95 to be exact) and "I Am With You Always" artist Larry Von Pelt. Whoever thought of smashing the two together is a genius - or at the very least pretty gosh-darn clever. Someone labeled it NSFW and stuck it in my email box this morning.

Tim - maybe it's time you got your own Jesus blog, but I'm not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth.

Speaking of Mouths, (?), last Spring I bought The Joy of Sex AND More Joy of Sex AND various books about Tantra (which - my yogi friends will know is wrongly stereotyped as the yoga for sex - when in fact it is the yoga of Everything - just so happens sex is part of the Whole) AND a book about Christian Zen by William Johnston. I hit the jackpot at that book sale. When I proudly whipped them out to show someone I wanted to impress I quipped, "They're Classics! Every well-rounded library should have them! And I payed cash for them, so They can't track who bought them."

I don't think he got it. It was an attempt at dry, paranoid former-fundie humor - you know - cash is more private than credit and They/Big Brother can't track what I'm reading since I paid with cash... but sometimes my delivery sucks - or - nevermind - it didn't work out. I continue to work on my "delivery." And I continue to over-analyze.

But always the one to give credit where credit is due, you may recall my Jesus Wants to Chat, Sext, and Play Ball With You One-on-One post from January. Today's web search serendipitously brought me to the artist of the pictures in that post - and the pic below: Fr. Armand Tangi. You can view more of his pieces HERE. Viewer Be Warned! These images will get stuck in your head like a virus far worse than Big Jugged MILFs. Keeping with the theme: Whole-In-One.

Don't look now, but is that your boss reading over your shoulder--- or just Jesus? I hear He has spies everywhere.

but the Lord was not in the earthquake: Intelligent Atheist Throws Scripture Around for Old-End-Time's Sake

2010-02-27T12:56:00.005-06:00

Correlation does not imply causation. That said, another study is about to officially come out comparing IQ levels in atheists/liberals to conservatives. And yes – atheists generally have higher IQs. This does not make me smarter than Karl Rove. I know many extremely intelligent, if not genius-level, die-hard Christians. It bothers me when fellow freethinkers lump all Christians into Stupid Camp. Not true. Not true – and dangerous to think so.

The article found at CNN has some gems in it beyond the high-IQ-atheist trend. I encourage you to read it and do you best to not oversimplify the results of this study.

What interests me most – #1. liberals/atheists are less likely to procreate #2 the connection between paranoia and belief in God/religion as an evolutionary tool #3 I can’t remember.

Which brings me to the earthquakes. Hold on while I whip out my trusty, rusty New American Standard Bible.

One of my favorite childhood Bible stories was when God/Moses teaches a lesson to Dathan and company who are being bratty troublemakers in the Wilderness: “The earth opened its mouth and swallowed them up, and their households, and all the men who belonged to Korah, with their possessions. So they and all that belonged to them went down alive to Sheol; and the earth closed over them, and they perished from the midst of the assembly” (Numbers 16: 32-33). Read the entire Numbers Chapter 16 for the big picture.

Damn – I loved that story. Call me passive-aggressive – but I wished God would right injustices by performing this convenient miracle for me now and then. Exodus 15:12 – enemies of God DESTROYED! “Thou didst stretch out Thy right [masculine/patriarchal] hand, The earth swallowed them.”

That should learn ‘em.

Does this describe an earthquake? Maybe. Maybe not. If you haven’t gotten your fill of God-induced earthquakes you obviously haven’t studied Revelations. There is one earthquake per chapter (I exaggerate) and we all know what that means… right?

Japan, Haiti, Chile! Trifectas, Trios, Trinity! God Is Punishing Us! God Is Giving Us A Sign! God Wants You To Repent! God Is Testing Us! (for liberal Christians who like to adopt “orphans” and set up crisis camps- for whom Good-Works is a Competitive Sport)

Sign of the Times! End of Days! Even So – Come Lord Jesus! Pray! Repent! Send Cash! Luke 21:11! Matthew 24:7! On Your Knees, Brothers & Sisters! On Your Knees!

From Basil Wolverton's Apocalypse

Yes, I’m about to tie in the atheist/liberal study with the Trio of Quakes. Have patience my child.

From the article:

#1. "It helps life to be paranoid, and because humans are paranoid, they become more religious, and they see the hands of God everywhere," Kanazawa said.

#2. "Liberals are more likely to be concerned about total strangers; conservatives are likely to be concerned with people they associate with," he [Bailey] said.

#3. "More intelligent people don't have more children, so moving away from the trajectory is not going to happen," he [Kanazawa] said.

Commentary on Article Quotations

#1. The connection of fear and religion is based in evolution. If you can explain the scary unknown – then you have power. Women in heat are attracted to powerful men. Men in heat are attracted to everything. That is as far as I will go. I’m not an expert at arguing the hard science of evolution or social sciences, and at the risk of sounding like a 1990’s “Math class is tough” Barbie – I’m not that into arguing atheist logic.

#2. Once again – liberal Christians fit into this Good Works as Competitive Sports scenario.

#3. It’s a shame, ala Idiocracy, that I haven’t decided to pop out any clever, liberal, freethinking babies. I have chosen to fritter away my most Productive years by being UnReProductive. What a selfish waste of my hips and tits and wits!

If you’re bored – combine repent and Chile in the Twitter search box. Or Chile and pray/er/ing. I always found it interesting how fellow Christians liked to announce who they were praying for. Just another evolutionary by-product of Us vs Them or empathy keeping us alive in dangerous situations, I suppose.

Final procrastination note: Minnesota doesn’t get earthquakes. St. Louis might eventually – but Minnesota only has to worry about blizzards and heat strokes and the occasional tornado or flood. I wonder if the lack of hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis and volcanoes make us trend more liberal. No – that logic doesn’t work. But then I never claimed to have a high IQ, did I?

Focus on the Phallic - I mean Family: Thank God For All The Choices!

2010-02-08T11:05:00.002-06:00

Change of plans. I need to drop every thing I’m doing and Focus on the Family.

This fall, the Friday James Dobson announced his retirement from his radio show, I went out and celebrated – literally – as in I had a few drinks and bonded with a formerly Christian friend. I walked home in the sleet - warmed inside by the thought of another childhood icon biting the dust. Yesterday Focus on the Family paid CBS 2.8 million dollars to allow a sweet mother and adorable son push their pro-life, anti-choice agenda world-wide.

The Christian Conservative movement does not die with Falwell or Dobson. It just gets a 2.8 million dollar makeover.

It won’t be a surprise to regular readers – but – DUH – Christine is Pro-Choice - as in blessed are the women who Choose to procreate when, why, and where they Choose to procreate and No Shame for the women who Choose not to procreate. Keep it Safe, Legal, and Rare - not Dangerous, Illegal, and More-Common-Than-You're-Willing-To-Admit. To others Christine is pro-killing-babies-in-a-slippery-slope-towards-a-heathen-communist-country-like-china-or-one-of-those-socialist-tundras-in-europe-that-kills-adults-when-they-become-a-burden-on-society-and-God-will-punish-us-mightily-for-our-inability-to-honor-the-sacredness-of-innocent-life-and WE WILL PAY!!!!

Knowing that certain family members are actively active in Minnesota’s Pro Life movement and having been righteously anti-choice once upon a time myself… needless to say – this is a touchy subject. The fact that 20 some years of my life were directly and indirectly influenced by James Dobson and Focus on the Family – I don’t know where to start.

2.8 million dollars they could have thrown at single mothers in poverty.
2.8 million dollars they could have used to lobby to end the wars that kill or internally, externally maim sons and brothers and fathers like Tebow – instead of the simulation of war in the stadiums. (I’d rather have simulation than real war – but isn’t he lucky he could afford to CHOOSE which war he wanted to play in?)
2.8 million dollars they could have thrown at any number of women and children – just for the hell of it.
2.8 million dollars they could have given to young men and women who want to explore the world before they try to teach their kids about the world.
2.8 million dollars they could have used to pay for a mother’s or child’s medical bills.
2.8 million dollars they could have used to pay Grannie's heating bills.

2.8 million dollars that is estimated to bring in 10 million dollars of awareness – or should I say – 10 million dollars Focused on the Family BRAND NAME.

How can I fight that? Why should I even try? Sometimes I really dislike my own rants. More often than not I stop myself from publishing whiny woe-is-me bullshit. But not today.

Focus on the Family played daily in my childhood home – in the car (actually the family van was more a bus) – in the mail – from the pulpit – from the kitchen (where I spent most of my family time) - in my brain. Not everything James Dobson said was unreasonable or even unwise. I learned how to be a model child and teenager right alongside my parents learning how to be model parents – the problem being – I was never a problem child – and never could have been if I tried since I didn’t know how to misbehave.

Until now.

This is me saying – Fuck You! - to Focus on the Family. ..|,

That may sound a bit immature – and will probably lose the respect of reasonable readers. All that angst. All that emotion. Obviously she needs to return to the Love of Christ.

I’ve written about the Truth Project before. But I can’t stop little children I love from being brainwashed by FOTF's Adventures in Odyssey. Will they ever have the guts to say – no thanks - much less fuck you – to the male-dominated Focus on the Family?

I suggest for their next ad they have a father hugging a little girl saying,“Because of 2.8 million dollars thrown at Anti-Choice advertising , my wife felt obligated to have another child – even though she felt she had popped out her fair share. She tried to put her foot down, but I coerced that silly little lady into sex and we conceived this beautiful Miracle of God. She would have made it to the photo shoot, but she’s knee deep in laundry. I plan to bring up this girl knowing she can be anything she wants to be with her husband's approval, but she’ll always remember, if things don’t pan out for her, she can always pop out a few charmers of her own. Just ask her mom. Who is at home fulfilling her wifely duties. Thanks James Dobson and Focus on the Phallic!… I mean Family!”

Now I like me a good Phallic now and then, but right now I’m using the next best thing – my two middle fingers to salute the 2.8 million dollars Focus on the Family donated to single, poor mothers everywhere, the maimed and dead soldiers coming back from the Middle East, the education of young men and women, widows, grandmothers who can’t afford their heating bills, the pre-natal health-care of thousands of women, day-care, and the shoveling of sidewalks.

And God forbid an unwanted baby is born and adopted by a loving homosexual couple. Lord Have Mercy.

I know, I know....the ad is SOOO Innocent. I shouldn’t get my panties in a bunch.

I’m here to guarantee 100% that ukuleles and feathery-voiced lalala jingles do NOT make this ad innocent – and that I’m not wearing panties.

Have a nice day.

Jesus Wants to Chat, Sext, and Play Ball with You One-on-One

2010-01-22T18:56:00.001-06:00

Every so often, I nearly find myself at a loss for words - and I try to type something brilliant - but realize some things are best left unsaid. Now is one of those times.

The only explanation I can muster is - that a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend? brought these posters back from the Philippines where they are apparently way ahead of the curve in mixing business with pleasure - as in encouraging the Millenials to be attracted to the hipness of Jesus. Hence sports and technology - with a beard.

I really don't think there is anything more I can say - other than thanks to the person of the person of the person who let me share their pics of the posters.

If anyone knows where I can get an original - I'm torn between the One-on-One and wil u b my textmate?.

Surprise me.

As of yet - artist unknown.

Update: More Fr. Armand Tanqi artwork can be found here. ... or in a semi-related NSFW Hot4Jesus post here.

MARJOE: Your Mom & I Want You to Watch This Movie

2010-01-11T00:06:00.000-06:00

Sunday nights used to be reserved for Sunday Evening Services - with singing and prayer and potlucks and getting saved and losing sleep over not having practiced for Monday's after-school piano lesson.

This Sunday night was reserved for whoring myself out for a 15% tip*then tipping a cabbie 40% to drive me elsewhere so I could take 3 hours to watch the hour and a half long 1972 documentary MARJOE while sipping Jameson with a Son of a Preacher Man. Life is good.

No - I didn't read Chapter One for class tomorrow. Bite me.

A Reliable Source told me that anyone who has ever read this blog then, now, or in the future should put MARJOE on the top of their Netflix queue. Yes, even above Glee, Inglourious Basterds, or The Wire - and yes, a small part of me died when I wrote that last bit.

Who is my Reliable Source?

Your Mom.

So - get on it. Preacher Son Tim bought the Lonnie Frisbee movie for a Xmas present for his fam (you should too). His sharp eye caught the reference/clip to the MARJOE movie within the Lonnie Frisbee documentary and he insisted I watch it with him. And I am eternally grateful.

This is not just a movie for the De-Converted. This is a movie for the Ages. It won an Oscar. Which I can't say as much for Your Mom.

Though Lord Knows She Tried.

*18-25% bitches - do I have to remind you again? Far out.

PS. I forgot to mention that David Hasselhoff and Jesus want you to watch this movie too. Yes, there is a connection to both. All of Germany will flock to my blog now that God is present.

Bringing Baby Back to Jesus

2010-01-10T23:49:00.001-06:00

I was Lost, but now I'm Found - Forever Loved, Forever Saved, Forever Washed in the Blood of the Lamb.

Wherein I Sing the Praises of John Abraham's Jesus-Fabulous Looks

2010-01-09T11:30:00.000-06:00

My caption for the above picture: "My God - Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me a Full Body Shot?" found HERE.

While I continue to brew dreadfully serious deprogramming observations and concoct original reporting scenarios, I have to admit ---- it is High Time I succumbed to the Lusts of the Flesh – that place where The Image pummels The Word and John Abraham makes me a Believer again.

John Abraham is on the top of my list for Bollywood actors to depict Jesus in India - Kashmir - what-have-you.

This one I like to think of as "I go to prepare a Place for you in Yonder Cabana. Let's Hang!" found HERE.

For more Hot Jesus caption-worthy pics of John Abraham than you can shake a tit at - GO HERE! You Won't Regret It! Want to see John in Action? Watch Water.

O Lordy! You're Beautiful, Keith Green!

2010-01-01T13:27:00.001-06:00

Keith Green and I go WAY back. A guitar playing Uncle lent our family a bunch of Contemporary Christian LPs with his favorite Keith Green Albums in the mix. Honest to Jeepers I don’t remember ANY of Keith's music. I do remember the album covers. This particular album cover greatly influenced my lust for Jesus look-alikes.

Yes, Keith Green was a hottie – actually, more of a cutie – and I wanted to marry him. Or do unto him as married people do onto each other.

This holiday as one of my birth-mas presents from a very dear ex-christian, PK friend, I got TWO Keith Green CDs! Now I can sing along to the ONLY Keith Green song I know, “O Lord, You’re Beautiful,” while reading the lyrics, while writing Hot4Jesus posts. I Am Truly Blessed!

I’m also inspired to write about Me and Music. I’ve aborted a handful of Me and Music posts that mold away in various notebooks. It is more difficult for me to talk about Music than for me to talk about Jesus. But here goes…

When I sang Schubert’s “Ave Maria” at a public school concert in High School – 3 things happened:

1. I fell in love with the spotlight in the eyes – being on stage alone – and ever since have had an extremely hard time being an audience member. I feel more comfortable on stage than in the audience.
2. I sang one of my first pagan songs. Catholics are pagan. Mary worship is pagan. “Ave Maria” is more or less an old-school pagan worship song to Mary and I had to come to grips with this as a born-again Jesus Christian. Yes - I prayed about it.
3. I made someone’s (catholic) mother cry.

Behold – Keith Green giving all the Glory to God.

That finger pointing up – I was one of those who pointed at the ceiling while the audience applauded. I don’t know the first time I did it – but it went from a shy waist height point to a more obvious armpit exposed, above the shoulder point to the sky.

PLEASE – Someone tell me you know what I’m talking about!

I remained in a constant state of humility about my music. I never took compliments well, which I learned in part from my “Practice makes closer to adequate” musician father.

And when I'm doing well,
Help me to never seek a crown,
For my reward is giving glory to You.

(Prosperity Gospel Doctrine Be Damned!)

Making the transition from singing for Jesus to singing for myself, I went from “This is a Gift that can be taken away at any time. How can I take credit?” to not knowing how to defend myself when people shame me – to this day – for choosing NOT to use the Gift…. A Gift they COVET, btw.

Final liner notes: Back in the late 70s when Christian Contemporary was first hitting the scene, I was the family dj, spinning one Christian LP after another. One tried and true gospel group was the Bill Gaither Trio. We not only owned many of their albums, but also many of their song books. From elementary on I would stand at the piano and make my mum or sister accompany me on the Gaither’s and hundreds of other gospel songs. I learned to read music while turning the pages to Gospel Songbooks and Crumbling Hymnals. (o- the hymnal collection we had!). Now the song titles read like porno titles:

“It is Finished”
“He Touched Me”
“Because He Lives.”

Somewhere in their transition from Old-Thyme Gospel to Christian Contemporary, the Gaithers started adding drums. One day while on one side of the house, my father…

my father who preferred
Jazz to Rock
Gospel to Contemporary Christian
Wind Instruments to String Instruments
Concerts to Parades
Hammond Organs to Church Organs
Ford to Chevy

... my dad heard one of their new albums blasting from the other side of the house – and he promptly threw out all christian albums that sounded like rock-and-roll from a distance. Too much of a rock beat for my born-again jazz musician, band director dad. He, with many other Christians then and now, found it disturbing how contemporary Christian music took on the beats, AND lyrics of pop and rock.

So – Keith Green in the House was an anomaly. It didn’t last. Many years later I started attending churches with worship teams. Following in my dad’s footsteps, I myself became part of the worship teams, eventually writing original Jesus music. I learned to sing and love Keith Green’s “O Lord, You’re Beautiful.” To this day, as the CD spins, I find myself automatically raising my hands, palms up.

And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

But I do know I still have the hots for Keith Green! I hope you’ll consider reading up on this Jem. His is a truly wonderful story of fucked-up 60s child who became a 70s Born-Againer – along with half of our parents. He has connections to another Jem I’ve written about – Lonnie Frisbee – through the original Vineyard Church. And thanks to Keith, every Sunday the following lyrics can be heard – somewhere – someplace.

O Lord, You’re beautiful
Your face is all I seek
For when Your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

This could easily be the theme song for my blog – for O too obviously superficial reasons. Here’s to Hot, Beautiful Jesuses Everywhere!

Getting Up Off My Knees

2009-12-29T21:52:00.000-06:00

Felicien Rop's "The Temptation of St. Anthony" 1878

Over to your left, notice the hottie for Jesus on her knees. She could be, but isn't quite :) , my shadow. Above, notice the smiling naked lady on the cross tempting St. Anthony (I'm new to this story) with EROS nailed above her. Confused? Am I living up to my XXXtine bowling name?

Let me spell it out in pictures.

Greg Olsen's "Forgiven"

"A Gift For Jesus" by _______.

"St Mary Magdalene in the House of Simon the Pharisee" 1891 Jean Beraud

All I ask is that you not throw the first stone at my new blog template. Pelt pebbles. This is merely a colorful transition from groveling at his feet to something resembling the heart-opening back-bend below.

"Black and White BackBend"

FAITH-BASED INITIATIVES: Feeding the Poor By Executive Order of the King

2009-12-27T12:58:00.000-06:00

Some things I’ve learned since the last time I wrote:

I. We have selective memories.
II. Jesus Shaves.

Wait - before I go any further let me explain.

Wait - No – I’m not going to explain a four month absence. In the spirit of Jesus’ absence that lasted 40 days in the wilderness – plus @40 days between tomb and heaven - o yep - and his 2000 year disappearing act – I have every right as a woman to remain

1. mysterious
#2. holier-than-thou
number three: irreverent

And if you doubt what I write below – feel free to request 28 pages of meticulous notes I have on the subject. (part of what I’ve been doing – behold – I go to prepare a place for you – if it were not so, would I not have told you?)

So –

Back in the day – remember when George W. Bush started (actually continued and strengthened) that Faith Based Initiative thing? Remember how fucking bent out of shape we all were?

What?!?! The Federal Government is giving Taxpayer Dollars to Religious Organizations in place of the Secular Welfare Programs cut by the 1990s Neo-Conservatives?! Over my Dead Body!

Maybe you’re of the breed of: Less Government is Better Government – Bureaucracy Sucks! (yes it does – I can testify – it sucks when it works against you – but does the opposite of suck when it works for you). In which case – you can selectively choose which side of the FBO fence you’re on – the government is just returning tax dollars to the people – or the government is expanding and overreaching.

From the conservative side of the fence – we hard-core Jesus people didn’t want the government anywhere near our churches… not even to give us money to help other people who didn’t have money. Once a church accepted money from Uncle Sam – o shit – o damn – no way in Tarnation that one of my churches would have accepted out and out $,$$,$$ from Big Brother to help little brother – because that would mean that Jesus would have to answer to Pontius Pilate – and Pontius Pilate is a secular heathen – those two descriptors not necessarily being exclusive.

So – fast-forward 8 years – 8 years of attempted court cases and bitching and moaning and moaning and bitching from the mid to far left about the Establishment Clause being trampled on (which it was) and the separation of church and state being misinterpreted (which it was)… 8 years of pure Bush Hell, right? Remember how annoying Bush was about giving money to Faith-Based Organizations?

And then – remember when the Freedom From Religion guys attempted to sue the government for misuse of tax dollars and it made it all the way to the Supreme Court and was dismissed because Faith-Based Initiatives were an EXECUTIVE ORDER – which ultimately meant they were barking up the wrong tree since Bush and his predecessors insured that the Executive Office can do pretty much whatever they want and not answer to anyone. Point being, no way these Freedom From Religion guys could sue the Executive Office for misuse of their tax dollars. But it was as close as we got to shutting down the FBOs.

This is where the Selective Memory problem comes in:

Obama comes along – promises that he’ll clamp down on the office and make sure religious groups that receive federal money will not be able to discriminate in the hiring process. He gets into office, Changes the name a bit, and Changes his mind a bit.

But where is all the uproar? The uproar has ceased to exist – and it’s not just me saying so – the uproar over Obama’s handling of, AND STRENGTHENING of, FBOs has gosh-darn-near disappeared – not just a turned down volume – but gosh-darn-near disappeared. He decided to NOT hold FBOs accountable for their discriminatory hiring practices. We give taxpayer dollars to organizations who would never hire me because I’m an atheist – or that person because he is jewish – or that person because she is a lesbian femi-nazi.

Here’s the rub: reporting of the issue has all but disappeared. There was even a Pew Study that shows to what extent the press's uproar about FBOs has taken a long winter’s nap.

Is the uproar alarm on snooze, or has the uproar alarm been thrown out the window?

To top things off – another cute not-so-little Pew Study from last month shows that NOW More Democrats than Republicans SUPPORT FBOs.... a grain of sand in that Pew Study.

So I’m asking - Where Is The Uproar? And - WTF, Democrats?

No seriously – WhatTheFuck?

I’m also here to make sure you know how many in the Faith want nothing to do with FBOs. Would you want the federal government giving you money as a round about way of controlling what you can or cannot say - especially if you're teaching people that they will live forever if they believe in someone who rose from the dead? The churches of my experience – the extreme right ones – are actually fairly close to the ideas of the extreme left on this… and no – as much as the Republicans would like us to believe, Obama is not extreme left. The Jist is – keep executively ordered (taxation without representation?) faith-based initiatives (freedom of religion AND freedom FROM religion) out of the church door.

I’m not here to argue Establishment Clause precedence. I know we are becoming more and more comfortable with politicians and pastors jacking each other off under the table. Are you comfortable knowing where your pastor’s or politician’s hands have been when you press their flesh at the end of a rally/sermon?

Tell me how comfortable you are. I maybe could learn a trick or two.

Have I lost you yet? If not, let me draw you a picture.

One dreary fall day – chilly but not unbearable - I was waiting at a bus stop in a colorful part of town. I had just left a delightful homework-regulated interview at the oldest Carnegie library in the City. The library represents a community in full bloom: American Indian mosaic murals on the wall, Muslim magazines on the shelves, tutoring services to every person who sets foot in their doors. No one – but No One – is turned away.

I’m at the corner, and this little cracked out native girl stumbles by, approaches another poor but portly caucasian girl. They have an exchange of words and the little cracked out girl continues to stumble down the street. The portly girl decides to explain the scenario to me.

“She had bp38734s in her scarf.”

“She had What?”

“BR9879dfs in her scarf. Bpricouoijldfs.”

I stood embarrassed that I was experiencing a failure to communicate.

“Yeah – she was trying to sell the Bricks in her scarf.”

“O yeah? Really!”

((Finally, I got it. This girl didn’t require much interaction from my side.))

“Man – she going to get busted if she not careful – walking up to people like that. I feel sorry for her – I really do.”

Yeah?

“Yeah – she’s native and that apartment building down there with all the native colors – they built it for the Native Americans – and now people like her have no place to go because the building is swarming with Somalians.”

((O shit – I say to myself. -This girl is either a gold mine or a mine-field. Just hear her out))

"Really?!"

((Ironic full-disclosure: I helped teach free non-spiritual yoga at the American Indian Center down the block from the apartment complex she was talking about. Apparently a lot has happened in 2 years.))

"Yeah – I feel really bad for her. Used to be this was a place for American Indians, now the Somalians have moved in and ya can’t recognize the place – this hood is swarming with Somalians. Everywhere you look – Somalians everywhere you look. Don’t get me wrong –((she’s on a roll)) – I have nothin against Muslims. They can believe whatever they want. That’s cool. But I know without Jesus in their hearts they’re in trouble. If they don’t accept Jesus into their heart, they’re going to hell.”

The bus was coming – I’m trying not to say anything – no point in saying anything – I mumble, “I guess that is what some people think.”

She wanders off to talk to another lady.

And here’s the rub. Again. (are you liking or disliking my rubs?) This girl who just defended the American Indians, dissed the Muslims and witnessed for Jesus was waiting to get into a Center that has a fading sign that reads:

AIDS KILLS!
DRUG KILLS!
ALCOHOL KILLS!
JESUS SAVES!

Join us for Bible Study Every Day at 5:30
Free Meal Served after 7 pm Worship and Prayer Service. Doors Locked at 7.

I look in the window. There is a ceiling to floor larger-than-life painting of Jesus – a handsome, kind Jesus with his arms open, looking down on a small room with a table piled with loaves and loaves of bread.

Read that sign again please.

This little dingy building passes out Free Food! – as long as you sit through a worship and prayer service.

O shit! I thought as the bus rolled up and I rolled away. O damn!

I don’t know if this Center accepts Federal Funds. I doubt it does. It is falling apart at the seams. But the lock still works to keep people in and keep people out.

This is an unholy example of FBOs. What if that Center received federal money to feed the poor – and Allah knows someone needs to be feeding the poor on that corner – What If? That girl is being fed at the corner. She has a big heart – but she also has a big stomach. We all have stomachs. How long will it be until an outcast Somalian girl ventures in to be fed – and has to listen to the message of Jesus’ salvation before she can eat? How long will it be before that cracked out, bricked out American Indian girl ventures in and has to listen to the Faith that cut her heritage off at the knees before she can eat? I’m guessing it is happening right now.

I’m also pretty certain that right now federal money is holding together big-hearted organizations that prey and pray on Americans with holes in their stomachs – and no one is causing an uproar.

In the meantime down the block, the Franklin Community Library opens its doors – doesn’t lock anyone in or out – doesn’t turn anyone away. Public Library funding has been slashed. Granted the Public Library doesn’t feed stomachs, but it does feed minds and hearts – former fundie girls rubbing elbows with Somalian girls hiding their legs who sit next to American Indian men and women who will never settle for being locked in or locked out of the Rez. Praise the Lord and pass the Mashed Potatoes!

That’s all I’ve got. As I said – I have nearly 30 pages of notes on the subject. Dinner Time! Come and Get It.

______________________
The Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life: SURVEY: The Starting Line: Media Coverage of the Faith-Based Initiative in the First Six Months of 2001 and 2009. Aug. 12, 2009.

The Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life: SURVEY: Faith-Based Programs Still Popular, Less Visible. Nov. 16, 2009.

Top to Bottom Paintings:

"Living Water" Simon Dewey

"Christ" by Chris Young

"The Weight of the World" by Ron DiCianni

SOCIALIST CHRISTIANS: Dostoevsky's Fear or Hope? ~ discuss amongst yourselves.

2009-09-28T22:51:00.000-05:00

~from Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, Book 2, Chapter 5, translated by Richard Peavear and Larissa Volokhonsky (pg 67) circa 1880.

Miusov describes his discussion with a spy - in larger context of debate about separation of Church and State:

Omitting the main essence of the conversation, I shall quote only one most curious remark that this person suddenly let drop: 'We are not, in fact, afraid of all these socialists, anarchists, atheists, and revolutionaries,' he said. 'We keep an eye on them, and their movements are known to us. But there are some special people among them, although not many: these are believers in God and Christians, and at the same time socialists. They are the ones we are most afraid of; they are terrible people! A socialist Christian is more dangerous than a socialist atheist.'

Discuss Amongst Yourselves.

While I play library-student and put the finishing touches on other Hot4Jesus posts, my book club reading brought to mind something I hear more and more about - Christian Socialists. Left-leaning Christians LOVE to describe how Jesus was a socialist kind of guy. I highly recommend that you put the quotation in context if possible - (for example - D appeared to die Orthodox Christian which evolved from a far-left youth) but if you can't/won't... it still is worthy of discussion.

So Discuss. Pros. Cons. Indifference. Jesus as Monster.
I insist... or I will send this your way:
500 foot Jesus found and described in detail in Uncyclopedia's article: "Attack of the 500 foot Jesus."

Jesus Statue Beheaded In 'Sconi: I DIDN'T DO IT!

2009-08-21T12:17:00.001-05:00

"Head of Christ" by Richard Hook The original Hot4Jesus inspiration.

St. Joseph's Church in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin is minus one marble head of Jesus. His body remains intact.

True, I collect Jesus art. Above is the Jesus head that started it all. I couldn't help but slap that caption on my handsome thrift store find - and the rest is herstory.

Let me make myself perfectly clear: IT WASN'T ME who sawed off Jesus' head for my growing collection.

This is NOT the type of head I'm accustomed to taking from Wisconsin!

Besides, from what I can tell of the story, the head that was stolen may have been a Baby Jesus head. Believe it or not, I don't like them THAT young. I don't have a single Baby Jesus in my collection - and would like to keep it that way for awhile.

______
read it and weep:
Head stolen from Jesus statue in SE Wisconsin church (8/19 Star Tribune).

(old pic - will refresh with new one once my camera's battery refreshes itself)

Jesus as Air Traffic Controller of Tornadoes and Other Gusts of Wind

2009-08-20T12:12:00.000-05:00

I was determined to ignore the ELCA gay clergy drama, but like Jonah who had a worm kick his procrastinating ass out of his shade from the sun, the tornado ... well, God works in mysterious ways, don'tcha know?

As details of the path of the downtown Minneapolis tornado became public, I immediately went into symbolic, scriptural fundie mode. I don't like that part of my personality - the part that splits off and starts thinking fundie thoughts - but I went there, and immediately twitted out loud wondering if the ELCA would see this as a sign from God.

I know most Lutherans aren't that extreme. From my experience Lutherans tend to be sincere, loving, and excellent representatives of the Christian faith - Very Nice - but I also know they are kind of bland. This is ketchup-as-a-spice country after all.

I suppressed that little voice in my head that suspected fundamentalist believers would jump on this tornado with a half-dozen scriptures to back their theory of the tornado as a literal sign from God regarding homosexuality.

The fear metastasized... as heard in the voice of John Piper: The Tornado, The Lutherans, and Homosexuality . Piper is a pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis. The comments are full of Christians questioning his choice of scripture. I always get a kick out of watching Christians play hot-potato with other Christians. I don't play that game anymore - but if you're a believer, Piper makes a legitimate argument. He uses all New Testament scripture, my favorite being:

4. Jesus Christ controls the wind, including all tornadoes.

Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him? (Mark 4:41)

Who is this, that even the wind and sea obey him? No one knew who he was and we still don't. We don't even know if Gospels like Mark, chuck-full of miracles, are anything more than fictional exaggerations to create a narrative that proves a philosophical or historical argument of that particular disciple's school. Every disciple had his own set of followers. These are not stories about Jesus, these are stories about competing disciples. One gets the Oscar for Screenwriting, another gets the Oscar for Special Effects, another gets the Oscar for Casting. And one, as we find in the Gospel of Thomas, gets totally blown off - though he probably deserves the Oscar for Philosophical Accuracy.

Am I boiling down thousands of years of blood, sweat, prayers and tears to belittling anyone who takes passages of the bible literally?

Reminder to self: Love the Believer, Question the Belief.

But yes - it comes down to this - either you have faith or you don't. Who among the Christians battling out gay clergy doctrine, battling out signs of God from the sky, who among them can question the accuracy of John Piper?

I'd say none. I have less and less patience for Christians who don't claim other Christians because of differing opinions about how to interpret scripture.

But that's the Fundie in me ranting - either you're in or you're out. Either you believe Jesus/God/Holy Spirit was in that tornado, or you don't. Either you believe the ironic path of destruction was a deliberate, literal decision of God, or you don't.

Either you're a Baptist, or you're going to hell.

I'll take level 5 Holy Basil Spice any day over the Lutheran's Ketchup.

Yes - this is me publicly exorcising my Baptist Demon that learned all about how to question the sincerity of Lutheran "faith." After all - they only sprinkle babies - BABIES! They know nothing about being dunked, plunged, fully immersed in the faith as Baptists.

No - I don't condone Piper and fellow "literal sign of God" believers. What I'm trying to say - as indelicately as possible - I find it ever more difficult to condone any of the believers.

Pray for me. jk

I do condone faith that is open to non-belief. And thanks to Jay Bakker who was kind enough to twit me the link to Piper's blog. Sincere thanks to plenty of believers and non-believers alike out there who humor me with this public exorcism. Admit it - you can't help but watch.

For my more logical essay and more pics of the storm's aftermath and my experience with God and tornadoes, please consider reading: Prairie God of Destruction Visits Minneapolis: By Grace Are We Saved

When the Baptists and Lutherans duke it out heaven - who do you think would win?

Question to John Piper: how do you interpret the destruction divvied out on your pentecostal cousin: Minneapolis Gospel Temple - House of Refuge - Deliverance Center?

(On another note - someone needs to write a paper about steeples as phallic symbols.... see top photo. Hmmm... that sounds like a job right up my alley.... and an excellent way to exorcise demons. I think I'll give myself a raise.)

Prairie God of Destruction Visits Minneapolis: By Grace Are We Saved

2009-08-19T18:10:00.000-05:00

The tornado that ran smack up into downtown Minneapolis knocked into more than one church, a rock and roll record store, countless flower pots, and a picket fence.

As I flip-flopped my way to the scene, I crossed paths with one of the delegates from the ELCA Convention – the place where the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America debated whether or not to allow the ordination of gay clergy who are in committed relationships. I was headed to the Electric Fetus, convinced that “God” had as much against rock and roll as the GLBT community. The delegate said that he had almost parked his car next to the Fetus, and was thankful he hadn't. As we discussed the potential destruction of “the Fetus," I almost said something entirely inappropriate to a total stranger about “the Fetus”… but bit my tongue.

Thankfully he changed the subject when he commented on my St. Olaf College sweatshirt.

St. Olaf is THE ELCA college. I didn’t tell him how much St. Olaf College and the ELCA corrupted me as a Fundamentalist Baptist. It was the place where I first tasted wine – during communion, the place where I first knew of a homosexual boy who proudly outed himself, the place where I first experienced liturgical dancing, the place where I first DANCED ever, and the place where I was dubbed retro-Disco Queen of my freshman floor.

Dancing and alcohol were not 100% forbidden in my Baptist circles, but strongly discouraged, and never in church. True- they argued - the OT talks about the Israelites/David who danced for joy before the Lord as worship, "but this is too much like a dance recital. We’re watching THEM dance.”

While the Big News Channels focus on Central Lutheran Church near the Minneapolis Convention Center and The Electric Fetus, everything in-between is in danger of being skipped over. The tornado didn’t skip over everything in-between.

Down 4th Ave, a cul-de-sac street hugging 35W, trees were uprooted and the stained glass plates from the facade of the Minneapolis Gospel Temple – House of Refuge, Inc. – Deliverance Center – Pentecostal in origin – lay scattered all the way down to the corner where a red awning wrapped around a sign boasting a drug free zone.

I’ve passed by the Deliverance Center Jesus before, but the DC Jesus stands behind shatter proof plastic. You can barely see him. I’ve let him off the Hot-For-Jesus hook. Until now. Now the orange and red glass panes lay slivered up and down the street. DC Jesus made me look again – so here he is.

I talked to the Lady*** who lived in the connected Willa Grant Battle Center. The tornado attacked her picket fence, the shrub near the door, the awning, but not her white Caddy – thank god. "I just thought it was one of those big trucks driving by."

Around the corner, Somalian girls, covered head to toe, chattered about the fallen trees –

“My Tree is fine. I’m so glad my Favorite Tree didn’t get hit.”

“My Favorite Tree is gone. I’m so sad.”

Jim Schloemer works next to the Electric Fetus. He described how he felt the pressure in the air change. He had his head-phones on listening to music – and then looked up to see his coworkers running from the room as the roof above lifted up, just a bit, and bounced back down.

In 1998, the Comfrey-St Peter tornado found me much closer to the action than today's tornado. I know what it feels like to see the sky turn green, to hear a train coming through the middle of nowhere, to run to the basement, feel the pressure change - skewed gravity – like the world stands still - like the feeling your heart body gets when standing in front of a wall of speakers at a rock concert, or when a car drives by with the bass speakers shaking the entire pavement and every corner of your cells - feeling more than hearing.

I know what it is like to be totally helpless in the path of a tornado. There is not a damned thing you can do about it. I remember thinking, 'I’m praying that this will pass over and keep my family safe, but in my heart of hearts I know that I have absolutely NO control over this tornado.' It was the tornado that wiped out entire towns, Comfrey to St. Peter, and farms, including the one a brother worked at in 1998. My mom’s farm lost a tree, a few chunks of the roofing, some of the siding – but it passed just north of us.

Did my prayers keep the tornado from hitting us head-on?

No.

I now creatively dubb tornadoes as The Prairie God of Destruction… Our Kali. The Tornado God doesn’t give a shit about us. My prayers did NOT keep the tornado from striking our farm head-on. I’ve always worshipped trees – but even the Tree Gods are helpless in the path of the Tornado God. There is nothing we humans can do to stop it.

And there was nothing any Minneapolis resident could do to stop the tornado from hitting our city… nothing to do but hide or watch.

And that’s cool. Tornadoes are a refreshing reminder of Mortality and Chance and Total Chaos.

The best part of the tornado was to witness so many people not only gawking, but lending a hand to get things back to normal… the camaraderie… strangers talking to strangers…. everyone’s eyes, mine included, bugging out of our heads, looking at the aftermath of a bull in a china shop. Like the bridge collapse, the do-gooders of Minneapolis will shine through. No one was hurt. Thank god.

_____

Lutherans move toward more open view of gay marriage

***Unknowingly, I believe I may have talked directly to Willa Grant Battle - or someone who looks a lot like her. I should pay her a more formal visit - this lady looks like she has a great story to tell!

LOOKS THE PART, BUT DOES HE KNOW HOW TO SING?

2009-07-08T19:17:00.000-05:00

From what I can tell, Charles Manson was a by-product of a strict religious upbringing.... exposed to both his grandparents' religious forcefulness and his mother's rebellion of their righteousness.

Christians will line up and say... 'But that's not MY fault. That's not MY Jesus.'

Maybe not. But he certainly looks the part.
________

And since we're on the subject of Jesus Look-Alikes, I'm happy to announce I've finally pinned down an interview with one young man who looks the part. I've wanted to do this since the beginning of the blog... it's just that Jesus look-alikes are harder to pin down than the original.

I haven't played journalist since college, so I'm asking for a little patience and help. I have a wonderful collection of questions to ask the young man, but if there is a question you would like to ask of His Grace, please email it to me at cvyrnon(at)gmail(dot)com. If the question does not resemble any of the ones I've already picked, I'll plug you in the final product - if you so desire.

Behold, he is coming soon... and yes, I'm on a self-imposed deadline with this... though a day for me may be a month for you. Be watching and waiting.

________

Jesus Manson stencil graffiti found on a Sunday stroll in Minneapolis with my yoga buddy.